My brother may have molested me as i kid but i'm confused
PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
(edited 5 years ago)
if I could super bump i would, I'm also don't feel like I could properly comment on this topic so paging the following...
@ParadoxSocks
@BurstingBubbles
@chelseadagg3r
@Kindred
@jemtestmod
@ParadoxSocks
@BurstingBubbles
@chelseadagg3r
@Kindred
@jemtestmod
(edited 5 years ago)
I have no idea what a super bump is but thank you 
Original post by Jelly_Belly_12
I have no idea what a super bump is but thank you
It doesn't exist, but it should ...
Original post by Jelly_Belly_12
I have no idea what a super bump is but thank you
Hey, I'm going to let others reply to this as there are probably people better placed to advice than myself but I've edited your original post to make it easier for others to read and I'll keep an eye if anyone does post anything negative.
It's definitely not your fault though, I just want you to know that.
Original post by Jelly_Belly_12
................
That's a very difficult situation to find yourself in and I can understand why it's confusing and a burden. Aa s a complete non-expert, I think perhaps you have to decide for yourself what abuse is ie does it require full understanding and intent, or does it include clumsy puberty and then which category your brother fitted into at the time.
You clearly didn't deserve that treatment, but it's a very modern and largely illogical thought process to think that everything that happens to us is relevant to desert/'deservingness'. Loads of things happen in life that we don't 'deserve' both good and bad.
If you've got any funds, don't forget that general counselling, something like CBT, can simply be bought, without going through your GP or having anything on any records. Talking it through with a trained stranger, who makes no judgements but can offer perspective, might allow you to see an explanation that is easier to live with.
Original post by Jelly_Belly_12
PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
Original post by threeportdrift
That's a very difficult situation to find yourself in and I can understand why it's confusing and a burden. Aa s a complete non-expert, I think perhaps you have to decide for yourself what abuse is ie does it require full understanding and intent, or does it include clumsy puberty and then which category your brother fitted into at the time.
You clearly didn't deserve that treatment, but it's a very modern and largely illogical thought process to think that everything that happens to us is relevant to desert/'deservingness'. Loads of things happen in life that we don't 'deserve' both good and bad.
If you've got any funds, don't forget that general counselling, something like CBT, can simply be bought, without going through your GP or having anything on any records. Talking it through with a trained stranger, who makes no judgements but can offer perspective, might allow you to see an explanation that is easier to live with.
You clearly didn't deserve that treatment, but it's a very modern and largely illogical thought process to think that everything that happens to us is relevant to desert/'deservingness'. Loads of things happen in life that we don't 'deserve' both good and bad.
If you've got any funds, don't forget that general counselling, something like CBT, can simply be bought, without going through your GP or having anything on any records. Talking it through with a trained stranger, who makes no judgements but can offer perspective, might allow you to see an explanation that is easier to live with.
I forgot as well, if you live in London, there is a free counselling service called ' off the record '.
https://www.talkofftherecord.org/ - if you need it, sometimes is best to properly process these things with a professional, it's also a good way to get things out there.
the best help i ever received was from a counsellor on a professional, anonymous helpline. she was so understanding and she knew all the right questions to ask me. i felt extremely comfortable because (obviously) she didn't know me or the person i was dealing with, or my family, or friends, so there was no chance this was getting out in public and she wasn't going to judge me or pressure me into doing anything i didn't want to do.
this helpline was overseas so i can't give you that number. but i've been advise that The Samaritans are very good. honestly, there's no harm in calling. and i think it would be wise to talk to an independent party who's dealt with these things before. she'll know what to ask and it might help you sort out your thoughts before talking to your friends or family, if that's what you want to do.
this helpline was overseas so i can't give you that number. but i've been advise that The Samaritans are very good. honestly, there's no harm in calling. and i think it would be wise to talk to an independent party who's dealt with these things before. she'll know what to ask and it might help you sort out your thoughts before talking to your friends or family, if that's what you want to do.
Original post by Jelly_Belly_12
PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
My Brother tortured me as a kid. He made me eat disgusting things, wrestle and he once even threw a bottle of coke in my face and gve me a black eye. Sometimes he would 'massage me' and would then 'massage' down there. I didn't know it was wrong I didn't even know what it was. I didn't tell anyone. He was horrible; I can't even remember how old I was when it started or ended or how many times. I read somewhere that kids can block It out in my case I didn't even realise it was wrong. It didn't hurt I just thought it felt weird.
As we grew older I started to remember. I remember telling friends i was scared of him but they just thought it was normal brother sister stuff. A friend that I once grew up with once said when a similar topic was mentioned that 'it was alright for me because I knew I could handle it'. My mum doesn't and will never know it would break her; she knows my brother can be horrible. I walk around with this and i'm just so confused. He was nice sometimes and horrible at others. Was he just curious? Did he know what he was doing? What do I do if he has kids? Was it my fault, i mean i never told anyone?
He's mostly nice these days but yells and and can just explode with anger. He has Asperger's and adhd not that is an excuse or anything but could that explain at least the anger part? He can be so sweet and then just switch. I can't run away or leave him in the past as it would break up the rest of my family; he's my brother. He has a girlfriend who is lovely but the way he talks to her sometimes and even me still. He always says the phrase ' or i'll kill' I grew up with that so never really put any thought into it but now Jesus holy christ that's bad.
At the time this happened I was being bullied in school I never told anyone I thought I deserved to be treated like that. It was only when I went college and everyone was nice to me I realised. Don't get me wrong I was a happy kid but when I look back now I can realise that okay no that wasn't okay I didn't deserve that. I don't want to go to therapy or anything like that I just wanted to get this out a bit as so many people have told me their stories and I may not be as strong as I would like but I want this to be known and to say to other people this happened to that you are not alone.
I have a boyfriend now and he knows hat something happened when I was a kid but I just won't say who as I don't want him to do anything. PLEASE PLEASE don't post anything negative on this as I really just wanted to get this out of my system and just let someone even if its just the internet know what happened. I don't want therapy I just want to get this out. This may not seem much but to someone who's been waling around with crap for over 7 years it is.
Hiya. Sorry to hear what you went through. It must have been very confusingg back then and I'm sure it's a very difficult thing to process looking back especially knowing more about what those actions were. I imagine the conflict between what he did being bad, but him being your brother must be an awfully hard thing and him having some level of special needs himself must add to that complicated lot of feelings.
The most important thing I want to say is it was not your fault. He did those things to you, it's all on him. Please don't blame yourself or feel guilty for what he did.
As far as his motivations go unfortunately that's something nobody can ever really know. It could be that he was curious and had hormones going through him and cos of his issues he didn't have that moral voice in him to tell him it wasn't a good thing to do. He could have known it was bad and done it deliberately. It could have been any number of other motivations.
Whatever the case though it does not change that fact that it was not okay and you have every right to feel hurt and be wary of him.
You've mentioned a bit of a dilemma about him having a girlfriend and what you should do if he has kids. Honestly I don't know. This is not the sort of thing you would want to happen to any child and the sort of thing you would want to prevent if you could. At the same time though he could have matured now and it could cause conflict in your family and some upsetting feelings and discussions for you if you opened up about it. It's a hard choice to make and it's one you need to make for yourself.
Personally I would think it best to mention your concerns to somebody like his girlfriend if you think there's a chance he could still do things like that. It's the sort of thing I would like to know myself even if it would be very hard to hear.
That's your choice to make though and I don't want to push you one way or the other.
I know you say you don't want therapy and that's totally fine, but I do just want to cover it a little in case other people are reading or you change your mind later.
You can access free therapy or counselling through your GP or school/ uni and a lot of areas will also have a self referral service on the NHS where you can contact the therapy service directly without talking to your GP. Anything you say is confidential except in very specific situations and you can always ask them about confidentiality before you say things.
Therapy and counselling are basically venting to somebody in a safe space. They can also offer some input or advice or try to guide you a bit. It's all about you and you are in charge. If you don't want to talk about something you don't have to and if you don't like it you can decide not to go back.
There are also some online or phone services like through the mix which give free therapy or counselling. Just like above it's talking through things confidentially and you are in control. They have the advantage that you don't née to go anywhere or gibe your real name so it's more private and accessible.
One good thing about things like counselling and therapy are that they can help you talk through things and make decisions while staying impartial. They won't tell you what to do- just help give you the tools to decide for yourself.
I hope that helps a bit.
Like Deyesy said if anybody does say anything negative we will deal with them.
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by threeportdrift
That's a very difficult situation to find yourself in and I can understand why it's confusing and a burden. Aa s a complete non-expert, I think perhaps you have to decide for yourself what abuse is ie does it require full understanding and intent, or does it include clumsy puberty and then which category your brother fitted into at the time.
You clearly didn't deserve that treatment, but it's a very modern and largely illogical thought process to think that everything that happens to us is relevant to desert/'deservingness'. Loads of things happen in life that we don't 'deserve' both good and bad.
If you've got any funds, don't forget that general counselling, something like CBT, can simply be bought, without going through your GP or having anything on any records. Talking it through with a trained stranger, who makes no judgements but can offer perspective, might allow you to see an explanation that is easier to live with.
You clearly didn't deserve that treatment, but it's a very modern and largely illogical thought process to think that everything that happens to us is relevant to desert/'deservingness'. Loads of things happen in life that we don't 'deserve' both good and bad.
If you've got any funds, don't forget that general counselling, something like CBT, can simply be bought, without going through your GP or having anything on any records. Talking it through with a trained stranger, who makes no judgements but can offer perspective, might allow you to see an explanation that is easier to live with.
General counselling and CBT are different, and CBT might not be suitable for dealing with things like abuse. CBT is better focused on specific issues in the present and is very focused on behaviour and coping, and not the trauma that caused it. It's very effective for some people, but not for others and some people (like me) find it harmful. Counselling is different, although it is sometimes used to talk about all talking therapies, it's actually a type of therapy that involves examining issues and experiences, it's not about someone telling you what to do.
I honestly just want to say thank to you all for your advice it honestly means a lot to me, this is my first time opening up like this. Thank you for not letting any negative posts. Your all awesome peope and i super bump you all! I've felt so ugly and digusting on the inside for so long and just getting another persons perspective is honestly so helpful.
(edited 5 years ago)
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