The Student Room Group

Lonely at uni

I’ve been at uni about a week and my friend from home stayed with me for freshers week for most of the week I haven’t really made any proper friends at uni I’ve been out every night with a few different groups of people but it’s always me asking everyone the girl in my flat has a group of friends from home so she always just goes out with them and a few other people they’ve made friends with but she never invites me I’ve asked to go a couple times and she says yes but she never just says come if you want lots of people have said to me oh are you out tonight but then never actually message me back about meeting them it’s starting to become draining. My other friends that have gone to uni have lovely flatmates who ask them to go out all the time and they all get along they’ve made friends with people on their course and it’s making me jealous. I also don’t know if the fact my friend from home that’s staying here is making it worse I’m not sure if the ppl I’m living with think it’s weird and if it’s preventing me from going out and socialising with new ppl
@miawez123

It can be easier to approach people when they are on their own, so it may be that they think that you have your friend from home to hang out with and that you might not be so keen to join in with other things because you have to prioritise your friend first.

It is draining to always be putting yourself out there and it's difficult when you feel like there are not other people doing the same, but for the meanwhile you might have to persevere until you find your friendship group or until others feel comfortable or confident to invite you to different things. It might not be that they are intentionally leaving you out of things, they might just be forgetting that they invited you/mentioned going out to you in conversation.

Try not to compare yourself with your other friends. Friendships don't happen on a set timescale. Friendships vary.

Also remember that your closest friendships might not come from the people you live with but from the societies you join.

Hope that helps,

Oluwatosin 3rd year student University of Huddersfield
There is a lot of pressure to become super close with your first year flatmates but that doesn't always happen and that's ok. Does your friend from home also go to your uni or are they just staying with you? I'd say while you shouldn't ignore them you should try and focus on yourself a bit more and try and meet people independently of your friend. If they are just crashing with you, then I think it might be time for them to go home - your flatmates might not be liking having an extra person in the flat or they might think that you aren't really interested in making friends with them.
Original post by miawez123
I’ve been at uni about a week and my friend from home stayed with me for freshers week for most of the week I haven’t really made any proper friends at uni I’ve been out every night with a few different groups of people but it’s always me asking everyone the girl in my flat has a group of friends from home so she always just goes out with them and a few other people they’ve made friends with but she never invites me I’ve asked to go a couple times and she says yes but she never just says come if you want lots of people have said to me oh are you out tonight but then never actually message me back about meeting them it’s starting to become draining. My other friends that have gone to uni have lovely flatmates who ask them to go out all the time and they all get along they’ve made friends with people on their course and it’s making me jealous. I also don’t know if the fact my friend from home that’s staying here is making it worse I’m not sure if the ppl I’m living with think it’s weird and if it’s preventing me from going out and socialising with new ppl

Hey @miawez123

You've had some good advice above already, I'd also add though from my personal experience, that friendships definitely change over your time at uni! Most people won't keep the same friends they made in freshers' week for the whole 3 years! I also found a lot of the closest friends I made were people I naturally met over the years just from classes and group work.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself! :smile:

Best of luck with everything!
Natalie
University of Kent Student Rep (PhD Psychology)
Original post by miawez123
I’ve been at uni about a week and my friend from home stayed with me for freshers week for most of the week I haven’t really made any proper friends at uni I’ve been out every night with a few different groups of people but it’s always me asking everyone the girl in my flat has a group of friends from home so she always just goes out with them and a few other people they’ve made friends with but she never invites me I’ve asked to go a couple times and she says yes but she never just says come if you want lots of people have said to me oh are you out tonight but then never actually message me back about meeting them it’s starting to become draining. My other friends that have gone to uni have lovely flatmates who ask them to go out all the time and they all get along they’ve made friends with people on their course and it’s making me jealous. I also don’t know if the fact my friend from home that’s staying here is making it worse I’m not sure if the ppl I’m living with think it’s weird and if it’s preventing me from going out and socialising with new ppl

I understand what you mean and you are largely dependent on the quality of your housemates, but i would advise you to continue to be social. Dont allow 1 week at uni determine your uni experience. Many people don't meet that tight uni friends until some weeks later or even a year later.

I dont know what uni you are studying at but I would provide the following suggestions:

1. Continue to say yes to meeting up. The more you attend events, the better it would be for you.

2. Have a positive attitude around others, so they will see you as a cool person to hang out with.

3. If you dont get invited, dont worry about it. It’s part of life, move on.

4 Join as many clubs and societies as you can. This would provide the network of friends that you need. Once you are comfortable, you can drop some and focus on the rest.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Original post by miawez123
I’ve been at uni about a week and my friend from home stayed with me for freshers week for most of the week I haven’t really made any proper friends at uni I’ve been out every night with a few different groups of people but it’s always me asking everyone the girl in my flat has a group of friends from home so she always just goes out with them and a few other people they’ve made friends with but she never invites me I’ve asked to go a couple times and she says yes but she never just says come if you want lots of people have said to me oh are you out tonight but then never actually message me back about meeting them it’s starting to become draining. My other friends that have gone to uni have lovely flatmates who ask them to go out all the time and they all get along they’ve made friends with people on their course and it’s making me jealous. I also don’t know if the fact my friend from home that’s staying here is making it worse I’m not sure if the ppl I’m living with think it’s weird and if it’s preventing me from going out and socialising with new ppl

Hey there @miawez123 !

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I went through the exact same thing during my first year. The way I dealt with it was to just always be the one to ask. A lot of the time people don't ask you because they just haven't remembered, not because they don't want you to come. Uni students a lot of the time are quite passive and won't actively put in effort to keep up friendships if you don't live with them. If you make a conscious effort to always ask about plans and ask these people if they're doing anything then you should always have opportunities to socialise. People are asking you whether you're coming out so it's important to remember that you have a good group of friends that want to be around you. I suppose the fact you've got someone from home there may limit how close people feel they can get to you. It may prohibit them from getting to know you properly because you have a guest there but a lot of people invite people from home in the first few weeks to feel more comfortable so don't feel worried about that.

Hope this helped!
Lucy - Digital Student Ambassador SHU
Reply 6
Original post by University of Huddersfield
@miawez123

It can be easier to approach people when they are on their own, so it may be that they think that you have your friend from home to hang out with and that you might not be so keen to join in with other things because you have to prioritise your friend first.

It is draining to always be putting yourself out there and it's difficult when you feel like there are not other people doing the same, but for the meanwhile you might have to persevere until you find your friendship group or until others feel comfortable or confident to invite you to different things. It might not be that they are intentionally leaving you out of things, they might just be forgetting that they invited you/mentioned going out to you in conversation.

Try not to compare yourself with your other friends. Friendships don't happen on a set timescale. Friendships vary.

Also remember that your closest friendships might not come from the people you live with but from the societies you join.

Hope that helps,

Oluwatosin 3rd year student University of Huddersfield


Original post by hallamstudents
Hey there @miawez123 !

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way, I went through the exact same thing during my first year. The way I dealt with it was to just always be the one to ask. A lot of the time people don't ask you because they just haven't remembered, not because they don't want you to come. Uni students a lot of the time are quite passive and won't actively put in effort to keep up friendships if you don't live with them. If you make a conscious effort to always ask about plans and ask these people if they're doing anything then you should always have opportunities to socialise. People are asking you whether you're coming out so it's important to remember that you have a good group of friends that want to be around you. I suppose the fact you've got someone from home there may limit how close people feel they can get to you. It may prohibit them from getting to know you properly because you have a guest there but a lot of people invite people from home in the first few weeks to feel more comfortable so don't feel worried about that.

Hope this helped!
Lucy - Digital Student Ambassador SHU

Thank you this helped I’m just upset that my flatmates aren’t really similar to me I’m regretting going to this university as the flats are only of 6 my friends who went to different unis down south have flats of 12-14 this seems much better as most likely there will be someone who wants the same things as me so looking at them with their flats which obviously have a bigger group of people is making me jealous I’m trying to change accommodation for multiple reasons so maybe it will be better when I do
Reply 7
Original post by Wired_1800
I understand what you mean and you are largely dependent on the quality of your housemates, but i would advise you to continue to be social. Dont allow 1 week at uni determine your uni experience. Many people don't meet that tight uni friends until some weeks later or even a year later.

I dont know what uni you are studying at but I would provide the following suggestions:

1. Continue to say yes to meeting up. The more you attend events, the better it would be for you.

2. Have a positive attitude around others, so they will see you as a cool person to hang out with.

3. If you dont get invited, dont worry about it. It’s part of life, move on.

4 Join as many clubs and societies as you can. This would provide the network of friends that you need. Once you are comfortable, you can drop some and focus on the rest.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.


Thank You your right I do need to give it more than a week I think it’s just that I’m not similar to my flatmates we do different things I wish I had a flat full of people who were similar to me and liked going out lots of my friends that have gone to uni have flatmates that all get on well and have fun I think I’m just jealous and wish I was that lucky
Original post by miawez123
Thank You your right I do need to give it more than a week I think it’s just that I’m not similar to my flatmates we do different things I wish I had a flat full of people who were similar to me and liked going out lots of my friends that have gone to uni have flatmates that all get on well and have fun I think I’m just jealous and wish I was that lucky

I understand. Continue to put yourself out there. You can still make friends with people on your course.
Original post by miawez123
Thank you this helped I’m just upset that my flatmates aren’t really similar to me I’m regretting going to this university as the flats are only of 6 my friends who went to different unis down south have flats of 12-14 this seems much better as most likely there will be someone who wants the same things as me so looking at them with their flats which obviously have a bigger group of people is making me jealous I’m trying to change accommodation for multiple reasons so maybe it will be better when I do

@miawez123

Yes, in theory you might find someone you get on with in a larger group, but you also might feel more lonely in a bigger group if you don't find anyone you get on with.

Perhaps it might be easier in different accommodation, but again remember that your friends don't just have to come from your flat!

All the best,

Oluwatosin 3rd year student University of Huddersfield

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