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I'm 23 and my parents make me do chores all the time.
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Your an adult now, act like one because if you did not state your age or credentials i would have assumed you were 13 from your post.
Original post by Anonymous
I have no plans or money to move out right now, and my house is close to London which is ideal for the jobs i'm looking for right now, but please tell me, is this normal??? Do other people who live at home have to give up this much time to 'house-duties' and helping out their parents?? Am I complaining about nothing here?
In a word, yes.
I live with my parents and work part time. But I still chip in with housework and stuff. My parents work full time and I mostly work during the evening, so I do things during the day like laundry, hoovering, mowing the lawns, doing the shopping. My parents don't force me to do it (they rarely even ask), it's just something to keep me productive. I actually quite enjoy it to be honest. It certainly beats sitting on your arse all day.
There are couple of ways to deal with this OP.
1. Offer to pay rent. My mother wouldn't accept it, but I was prepared to do it.
2. Start buying your own food if you don't already.
3. Do all your own cooking, laundry, etc.
4. Clean up after yourself, wash all your own dishes etc.
Treat the situation like you are renting a room. If your mother shouts at you, walk away. If she persists, say something like, "Stop shouting at me. That's not a reasonable way to speak to another adult."
Is it just me or has everyone missed the point here?
It's not about OP being asked to do chores, but the fact his parents want him to be able to drop anything else he's doing in order to do what they want him to do. They expect him to fit his life around chores and work they give him rather than the other way around. It also sounds like they are making work for the sake of it and using it as a way of exercising control over OP. It's usually an indication of relationships which are to some degree toxic and it's not reasonable to live with.
People who think you need to spend 5 hours a day to keep your house maintained are wasting their lives.
1. Offer to pay rent. My mother wouldn't accept it, but I was prepared to do it.
2. Start buying your own food if you don't already.
3. Do all your own cooking, laundry, etc.
4. Clean up after yourself, wash all your own dishes etc.
Treat the situation like you are renting a room. If your mother shouts at you, walk away. If she persists, say something like, "Stop shouting at me. That's not a reasonable way to speak to another adult."
Is it just me or has everyone missed the point here?
It's not about OP being asked to do chores, but the fact his parents want him to be able to drop anything else he's doing in order to do what they want him to do. They expect him to fit his life around chores and work they give him rather than the other way around. It also sounds like they are making work for the sake of it and using it as a way of exercising control over OP. It's usually an indication of relationships which are to some degree toxic and it's not reasonable to live with.
People who think you need to spend 5 hours a day to keep your house maintained are wasting their lives.
(edited 10 years ago)
I'm a first year student, aged 19 & I live with a younger sister (16) & a younger brother (10). Believe it or not, my Mum does everything for me, & with me only being young, I let her because what's the point in stopping her doing what she enjoys if one day it won't be her doing it? I know she enjoys cooking, gardening & hoovering, as she has told me. If I'm at home during the day, I will make my own breakfast & my own dinner, yet if I'm in at the time she's making the family some tea, she'll make me some, too. I occassionally wash the pots & do chores, such as clean the bathroom, but being asked to do these is fairly rare. On the other hand, my boyfriend is 26. He still lives with his parents & does do his own chores. He does cook, clean & wash up after himself. He has the same problem; his parents are fairly lazy & won't do much around the house. He's always tidying his bedroom & he has to walk to his local launderette with a suitcase full of dirty clothes & spend 2 whole hours washing & drying! All because his Mum refuses to buy a washing machine.. Which isn't a bad thing, but then she occassionally expects him to do hers, too! He pays her £200 a fortnight, which is far too steep. He has to fend for himself all of the time. He is the breadwinner of the house, again, as his parents appear too lazy & bone idle to do anything! He does work full-time & is rarely even in the house. He has freedom most days to leave whenever he wants, but some days, mainly when she knows he's coming to see me, she will shower him with household chores. He just completes them, without complaining. If he doesn't, they argue.. It's hard to give advice as I've never been in this situation, although, I would simply suggest sitting down & telling her how you feel & how it's draining you. Just be poilte & honest with her. Good luck! 
Original post by medbh4805
There are couple of ways to deal with this OP.
1. Offer to pay rent. My mother wouldn't accept it, but I was prepared to do it.
2. Start buying your own food if you don't already.
3. Do all your own cooking, laundry, etc.
4. Clean up after yourself, wash all your own dishes etc.
Treat the situation like you are renting a room. If your mother shouts at you, walk away. If she persists, say something like, "Stop shouting at me. That's not a reasonable way to speak to another adult."
Is it just me or has everyone missed the point here?
It's not about OP being asked to do chores, but the fact his parents want him to be able to drop anything else he's doing in order to do what they want him to do. They expect him to fit his life around chores and work they give him rather than the other way around. It also sounds like they are making work for the sake of it and using it as a way of exercising control over OP. It's usually an indication of relationships which are to some degree toxic and it's not reasonable to live with.
People who think you need to spend 5 hours a day to keep your house maintained are wasting their lives.
1. Offer to pay rent. My mother wouldn't accept it, but I was prepared to do it.
2. Start buying your own food if you don't already.
3. Do all your own cooking, laundry, etc.
4. Clean up after yourself, wash all your own dishes etc.
Treat the situation like you are renting a room. If your mother shouts at you, walk away. If she persists, say something like, "Stop shouting at me. That's not a reasonable way to speak to another adult."
Is it just me or has everyone missed the point here?
It's not about OP being asked to do chores, but the fact his parents want him to be able to drop anything else he's doing in order to do what they want him to do. They expect him to fit his life around chores and work they give him rather than the other way around. It also sounds like they are making work for the sake of it and using it as a way of exercising control over OP. It's usually an indication of relationships which are to some degree toxic and it's not reasonable to live with.
People who think you need to spend 5 hours a day to keep your house maintained are wasting their lives.
THANKYOU
thank god someone gets it.
I had a very very similar situation when living with my mother.
My younger brother who smokes cannabis most of the day and dropped out of college is given the luxury of doing nothing, and I mean nothing. When asked to the dishwasher, he would take 4 hours to do it, and then when he DID do it, the job was done so poorly, that there was no point. Same when he asked to make dinner, there would be times when asked at 1pm, dinner would not be served until 11pm!
I have severe health problems, suffer from extreme arthritis in my feet, and get breathless due to a combination of panic attacks and the medication I am on. Despite this, I would be expected to climb ladders, bend down and scrub the floor etc.
At that time, I did not mind contributing to the housework. What I DID mind however, was my actual or percieved lack of assistance being used as a measure of how I was a bad son; and whenever I did fail to jump the bar, (which was often) this was then used as a pretext to issue a laundry list of grievances that were bottled up and which had no relation to the issue at hand. I would not expect a person who is illiterate to give a reading of the Bible, or at the very least, to the same quality/standard a person who was literate.
The point I am trying to make here is fairness, transparency and proportionality. If housework becomes a system of scoring points and settling grudges, then that this a toxic relationship. OP, I was very fortunate to move into a bedsit, and I am financially solvent; I am unemployed and on benefits, but I am very comfortable, as I budget. Before anyone thinks me too fortunate however, temper this with the fact that I get all these benefits due to very poor health and substantial functional impairment and disability.
OP;
I genuinely feel for you, as I understand some of the dynamics and dysfunctional behaviours and the impact that they can have upon your mental well-being. With that in mind, should you require additional support, with regards to taking the next step forward and moving out, please PM me and I will be happy to support you further. Take care.
My younger brother who smokes cannabis most of the day and dropped out of college is given the luxury of doing nothing, and I mean nothing. When asked to the dishwasher, he would take 4 hours to do it, and then when he DID do it, the job was done so poorly, that there was no point. Same when he asked to make dinner, there would be times when asked at 1pm, dinner would not be served until 11pm!
I have severe health problems, suffer from extreme arthritis in my feet, and get breathless due to a combination of panic attacks and the medication I am on. Despite this, I would be expected to climb ladders, bend down and scrub the floor etc.
At that time, I did not mind contributing to the housework. What I DID mind however, was my actual or percieved lack of assistance being used as a measure of how I was a bad son; and whenever I did fail to jump the bar, (which was often) this was then used as a pretext to issue a laundry list of grievances that were bottled up and which had no relation to the issue at hand. I would not expect a person who is illiterate to give a reading of the Bible, or at the very least, to the same quality/standard a person who was literate.
The point I am trying to make here is fairness, transparency and proportionality. If housework becomes a system of scoring points and settling grudges, then that this a toxic relationship. OP, I was very fortunate to move into a bedsit, and I am financially solvent; I am unemployed and on benefits, but I am very comfortable, as I budget. Before anyone thinks me too fortunate however, temper this with the fact that I get all these benefits due to very poor health and substantial functional impairment and disability.
OP;
I genuinely feel for you, as I understand some of the dynamics and dysfunctional behaviours and the impact that they can have upon your mental well-being. With that in mind, should you require additional support, with regards to taking the next step forward and moving out, please PM me and I will be happy to support you further. Take care.
I'm on holiday now. I've just finished sixth form and am going to uni in September.
Here's what I do around the house;
~walk the dog x2 per day
~feed the dog x2 per day
~feed and clean out the fish
~make my own breakfast and lunch
~set the table for tea
~make tea at least twice a week
~clear the table from tea
~empty the dishwasher (most days)
~hoover once a week
~go food shopping with my parents
~put the shopping away in cupboard/fridge/freezer
~gardening for my nan (twice a week at present, to clean her patio)
You have 3 options; carry on as you are, get a job so hopefully you dont have time to do any of that, move out so you then have to all the housework on your own on top of having a job.
Here's what I do around the house;
~walk the dog x2 per day
~feed the dog x2 per day
~feed and clean out the fish
~make my own breakfast and lunch
~set the table for tea
~make tea at least twice a week
~clear the table from tea
~empty the dishwasher (most days)
~hoover once a week
~go food shopping with my parents
~put the shopping away in cupboard/fridge/freezer
~gardening for my nan (twice a week at present, to clean her patio)
You have 3 options; carry on as you are, get a job so hopefully you dont have time to do any of that, move out so you then have to all the housework on your own on top of having a job.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
**WARNING: long rant. It wasn't meant to be so long, but I couldn't stop once I'd started**
Ok, I get that I'm unemployed (graduated two weeks ago) and living with my parents without having to pay rent or anything.
BUT MY GOD. Typical day, today. Woke up at 9, went for a run, did a workout, had a shower, got dressed by about 11:30.
I come downstairs and my dad says I need to help him out in the garden. No complaints, I swelter outside for a couple of hours picking up branches and leaves and sweeping all the paths. I make coffee, we sit outside, I wash coffee cups. Mum comes home, I lay the table for lunch, we eat, I wash up.
I have things to do in town, so finally at 4 I'm free to go. I come home half an hour ago, mum tells me to hoover the entire upper floor. Finally I sit down, but anytime now, I know my mum will call me to help make dinner and a salad or something, set the table, then clear up after (because she's cooking). apart from the exercise and going to the shops, I've had NO time to myself today. It's all been what they want me to do. I feel so stifled by this, is it normal!? Reasonable?
Thing is I do all this, and woe betide me if I complain. We've had furious shouting matches over this subject and it's just not worth it, so I do it, but then today for example, my dad was a bit quiet during lunch and when he went upstairs, she started blaming me for it, and lecturing me ('you're part of this house, you should chip in...bla bla bla') when it was nothing to do with me!! I get these lectures at least twice a day, about not helping enough, even when I actually do the thing they ask me.
I'm sure my mum just invents a zillion ridiculous tasks that don't need to be done, and she's neurotic about things like not putting mugs down without coasters, even in the privacy of my room. (she's tried to stop me taking mugs into my room but that was too far and I do it anyway and she lets me now)
Granted I've lived in a student house for the last couple of years so my standards are different, but my parents just create work, or have hobbies like gardening that they expect me to chip in with because those hobbies involve effort. Is that my problem??
It just annoys me that my mum feels that I don't deserve any freedom or time to myself just because she's been a housewife all her life, and doesn't work. Granted, she works hard, but she doesn't care or seem to want a career for me, or any other life other than the kind she's had, which I do NOT want. I hate housework, and hate people who get really precious about their house, and most of all I'm really fed up and bored of feeling I have no control over my life.
I have no plans or money to move out right now, and my house is close to London which is ideal for the jobs i'm looking for right now, but please tell me, is this normal??? Do other people who live at home have to give up this much time to 'house-duties' and helping out their parents?? Am I complaining about nothing here?
Ok, I get that I'm unemployed (graduated two weeks ago) and living with my parents without having to pay rent or anything.
BUT MY GOD. Typical day, today. Woke up at 9, went for a run, did a workout, had a shower, got dressed by about 11:30.
I come downstairs and my dad says I need to help him out in the garden. No complaints, I swelter outside for a couple of hours picking up branches and leaves and sweeping all the paths. I make coffee, we sit outside, I wash coffee cups. Mum comes home, I lay the table for lunch, we eat, I wash up.
I have things to do in town, so finally at 4 I'm free to go. I come home half an hour ago, mum tells me to hoover the entire upper floor. Finally I sit down, but anytime now, I know my mum will call me to help make dinner and a salad or something, set the table, then clear up after (because she's cooking). apart from the exercise and going to the shops, I've had NO time to myself today. It's all been what they want me to do. I feel so stifled by this, is it normal!? Reasonable?
Thing is I do all this, and woe betide me if I complain. We've had furious shouting matches over this subject and it's just not worth it, so I do it, but then today for example, my dad was a bit quiet during lunch and when he went upstairs, she started blaming me for it, and lecturing me ('you're part of this house, you should chip in...bla bla bla') when it was nothing to do with me!! I get these lectures at least twice a day, about not helping enough, even when I actually do the thing they ask me.
I'm sure my mum just invents a zillion ridiculous tasks that don't need to be done, and she's neurotic about things like not putting mugs down without coasters, even in the privacy of my room. (she's tried to stop me taking mugs into my room but that was too far and I do it anyway and she lets me now)
Granted I've lived in a student house for the last couple of years so my standards are different, but my parents just create work, or have hobbies like gardening that they expect me to chip in with because those hobbies involve effort. Is that my problem??
It just annoys me that my mum feels that I don't deserve any freedom or time to myself just because she's been a housewife all her life, and doesn't work. Granted, she works hard, but she doesn't care or seem to want a career for me, or any other life other than the kind she's had, which I do NOT want. I hate housework, and hate people who get really precious about their house, and most of all I'm really fed up and bored of feeling I have no control over my life.
I have no plans or money to move out right now, and my house is close to London which is ideal for the jobs i'm looking for right now, but please tell me, is this normal??? Do other people who live at home have to give up this much time to 'house-duties' and helping out their parents?? Am I complaining about nothing here?
Yes and yes.
I actually think you're really ungrateful. You're living there rent free etc etc and, for all intents and purposes have lots of free time, yes? You live there so you should help out IMO. Its not like your parents aren't doing anything- your dad asked for help in the garden, not for you to do it all, your mum made dinner, so its only natural that you should help her/clear up. I do agree that the mugs in your room rule is silly- as long as you don't form a collection of dirty ones in there, I don't see what the problem is. You say that gardening is a hobby, Yes, and no, IMO. Your parents presumably just want their garden to look nice so put the effort in to achieve this.
I'm 23 and living at home too. But I'm studying full time doing a masters degree. That means around 8-12 hours a day in the library or in archives researching etc etc. On top of that, I work about 12 hours a week waitressing in the evenings and at weekends. I come home and for the most part, am tired and just want to watch tv or something. But my parents have busy at work too. So I unload/ reload the dishwasher, help my mum with dinner, set the table and then clear away. I also do everyone's ironing, hoover etc etc when I have time in the evenings.
I live there rent free. Its not a hotel. Its my house too so I have to pitch in.
(edited 10 years ago)
I have to pay my mum board and do all the house work.
Original post by rattusratus
but thats the point of being an adult you have to live in your means
I grew up in newton hall right on the doorstep of Durham, now I live in Beamish
in newton hall for £500 a month I can get a tiny 2 bed box flat on the railway tracks (average house sale in my old cul-de-sac £110,000)
in beamish for £390 I can get a huge 3/4 bed house surrounded by countryside (average house price between £36,000 and £100,000 depending on size - the latter are actually mansions lol the one across the road from me each bedroom is the size of a football pitch and there is 5 bedrooms
although it was cheaper because the last 2 owners killed themselves 
)
I would love to live in the city but its too expensive so I live where I can afford
I grew up in newton hall right on the doorstep of Durham, now I live in Beamish
in newton hall for £500 a month I can get a tiny 2 bed box flat on the railway tracks (average house sale in my old cul-de-sac £110,000)
in beamish for £390 I can get a huge 3/4 bed house surrounded by countryside (average house price between £36,000 and £100,000 depending on size - the latter are actually mansions lol the one across the road from me each bedroom is the size of a football pitch and there is 5 bedrooms
although it was cheaper because the last 2 owners killed themselves )I would love to live in the city but its too expensive so I live where I can afford
Some of us don't have the luxury of choosing where we live
My partner is in the military and we've been plonked in the middle of the cotswolds. Beautiful, amazing place to live but when your postcode is either in Oxfordshire or the Cotswolds, you can't afford much. We've been lucky. We've found a lovely flat to rent (2 bed - 1 double one small single but it fits all our stuff, mostly) for £620 a month. But to give an example, the average price for our postcode (we live in a flat in a house) is over £500,000. We've now decided to buy as I had an inheritance from my grandparents. We've got a 15% deposit and by doubling our commutes (more expense) have found a lovely house we can sort of afford. We'll be paying £712 a month which isn't too bad. It was hell trying to actually get a mortgage though. Many lenders with decent rates who would lend to a 15% deposit (which I'm talking about being over £20k) wouldn't lend to us because niether of us earn individually over £30k a year. We're on £24k and £18k.It's not as easy as 'just move out to somewhere you can afford'. If you don't work you can't afford much and if you do work will often limit your location.
Back to the OP though, I think you're going to have to call a family meeting (or over dinner). Maybe your father who is a little more relaxed might be able to tame your mother). Explain how grateful you are for them putting you up and rescuing you after university and how you understand it's difficult for them to adjust to have you back under their feet. But also explain you are also having to adjust and if you make mistakes (i.e. putting cups down without coasters) it's not malicious, you've just been away from home for a while. Explain that you want to help them, to pay them back for them putting you up, and that you hate the arguments so you want to find a solution which can work for you all. Be very firm in explaining how happy you are to do chores and help around the house and garden. By stating how much you hate the arguments you're showing you understand there is a problem and that you want to fix it. Also if your mum does kick up a fuss (during this convo or others) just stay quiet and state that you're not willing to fight about this. Don't be tempted to answer back or anything. Bite your tongue, no matter how hard.
Now set out what you're struggling with. It's not the work, it's how it is organised. You don't want to go out galavanting alll the time and make a mockery of what they're providing you with, but you need to go out - to find work and to see friends now and then. Like a previous post suggested put forward the idea of set chores. Yes things will pop up and no your mum doesn't like a lists, but explain this will help you to organise your time better. Some things will always be known in advance. If your dad works on the garden 3 times a week, pencil these in around his work times. Offer to cook and do the shopping x-times a week and write those down. If you know you go for a run/gym every morning put that in as a un-moveable slot, including shower time afterwards.
By offering and fixing certain chores each week you should have room to add one or two things of your own. If they go 'but stuff might come up during 7-9am when you're at the gym' explain that they're being unreasonable. Nothing is so desperate it can't wait an hour for you to come home and you need some time to yourself, and that the gym is important to you. By being the adult in the situation and by being calm and firm, even if your mum isn't, you'll show yourself to be an adult who's looking for a solution. At the very least your dad will see that and he might talk your mother around when you're not there. Good luck!
Original post by Crumpet1
Can't rate fredscarecrow again sadly, but that is an excellent and pragmatic post.
Cheers
I'm of the thought you don't do any work to prove your responsible then you will be gave work to do.
You ever thought maybe they're not actually doing it for bad reasons, but because they want to push you to be greater?
Sure, pushy is a bad thing. But I doubt they're even realising they're doing it.
You ever thought maybe they're not actually doing it for bad reasons, but because they want to push you to be greater?
Sure, pushy is a bad thing. But I doubt they're even realising they're doing it.
stop moaning and help your parents in the house ! You're living with them for free, so what your parents are making you do is not entirely unreasonable tbh
(edited 10 years ago)
Don't like it? Leave. I imagine they don't really want you there sponging and this is why your mum is so bitter/angry.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I'm around the same age. I graduated in July last year. And currently have a part time (hopefully will be full time soon)job in retail I do I pay rent to them (£200 every 4 weeks) I am the one that cleans the house the most. I do the laundry and dishes. Yet I am constantly told by my mother that I am a guest in their house and should respect it they complain I don't do enough and it makes me feel like crap. I don't feel like part of the house anymore (my sister who is married and moved out comes over and isn't expected to do a thing) but I live here do all sorts and am still called a guest who doesn't contribute enough.
Original post by Will's mum
I left home when I was JUST 19.
Thing is these days, when students leave uni they have debts, no savings and not necessarily a job either. When my kids finish uni I would like them to come home (if they want to!) whilst they establish their careers, pay all their debts off, save a deposit for a house etc. I think I would reasonably expect them to contribute to the maintenance of the house with some housework etc. Moving out with no money and no job is harder these days than its ever been.
Thing is these days, when students leave uni they have debts, no savings and not necessarily a job either. When my kids finish uni I would like them to come home (if they want to!) whilst they establish their careers, pay all their debts off, save a deposit for a house etc. I think I would reasonably expect them to contribute to the maintenance of the house with some housework etc. Moving out with no money and no job is harder these days than its ever been.
I'm reading these posts as if you're OP's mum come on TSR to discipline her little boy.
My mom is also the same. God knows after marriage maybe my life will get better. My mom makes me do every task even after that she says that I don't do anything. Girl, maybe you will be getting a better in laws house. May God bless you
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