My mother keeps asking me for money

Hi everyone,

I have been supporting my mother financially since I was 17 years old.

I am now 28

Yes, I live at home and I help my mother with bills. But she takes it too far. This year I paid for her holiday abroad and I have given half my salary this month for her bills and other bits for Christmas.

For the past 2 days she has been asking for £2,000 as she asked a cargo man to ship her stuff to Nigeria to sell.

She's put a lot of pressure on me and says she needs the money asap and if I don't give it to her they will steal her things.

She's threatened me now - saying she will kick me out and guilt trips me saying I am lucky to be under her roof.

But my plan was to save up for my mortgage. I plan to move out by next Christmas as I plan to get a house of my own then with my partner (God willing)

Im so upset and I don't want to end up cutting my mother off.

Hi everyone,

I have been supporting my mother financially since I was 17 years old.

I am now 28

Yes, I live at home and I help my mother with bills. But she takes it too far. This year I paid for her holiday abroad and I have given half my salary this month for her bills and other bits for Christmas.

For the past 2 days she has been asking for £2,000 as she asked a cargo man to ship her stuff to Nigeria to sell.

She's put a lot of pressure on me and says she needs the money asap and if I don't give it to her they will steal her things.

She's threatened me now - saying she will kick me out and guilt trips me saying I am lucky to be under her roof.

But my plan was to save up for my mortgage. I plan to move out by next Christmas as I plan to get a house of my own then with my partner (God willing)

Im so upset and I don't want to end up cutting my mother off.

I'm in the exact same situation. Not planning on getting a mortgage, but want to start establishing my independence. My mum also happens to be nigerian so depending on the tribe she may have a similar mindset to my mum. My personal advice would be to start lying about your finances. Make it clear that you can barely support yourself. Make it seem like you've got barely enough to get by. Be prepared to argue with her over it.

I've tried being honest with my mother, but she will constantly ******** to try and get more out of me. Start coming up with things you need to pay for that means she can't ask you for money. Such as buying things you need not want, for example, lie about taking up a qualification on the side. Most importantly, the moment you do start making more money don't tell her about it. I have plans to get further qualifications and take up a part time job and I've stopped sharing it with her. I've noticed everytime I earn more she finds things that she needs to pay for.

I don't know if my mum is like yours, but she spends money on things she doesn't need but wants. For example, she's lied about needing money for rent and then after giving her money I'll noticed a bunch of amazon deliveries for her appear in the next few days.

Also let me just say that cutting her off might have to be an option. I know it doesn't sound nice, but it isn't nice of her to prevent you from growing simply because she wants to spend money of things that are of interest to her. She's a grown adult, she should act like one.

Your mother knows that she is the one who is lucky to have you under her roof, paying for her lifestyle. Perhaps you should remind her that, with you gone, she gets nothing. You have more power than you think.

Are you and your mother both living in the UK?
Do you have any friends or relatives that do not like your mother and will not tell her where you are?

I understand some of how you feel.
My violent mother stole my lifesavings.

You need to stop allowing your mother to treat you as a cashpoint machine and view your money as her own personal savings stash.
Only give her the monthly amount that you are happy to pay for rent and household bills.
Nothing else.
No matter what she threatens you with or what story she tells you trying to manipulate you into giving her even more.

If you keep giving her money, she will believe that she can take every penny that you have and will demand more & more cash from you.
Do not allow your mother to view you as her cash machine or retirement plan.
If you continue to give her money whenever she demands it, she will asset strip you and leave you without any more or any way of building a happy future life for yourself.
Good luck!

Hi love,

We are Igbo,

Thing is, I have a master's degree and work in the civil service. Im trying my best.

My mother has broken my trust more times than I can count. This is a small example but.. we were shopping at Costco and picking things out. She picked out a 24 pack of Ferrero Rocher (my fave lol) and I was excited to have it over Christmas.

The Costco bill came up to £550.

I paid it all. On top of that. I paid the gas and electric. Cool fine.

This woman, went and gave the chocolates away to her manager at work? Like what?

I was so angry cos I was looking forward to having some over Christmas

She promised to pay me back £300 at the end of this month. But now she's asking for £2,000?

Its flipping out of order.

... someone needs to get through to her cos...

If she doesn't get her way, she's aggressive and verbally, very unpleasant.

I genuinely feel so bad telling her NO. But to her NO means "let me just keep pushing for it".

Consider this a response to both your posts. My mum comes from the same tribe. I didn't learn much about her culture, but her personality is one where she expects me to provide for her financially, look after her and whole bunch of other responsibilities. What you said about having trust issues with your mum is exactly what I have. She constantly lies about everything. I don't trust her at all, which is why I've stopped sharing information with her.

The reason why I advocate for dishonesty is because I've tried being honest in the past and it doesn't work. She just learns of my situation and takes advantage of it. I explained how she has been and is holding me back with her actions and her response was her just trying to gaslight me that her ways were correct. She has this skill of skewing reality so she's the victim or she's right and I've gotten tired of arguing th her. That's why I advocate for dishonesty. If your mum is anything like mine, the honesty approach just won't work.

Yes she's aggressive verbally too. She'll harass me when she wants something. I work from home and there have been days were she called me around 30-50 times. You would think after the first three calls she would get the message. I've blocked her now and when she asks why I don't pick up I same that my employers don't want me using my phone during work. In the past I've explained that her calling me that many times is annoying and blocked her and she's taken offence to that and harassed me more.

If you're thinking about leaving do it in a clever way that doesn't involve. I tried renting a room recently and told her is she could be my guarantor and she did everything in her power to block it.

This is easier said than done. But don't feel bad. From what you've told me your mum is using you to fund her lifestyle and that's selfish. The purpose of a parent, a good one anyway, is to support their children and ensure they're set up for success in the future. Usually, children appreciate this and help their parents in return when there health starts declining. Your mum isn't supporting you. She's using you to support her dreams. She could have easily gone and got an additional job for her lifestyle, but didn't. When she remortgaged the house it sounds like she didn't even take your feelings or views into consideration. It's ultimately just selfish on her end. You feel bad now, but if the situation continues it won't get better for you and you'll end up resenting her more as you get older. At the end of the day you've only got yourself to rely on in this life. So do what is best for you. Just because she's your parent doesn't mean she has your best interests at heart.

Your mum is essentially hampering your progress. If anyone else did that to you, you would take kindly to it. It's worse when it comes from a family member.

This is why you need to get tough with her. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that, so long as you are giving her money, she does not call the shots. Because she doesn't.

State what your boundaries are and absolutely threaten to cut her off if she violates them, then follow through. That way, your NO really does mean NO. If she wants the gravy train to continue (albeit no longer the unlimited banquet she used to enjoy), she will learn soon enough that she needs to start showing you some respect.

It may well be that you will need to move out sooner than you would like, but if you can delay that for as long as possible whilst saving up, then try to do so. This is why the boundary enforcement is so important. Your plans for your future cannot and should not be derailed by somebody who feels entitled to everything you have. However, if you need to move, don't put it off for too long, otherwise your mother will bleed you dry.

Its so hard and everything you have said was extremely accurate and I appreciate your sound advice. She's hampering my progress.

She cant afford to support my sister and I, yet had adopted 4 children abroad who she's lucky to see physically once a year.

She's remortgaged the house to create a false sense of superiority, showing off to people in Nigeria but wanting to live like a pauper in the UK.

She's threatened to sell the house. She can. She can sell it and keep the money and move into her half-baked mansion of 10 years still not completed yet.

She can. I don't want or need anything from her. Im trying to live my life for me. My sister is 26. She doesn't let my mother even try it with her but for some reason as I am the eldest, all the stress is placed on me.

I am tired.

Thank you so much for everything. You've made me feel not so alone. God bless and Happy New Year 🙏🏾

Lol the money thing. My mum needed money for her mortgage, but recently went to a party and threw three hundred just to show that she was wealthy. Trust me. I understand exactly where you're coming from. My mum constantly tries to appear wealthier than she is and it's costs us throughout the years.

Hi everyone,

I have been supporting my mother financially since I was 17 years old.

I am now 28

Yes, I live at home and I help my mother with bills. But she takes it too far. This year I paid for her holiday abroad and I have given half my salary this month for her bills and other bits for Christmas.

For the past 2 days she has been asking for £2,000 as she asked a cargo man to ship her stuff to Nigeria to sell.

She's put a lot of pressure on me and says she needs the money asap and if I don't give it to her they will steal her things.

She's threatened me now - saying she will kick me out and guilt trips me saying I am lucky to be under her roof.

But my plan was to save up for my mortgage. I plan to move out by next Christmas as I plan to get a house of my own then with my partner (God willing)

Im so upset and I don't want to end up cutting my mother off.