This will be long but I'll try to keep it short.
When I was 16/17 my first relationship was pretty bad, I didn't realise it probably could be defined as abusive until now. I have low self esteem so I let people treat me like crap so I suppose it's partly my fault for not standing up for myself (I've learned from it, trust me).
My boyfriend would put me down everyday, I was told I was too thin, looked like a stick insect, have bug eyes, I shouldn't go to uni, I shouldn't get a job etc. He was controlling, I was allowed to talk to any guys, he would take my phone and check my texts and who's number I had. I only had my dad and brothers numbers as a result. He was jealous and controlling, I was nice and civil to his friends who we spent time with regularly (but none of them called him out on his behaviour and I was even accused of making it all up..) he would go mental and accuse me of planning to cheat on him leave him etc. Even for saying "hi nice to meet you".
I wasn't allowed to shower sometimes because he didn't want me to "leave him on his own". I wasn't allowed to straighten my hair because the clicking sound of the plates annoyed him. He didn't like the sound of people chewing and whenever I ate he would give me angry looks. He didn't like the sound of cutlery hitting a plate so one time even spoon fed me. This was in front of his own mum who did say something but she didn't seem that alarmed by his actions..
One time I came to his house his dogs started fighting and he went mental at me saying it was my fault and I should've pulled them apart (I know nothing about dogs..) and I hid in the bathroom crying. I was to blame for anything and everything. I wanted to take some time off to study for our exams and he was distraught thinking I was going to dump him (I should've) and didn't want any time apart. I did really well, he didn't and that was my fault. He even said his mum thought I had been a distraction...
Everytime I tried to dump him he threatened suicide, would emotionally blackmail me saying he would change and obviously me being naive I believed him. Then nothing would change, I was still ugly and worthless.
When I eventually say sense after about a year and a half of this crap and dumped him, his mum continue to phone my mum. My mum has a mental illness so my life is already difficult. He and his mum were aware of this. I couldn't speak to my mum about all the stuff he put me through. His mum was obviously lying about me because my mum said I was "a bad person and he is a good person" (obviously the mental illness).
Cut to today years later and I feel like although I should be stronger and have moved on, I feel like a lot of the things that happened have really effected me even subconsciously. I have really low self esteem, I have no confidence in myself. I'm set to get a first at uni and go on to do a PhD but I feel like I'm useless. I feel ugly and like a bad person. I've been to counselling and I'm at it again but I don't know how I'm meant to be strong and have respect for myself.