My pakistani parents (especially my mom) are extremely controlling...

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

Reply 1

Pantera Fan Club

18

you have a garden? go out into the front lawn or gate some day and wait for some jogger or dog-walker pass by. strike up a simple conversation. discuss where they live, what they've been doing today, what they're about to do. where they work. a little conversation never hurt anybody. if your parents come out, ask them what they're so afraid of. perhaps you could offer to go walk the dog with them. ask them where they're running. when you've figured out how to talk well, cross the road and go out to the nearest field or basketball court to just say hi. It's not like they can bundle you back inside in front of dozens of people, right?

Reply 2

Pantera Fan Club

18

Original post by ibyghee

Wtf is wrong with people these days, this western society has scarred humanity to its worst. You should have learnt discipline from a very early age. I am a muslim boy, and i wear jabbah and topee because i want too. That is the only thing i wear, i used to wear jeans and those western type clothing. But then i changed, knew what was best for me. Stop thinking of how your parents treat others, learn how discipline works its the only way to success in life. From what i hear, there is nothing wrong with your parents, just regular old asian parents doing their job to make their daughter a well respected female. It's your surroundings that you've been bought up in which makes you think differently.

i'm sorry but OP's controlling parents is downright child abuse and misogyny and probably a crime.

Reply 3

Fbari_27

10

You know what

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

I’m sorry ur in this situation because even I am, but not that extreme.
Indian parents like to choose the partners for their children too.
U know what, no one deserves to be hit and live a life like that. If I were you I wouldn’t care about being disowned as a parent should unconditionally love their child, which means love without any conditions. If your brother does love u and care for u he would understand you and make sure ur in a safe environment where you are respected. If I were you I would talk to ur brother about moving to a new house with only u and him. Education is compulsory until 18, then you can either go uni/further education or be employed. If you go uni that’s great and try and persuade you Mum if u can live in a student accommodation there. That way you can live how u want. If not u can earn money and save up then live in rent in a new house. And I know u can’t live without ur brother but u can (it’s not impossible). At the end of the day u don’t want to have any regrets in a few years time( only if I did this I wouldn’t be here). If moving out is the only option, do it. Because nobody deserves to be treated like that and u need to know ur self worth. U are not a doll that get controlled and married off, u are a human that needs the right people in life in order to know the true meaning of life.

I know u have suicidal thoughts as do I. But I can say the struggle isn’t permanent. There is light at the end of a tunnel. I know u have and are going through a storm, but at the end of a storm is a beautiful rainbow. So plz move out, if your brother loves u and cares he will fight for u and if not call childline and get proper help ur a child that needs to live not wither. I hope you take the time to read this. I have faith in you, if only gets better.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 4

username4094562

19

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

Your mother cannot pull you out of education. The government has now enacted a rule that states that all post-16 students must be in an apprenticeship or some form of higher education. She cannot pull you out and make you stay at home doing chores, as that is illegal.

Frankly, what your mother is doing to you sounds very much like abuse. If she is swearing, calling you names and using threats, this sounds very much like emotional abuse. My parents are very controlling but they have never hit me or swore at me, calling me names. This is unacceptable behaviour.

Really, your only escape is moving out when you are 18. If you stay with your mother, she is just going to continue to control you.

Reply 5

ibyghee

19

Original post by Pantera Fan Club

i'm sorry but OP's controlling parents is downright child abuse and misogyny and probably a crime.

oh gawd, where this guy get this law from XD. *child abuse* its an overused word for people without discipline. In no way is what her parents are doing is classed as *child abuse* Maybe yes its a lil unfair, but life is unfair...deal with it.

Reply 6

username4094562

19

Original post by ibyghee

Wtf is wrong with people these days, this western society has scarred humanity to its worst. You should have learnt discipline from a very early age. I am a muslim boy, and i wear jabbah and topee because i want too. That is the only thing i wear, i used to wear jeans and those western type clothing. But then i changed, knew what was best for me. Stop thinking of how your parents treat others, learn how discipline works its the only way to success in life. From what i hear, there is nothing wrong with your parents, just regular old asian parents doing their job to make their daughter a well respected female. It's your surroundings that you've been bought up in which makes you think differently.

There is definitely something wrong with her parents. What kind of parent hits their child and swears at them? It is not acceptable to hit and swear at adults. So, why is it okay to do it to a child? I hope to god you don't become a parent because we already have enough crappy parents mentally traumatising their children.

Reply 7

Pantera Fan Club

18

Original post by ibyghee

oh gawd, where this guy get this law from XD. *child abuse* its an overused word for people without discipline. In no way is what her parents are doing is classed as *child abuse* Maybe yes its a lil unfair, but life is unfair...deal with it.

oh, you want to 'deal with it'? why did you post on TSR then?

Reply 8

God Is A Woman

3

i would call the police. it is abuse.

Reply 9

16CharsIsTooShor

13

tbh that sounds like child abuse to me

Reply 10

Claire461

21

Original post by ibyghee

Wtf is wrong with people these days, this western society has scarred humanity to its worst. You should have learnt discipline from a very early age. I am a muslim boy, and i wear jabbah and topee because i want too. That is the only thing i wear, i used to wear jeans and those western type clothing. But then i changed, knew what was best for me. Stop thinking of how your parents treat others, learn how discipline works its the only way to success in life. From what i hear, there is nothing wrong with your parents, just regular old asian parents doing their job to make their daughter a well respected female. It's your surroundings that you've been bought up in which makes you think differently.

It’s easy for you to preach at the OP because you are not living her life. And, of course, you are male, which gives you the advantage of being treated more favourably than your female counterparts. You get to wear what you want, she doesn’t, you get to go where you want, she doesn’t, you get to have a life, she doesn’t. You get to pick the bits of western culture you enjoy, she doesn’t. And if western culture ‘has scarred humanity’, how come you are here, enjoying what we have to offer?
There is nothing wrong with her wanting some freedom. Depriving her of freedom is assuming that she will do wrong when she has that freedom. No parent has a right to treat their children this way. They do not own their children. It’s their responsibility to ensure that their children are cared for, sheltered and nurtured, and fit for the society they live in THIS society.

Reply 11

Fbari_27

10

Original post by ibyghee

oh gawd, where this guy get this law from XD. *child abuse* its an overused word for people without discipline. In no way is what her parents are doing is classed as *child abuse* Maybe yes its a lil unfair, but life is unfair...deal with it.

I mean where do u get your English from? XD
Sorry but, yes that is child abuse look it up on google if you don’t know the definition. And you admitted yourself that it’s unfair. This is emotional/physical abuse. I understand her mother is trying to make sure she is respected, but maybe she’s forgetting the meaning of a mother. A good mother does not differentiate between a son and daughter. I have many Asian/Indian friends and their parents are nothing like that. They do not force their children to do what they don’t want to. And yes in Islam it is preferred a woman should dress modestly but it isn’t forced upon her. It is ones choice for Allah is the judge himself and no one else should. So maybe if you could stop judging you could make people feel so much better about themselves instead of doing the opposite. May Allah guide you.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 12

16CharsIsTooShor

13

quoted from Child Law Advice (a registered charity):

Emotional or Psychological Abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse is the persistent emotional maltreatment or neglect of a child which causes severe and persistent adverse effects on the child’s emotional development. For example, it might be telling a child that they are worthless, unloved or inadequate or excluding them from activities, silencing them or being overprotective.

Reply 13

Maker

20

Original post by ibyghee

oh gawd, where this guy get this law from XD. *child abuse* its an overused word for people without discipline. In no way is what her parents are doing is classed as *child abuse* Maybe yes its a lil unfair, but life is unfair...deal with it.

Thanks for letting us know what a nasty person you are.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

wheres your dad in all this? what does he do?

how old are you?

im so sorry to hear this, as a bengali muslim, im surprised this happens. my parents are loving, give me freedom and are so good to me.

this is abusive. sit her down, ask her if she loves u. sometimes when my mum gets annoyed (obvs never to this extreme) but i sit her down and try and be innocent and ask a question like how much do u love me and she literally melts.

inshallah it'll get better for you, maybe ask your brother to speak to her. thats honestly what ill do.

salam :smile:

Reply 15

Zamestaneh

21

If you are Muslim, I can give you more practical advice, but that is something you will have to tell me first.

Reply 16

A Rolling Stone

20

Original post by Anonymous

I’ve been dealing with controlling parents my entire life! My mom controls what i wear (i am not aloud to wear western clothing but instead pakistani clothing even though i live in england), she controls who i am friends with and she controls where i go (i can never go out with friends or go shopping!)

Ever since i was a kid i was never aloud to go to birthday parties or even hold a birthday party. I wasn’t aloud to go to sleepovers or go to a friends house just to hang out. My mom would always have the excuse of “you’re a girl... what would the community think?” And she would yell at me alot.

I tried my hardest to stand up to her but instead she hits me or she yells at me alot. She calls me names and has put my self esteem down so low that i hate myself. I have social anxiety and feel depressed quite alot of the time. My friends are also asian (pakistani, bengali, indian ect) and none of their parents are as extream as mine.

Recently i was aloud to go on a summer school away from my parents and i LOVED it! I was so free and so happy! I got to wear the clothes i wanted and got to be who i am! I loved being an independent individual and i got to do things i never thought i could! I cried when i came home because i hate living in such a extream, controlling environment. When i came home my mom yelled at me, swore at me and made me feel so depressed. She said that if i ever want to go further in education i have to abide by her rules and go to the college she chooses for me and wear the clothes she wants me to wear or else she will pull me out of education and make me do chores at home like cook and clean.

She isn’t like this with my brother because ‘he is a boy’ and he has free will to do whatever he wants! My brother can go out with friends, go shopping, wear what he wants and do whatever! My mom praises him daily and shows her complete affection towards him but when it comes to me i am nothing to her but a daughter she has to marry off one day.

I don’t want to marry a man she chooses for me but instead i want to find love... I can’t because if i ever get caught talking to a boy (even if he is just a friend) my mom would beat me. She will marry me off to a boy of her choice and if I don’t like it then tough luch for me i guess. All she cares about is impressing the family and not her daughters happiness.

I am so insecure on a daily basis because of the clothes i wear and I cannot do anything about it. I can’t move out when im 18 because my mom would disown me and I can’t live without my brother (if i make my mom upset I don’t want him hating me because he is the only caring one in my family)! I feel so trapped in this house, so suffocated! I want to cry all the time! I do think about killing myself but i can never do it because i am scared of death...

I don’t want to live a life that makes me depressed! I want to live a life i want but I can’t and i just need someone to be there for me and understand how i feel. But there never is...

if you're from England, why do you spell 'mum' in that ridiculous way?

Reply 17

Act of War

12

Original post by ibyghee

Wtf is wrong with people these days, this western society has scarred humanity to its worst. You should have learnt discipline from a very early age. I am a muslim boy, and i wear jabbah and topee because i want too. That is the only thing i wear, i used to wear jeans and those western type clothing. But then i changed, knew what was best for me. Stop thinking of how your parents treat others, learn how discipline works its the only way to success in life. From what i hear, there is nothing wrong with your parents, just regular old asian parents doing their job to make their daughter a well respected female. It's your surroundings that you've been bought up in which makes you think differently.

you are exactly what is wrong with religion in todays society. you wearing jeans or hoodie isn't going to make you less modest rofl

go back to the middle east if you think western society is scarring humanity

there we go with the deluded belief that discipline in religion is justified because some man in the sky says so

Reply 18

ibyghee

19

Original post by Constantine2018

There is definitely something wrong with her parents. What kind of parent hits their child and swears at them? It is not acceptable to hit and swear at adults. So, why is it okay to do it to a child? I hope to god you don't become a parent because we already have enough crappy parents mentally traumatising their children.