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Boyfriend doesn't seem to think my orgasm is important... Watch

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    #1

    Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable, or if this is my boyfriend's problem.

    I orgasm most easily through intercourse. Unfortunately, my boyfriend tends to orgasm very quickly during intercourse - about 3-6 mins I'd say and not more, sometimes less. I CAN orgasm in this time, by "helping myself" along and by only having sex in one position in which it is easy for me to achieve orgasm. It is rare he outlasts me by even seconds, he normally comes immediately I do, and about 1 time in 4, it is before me, in which case I don't orgasm at all.

    With my ex I had a fulfilling sex life, we'd have intercourse in various positions over a longer period of time, giving more build up for me, and he communicated with me a lot so he got the positioning exactly right. If I didn't orgasm, he'd offer to bring me off in other ways as many times as I liked.

    With my current boyfriend, it is just a rush for me to achieve orgasm as fast as possible, so that I actually manage to orgasm before or at the same time as him. I find this frustrating, because it puts a pressure on me, and means we can't experiment with positions etc.

    When he reaches orgasm before me, he never asks me if I am ok, if I am satisfied or if there is anything he can do for me. He just gives me a hug and gets out of bed, leaving me frustrated and feeling hurt, like he doesn't care about my pleasure.

    I was feeling unhappy and frustrated so I talked to him. I told him that sometimes, when we have sex, especially in other positions than my sure-fire one, I feel frustrated when I don't orgasm. I said that sometimes I am happy for it to be about him, but a lot of other times I'm left sexually frustrated. I let him off the hook by saying I knew it was sometimes before work, and he didn't have time to bring me off when I hadn't come, but that I'd like it if he asked me if I was satisfied because sometimes I was frustrated.

    He said to me that "sex is more about the journey than the destination" to which I replied that having an orgasm was very important to me. I said I would like chance to experiment with how other positions felt with him, but I'd need longer to orgasm in that case, and that I avoided them because having an orgasm is very important to me. I really stressed that point.

    We had sex the next two days after this conversation. The first time, he pulled me into a position he wanted, in which he knows I can't come. He came, I didn't, and even after all the talking we'd done, he never even asked if I was ok and if he could do anything more for me. The next time we had sex, again he came first and he didn't say a word to me, didn't comment on the fact that I'd got just to the edge before he'd come. He jsut gave me a hug and was affectionate. I made a joke about having to 'finish myself off' and he just laughed like I was being really funny.

    I can't understand why he doesn't see my orgasm as a priority - he always gets one - and would like some advice on what more I can do/say.

    BTW, don't suggest I just orgasm before intercourse. I hate this, and it makes intercourse uncomfortable for me and takes ALL the pleasure out of it.

    Plus, we've tried 'going again' after a while. Even 3-4 hours after sex, he often still can't get an erection. He just isn't one of those guys who is up for a (slightly desensitised) repeat performance.

    What can I do?
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    Tactical masturbation before, either on your part. or ask your bf to have a tactical w*** around and hour and a half before... he should last longer perhaps even 10 mins, in comparison to 6 that should give you plenty of time haha.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He said to me that "sex is more about the journey than the destination" to which I replied that having an orgasm was very important to me. I said I would like chance to experiment with how other positions felt with him, but I'd need longer to orgasm in that case, and that I avoided them because having an orgasm is very important to me. I really stressed that point.
    That's easy for him to say, since he always gets off :rolleyes: No, you're not being unreasonable!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We had sex the next two days after this conversation. The first time, he pulled me into a position he wanted, in which he knows I can't come. He came, I didn't, and even after all the talking we'd done, he never even asked if I was ok and if he could do anything more for me. The next time we had sex, again he came first and he didn't say a word to me, didn't comment on the fact that I'd got just to the edge before he'd come. He jsut gave me a hug and was affectionate. I made a joke about having to 'finish myself off' and he just laughed like I was being really funny.
    Next time he does this, slap him :p: Orrr... bring it up with him again at that point. When you're actually in bed together and upset don't just let it fester; he can't read your mind. Actually tell him at that moment and it might make him realise how important it is to you.

    Also, do you use condoms? They're not the nicest things but that could help him last longer as well. If you already use them, then try performance enhancing ones.
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    (Original post by ily_em)
    That's easy for him to say, since he always gets off :rolleyes: No, you're not being unreasonable!



    Next time he does this, slap him :p: Orrr... bring it up with him again at that point. When you're actually in bed together and upset don't just let it fester; he can't read your mind. Actually tell him at that moment and it might make him realise how important it is to you.

    Also, do you use condoms? They're not the nicest things but that could help him last longer as well. If you already use them, then try performance enhancing ones.
    Thanks, no we don't. We stopped using them after a few months. Now you mention it, I never noticed as big a problem in the first months of our relationship and I think he definitely lasted longer - considerably longer - with a condom.

    Yeah, I suppose I'm going to have to say something "in the moment". I've tried the biggest hints I can and being nice but it isn't working. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but there is a bit of me that thinks he is being a bit obtuse on purpose, so I think I'm going to have to be more forthright with him
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, no we don't. We stopped using them after a few months. Now you mention it, I never noticed as big a problem in the first months of our relationship and I think he definitely lasted longer - considerably longer - with a condom.

    Yeah, I suppose I'm going to have to say something "in the moment". I've tried the biggest hints I can and being nice but it isn't working. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but there is a bit of me that thinks he is being a bit obtuse on purpose, so I think I'm going to have to be more forthright with him
    Guys don't take hints, you'll just have to be really blunt

    Good luck (and deffo try condoms again!)
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    He sounds completely selfish
    • #2
    #2

    He's sounds like a boring **** in bed who doesn't give a crap about you.

    Next time you guys have sex, stop about 3-4 minutes, before he's come. If he complains you can tell him that's how you always feel. Then tell him to **** off.
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    (Original post by Clumsy_Chemist)
    He sounds completely selfish
    He isn't selfish in other ways - he cooks me gorgeous food, brings me tea in the morning - he just doesn't place as high a value on sex as me. That said, it's all very well saying the orgasm doesn't matter and it's all about the affection if you are the one who always HAS an orgasm.

    That is why I don't understand it - he never listens to me in bed, and yet he isn't selfish out of it.
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    If he isn't selfish normally, then be harsh with him and he should realise he's being unreasonable in bed
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    I agree with the person who said to stop before he gets off. See how he likes it. Maybe he'll "get it" then.
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    Is he this selfish all the time? EDIT: Just read the rest of the thread - How odd.


    Your ex sounds like a keeper. I'd go find him if I were you, sounds like he cared a lot more than this chump.
    From your post, It doesn't seem like your boyfriend is going to change.
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    (Original post by ily_em)

    Also, do you use condoms? They're not the nicest things but that could help him last longer as well. If you already use them, then try performance enhancing ones.
    That'll send quite a clear message, lmao.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He isn't selfish in other ways - he cooks me gorgeous food, brings me tea in the morning - he just doesn't place as high a value on sex as me. That said, it's all very well saying the orgasm doesn't matter and it's all about the affection if you are the one who always HAS an orgasm.

    That is why I don't understand it - he never listens to me in bed, and yet he isn't selfish out of it.
    Condoms? That’s what we do on when on an ONS. Their primary purpose is to limit STD transmission between responsible adults that are not in a relationship.

    Sexual incompatibility is not everything that’s required of a relationship, but it’s probably 90% of the reason for the divorce rate being ~50%.

    Actually I’ve never heard of a divorce caused because of the spouses’ poor culinary skills’.
    • #3
    #3

    Start very obviously faking early, about 2 minutes in. When you're done, tell him to get out, your done, and give him a hug.

    Guys learn quickest this way.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He's sounds like a boring **** in bed who doesn't give a crap about you.

    Next time you guys have sex, stop about 3-4 minutes, before he's come. If he complains you can tell him that's how you always feel. Then tell him to **** off.
    :rofl: This sounds like a pretty good idea!

    Somehow I think he will understand a lot better after that.
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    I envy the fact that you manage it even sometimes. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a boyfriend who gave a crap if I came or not, and after a while, their interest in your satisfaction diminishes considerably. That's why, in all of my relationships, I've eventually lost interest in sex alltogether (because it only ever resulted in frustration and finishing myself anyway), and the relationship has subsequently died.

    My point is, women the world over (and for millenia!), empathise with you. Sexual incompatibility sucks like a whore on payday.
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't understand why he doesn't see my orgasm as a priority - he always gets one - and would like some advice on what more I can do/say.
    Have up considered masturbating infront of each other? It may not seem like the best solution to your problem, but it is a chance for him to see how you like to be touched, and it may make him realise that you need to satisfy yourself because he isn't satisfying you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Have up considered masturbating infront of each other? It may not seem like the best solution to your problem, but it is a chance for him to see how you like to be touched, and it may make him realise that you need to satisfy yourself because he isn't satisfying you.
    We do, point is I always touch myself during sex, it isn't something I'm self conscious about. He's well aware of what it takes in terms of touch to get me off. My problem is that he can't last during intercourse, and if I don't orgasm during intercourse he doesn't bother to touch me afterwards or even ask if I'm satisfied.
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    he's crap in bed. sorry about that. either put up with it, tell him straight, or just ditch him.
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    I think you need to be blunt with him. He should care for your needs as well as his.
 
 
 
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