New boyfriend seems a bit controllng
Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
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Original post by Anonymous
Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
"over protective" -- "controlling" if they keep doing it you're better off leaving you have a right to see your own friends regardless of gender
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
At this stage he is on the brink of becoming a control freak. This is a trait by many control-freaks where they try to control you early by using small strategies... such as asking what you are doing? Don't do that etc.
I do not have any doubt but to think that he is slowly but surely going to try expand his control over you. For e.g. stopping you going out with your girl mates and putting the blame on you for petty things.
This is when you are in trouble. However, before falling in to that trap... open up, be wise and do not let him get there.
I can tell you are uncomfortable with his behaviour, as you would have not wrote this post. So make a wise decision on what you are going to do and please do not try to explain to him how you feel about him being a control freak, as he probably promise you that he won't do it again. Surely, he won't do it the next few days but by the end of few weeks he will be back to normal.
All the best.
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this guy from Saudi Arabia or a really strict Muslim? If yes, then fair enough.
If no, then...
This is how my ex was like. They want to read their girls texts, they want to know who their girlfriend was messaging all the time, they will eventually not even let their girlfriend leave the house on their own. In other words, they are insecure, afraid of themselves, and are just not worth the hassle. Find someeone better.
Try to find a guy who will respect you and let you have your own space.
Original post by Anonymous
Is this guy from Saudi Arabia or a really strict Muslim? If yes, then fair enough.
If no, then...
This is how my ex was like. They want to read their girls texts, they want to know who their girlfriend was messaging all the time, they will eventually not even let their girlfriend leave the house on their own. In other words, they are insecure, afraid of themselves, and are just not worth the hassle. Find someeone better.
Try to find a guy who will respect you and let you have your own space.
If no, then...
This is how my ex was like. They want to read their girls texts, they want to know who their girlfriend was messaging all the time, they will eventually not even let their girlfriend leave the house on their own. In other words, they are insecure, afraid of themselves, and are just not worth the hassle. Find someeone better.
Try to find a guy who will respect you and let you have your own space.
He actually is a Muslim although he looks and seems very liberal, but so am I. I suppose so far, I haven't had the chance to see his reaction if I am seeing a male friend because I just happen to be meeting female friends when he asks me. I will observe how he reacts when I'm meeting male friends.
Lol it's normal. I would ask the same questions
Original post by Anonymous
Lol it's normal. I would ask the same questions
Oh right that's good to hear then!
Original post by Anonymous
He actually is a Muslim although he looks and seems very liberal, but so am I. I suppose so far, I haven't had the chance to see his reaction if I am seeing a male friend because I just happen to be meeting female friends when he asks me. I will observe how he reacts when I'm meeting male friends.
And this is why it is an outdated religion. The men are so controlling in general. So much double standards. Where is he from? Saudi Arabia? Some of my Muslim friends don't interact with the opposite gender at all which is really backward for 21st centruy.
But if it works for you, then fair enough. I know some of them who got married and are very happy with their spouses.
Original post by Anonymous
'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Unless he was saying the former in a 'jokey' way - and considering he's done it more than once, I doubt that - then his behaviour would be ringing some alarm bells for me. If you're in a relationship and he trusts you, then it shouldn't matter who you're meeting, nor what gender they are
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Would recommend arranging to meet up with a guy-friend and then telling him about it. You can gauge from his reaction whether he's worth your time.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I think what he's saying is harmless, maybe. Depends on his tone . A controlling guy is someone who doesn't let u hang with guys or girls.
Original post by xobeauty
I think what he's saying is harmless, maybe. Depends on his tone . A controlling guy is someone who doesn't let u hang with guys or girls.
This is incorrect. A controlling guy is someone who tries to limit your personal life outside the relationship - full stop
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Different people are different.. most modern young people expect to be able to have friends regardless of gender, but that certainly is not the case for all.
Older western generations were much more segregated by gender in relationships.. even in the UK if the couple had friends, it was normal that the man would keep in touch with the male friends, and the women would keep in touch with the female friends, and they would not see the oposite sex friends alone unless there was a specific need or different circumstance (say they grew up together and were like family etc)
This is still the case in many societies around the world..
Its perfectly ok for a guy or girl to hold this attitude. Although its not normal, if that is their expectation of a relationship, then thats ok. The problem lies when you have two people who don't agree. If you have one person who has this far more traditional view of male/female friends.. and one person who is much more modern in their outlook, then its going to end badly. One of them will have to change, and it will lead to either resentment or jealousy.
I would suggest, if this becomes a real problem, then your relationship is better off ending, and you are both better off finding new partners whose attitudes towards relationships are more in line with your own.
---
I hate it when I see a lot of very negative things said about boys such as your boyfriend though, as its a fairly common expectation that is equally held in many girls. Its nothing awful about him, but just something that may show that you two are not compatible.
Me and my wife are both quite conservative/traditional in our views of friends, and it works well because we share those views.. Old friends we have known for years are ok.. but when we make a new friend together as a couple, I tend to keep in touch with the boys, and she does the girls.. We both quickly realised that we were not overly comfortable with me going away and spending time together with other girls, or her spending time together alone with other boys..
Some would call it a lack of trust, but I would suggest that anyone who claims to have never gotten jealous in a relationship is lying to you, or to themselves.. its natural that we all get a little jealous from time to time. Keeping a little more oldfashioned view of friends is a small sacrifice to make our marriage nice and smooth and jealousy free... and its worked great so far! We have lots of friends both boys and girls who we see all the time, but its all done in a way where we both know exactly what the other expects and where we stand.
Older western generations were much more segregated by gender in relationships.. even in the UK if the couple had friends, it was normal that the man would keep in touch with the male friends, and the women would keep in touch with the female friends, and they would not see the oposite sex friends alone unless there was a specific need or different circumstance (say they grew up together and were like family etc)
This is still the case in many societies around the world..
Its perfectly ok for a guy or girl to hold this attitude. Although its not normal, if that is their expectation of a relationship, then thats ok. The problem lies when you have two people who don't agree. If you have one person who has this far more traditional view of male/female friends.. and one person who is much more modern in their outlook, then its going to end badly. One of them will have to change, and it will lead to either resentment or jealousy.
I would suggest, if this becomes a real problem, then your relationship is better off ending, and you are both better off finding new partners whose attitudes towards relationships are more in line with your own.
---
I hate it when I see a lot of very negative things said about boys such as your boyfriend though, as its a fairly common expectation that is equally held in many girls. Its nothing awful about him, but just something that may show that you two are not compatible.
Me and my wife are both quite conservative/traditional in our views of friends, and it works well because we share those views.. Old friends we have known for years are ok.. but when we make a new friend together as a couple, I tend to keep in touch with the boys, and she does the girls.. We both quickly realised that we were not overly comfortable with me going away and spending time together with other girls, or her spending time together alone with other boys..
Some would call it a lack of trust, but I would suggest that anyone who claims to have never gotten jealous in a relationship is lying to you, or to themselves.. its natural that we all get a little jealous from time to time. Keeping a little more oldfashioned view of friends is a small sacrifice to make our marriage nice and smooth and jealousy free... and its worked great so far! We have lots of friends both boys and girls who we see all the time, but its all done in a way where we both know exactly what the other expects and where we stand.
This does seem a bit over the top, but its best to talk about it with him as he may be unaware of how he's appearing
it's common but not okay for him not to want you to see/meet guys... however the real question will come in how he reacts when you do eventually want to socialise with someone male, if he accepts it then that's ok but if he tries to tell you you shouldn't/can't go then you've got a problem.
Original post by shadowdweller
Unless he was saying the former in a 'jokey' way - and considering he's done it more than once, I doubt that - then his behaviour would be ringing some alarm bells for me. If you're in a relationship and he trusts you, then it shouldn't matter who you're meeting, nor what gender they are
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
He didn't ask me in a jokey way, but it it wasn't at all threatening or intimidating either. When he asks me (which is basically whenever I say I'm with a friend or meeting friends), he just sounds curious, but then he did say 'you know I love you, don't go meeting men' and that's what made me think there was more to it.
Original post by Obiejess
Would recommend arranging to meet up with a guy-friend and then telling him about it. You can gauge from his reaction whether he's worth your time.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Yes I'm actually meeting up with a small group of friends later on tonight including both men and women so I will just say I'm out with friends which include men, and see how he reacts.
Original post by xobeauty
I think what he's saying is harmless, maybe. Depends on his tone . A controlling guy is someone who doesn't let u hang with guys or girls.
He does seem harmless, but I haven't known him for very long and I'm still learning about him. As mentioned, I just happen to be meeting female friends whenever he asks me if they're male or female, so I just need to see how he reacts when I say I'm meeting with male friends.
Original post by Anonymous
He didn't ask me in a jokey way, but it it wasn't at all threatening or intimidating either. When he asks me (which is basically whenever I say I'm with a friend or meeting friends), he just sounds curious, but then he did say 'you know I love you, don't go meeting men' and that's what made me think there was more to it.
I'd agree with the suggestions above then, and see how he reacts to you meeting up with male friends. I do find it a little odd that he'd ask what gender the person you're meeting is though
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
Bit too controlling for me. Uts certainly not being protective. Not really any of his business if you meet with men, except its a given you dont cheat. he either trusts you or he doesnt. He sounds a bit insecure. You might find later on it might surface in a more severe manner. Good spot by you, see how it goes.
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