Nobody makes any effort with me, I am always left out and it hurts SO much!

I am in first year of uni and I have made friends but I have not made any close friends and I am kind of okay with that fact cause I know that the reason that I did not make any close friends is cause I was not very proactive in developing the friendships but even the people that I am slightly closer to never ever make any effort with me and I am always the one making the effort which makes me feel clingy and not wanted and just extremely extremely extremely upset.

Due to many reasons (course, workload, room, health etc.) I had a slightly hard time adjusting in first term, though none of it was social. I got along well with everybody and made quick friends, but because I was having a hard time adjusting otherwise, I was not proactive in hanging out with everybody, though I did make effort through snapchat, texting etc. but everybody was busy hanging out and getting closer and I was still at the same place, got along well but not beyond that. Even during second term the problems continued and again I again not able to make that much effort in hanging out and as everybody was already so close, I was even more behind. Nobody has ever been mean to me or anything like that and everybody is really nice when I meet them but it doesn't go beyond that ever. I am the one who is always sending snapchats, starting text conversations, making plans to hang out (I always pace myself so as to not come on too strong or clingy) and people reciprocate, but nothing ever turns into a great conversation or anything and its always the other persons who ends the conversation. Nobody ever made the first move during christmas or easter break, it was always me. I take time between my efforts, so that it doesnt seem that I am desperate etc. but maybe sometimes I take too much time, I dont know. Even the friends who I hang out with the most on pretty much everyday basis and go to dinner with everyday, never invite me to dinner if I dont go one day and as usual its always me who sends the first message about dinner plans. I am so lost and feel so so so dejected.

Despite people being fond of me, I am never invited for birthday plans ever, cause I feel that everybody only invites people that they are close to and even though I get along very well, I am just always just a friend and never a good friend, but the fact i am not invited bothers me so so much.

Nobody ever adds me on facebook first or follows me first or even back on instagram. It just a electronic version of what is happening in real life where I am always the one who is always making the effort.

Now with exams coming up, everybody is busy as am I, so there is no time to make effort or make new friends. Also I really like all the people that I am friends with and whenever I meet them, there meet me so warmly and I feel like there is a connection but they all already have so many super close friends that I get left out.

I feel I am too nice maybe, but I dont know how to be anything else.

I really want to get to the root of the problem cause this has been the story of my life no matter where I have been.

Reply 1

The 4th Doctor

Story of my life. You definitely aren't alone, if that's a consolation. My first year has been absolutely awful, both socially and academically for the most part. I moved in with a load of people in halls who slowly edged me out of the group, so I got fed up and left for another residence. Then I hung round with people on my course, a lot who really don't like me, as slipped out over the Easter break. But anyway, advice! One thing that I would definitely recommend, though you probably won't want to do it, is get rid of Facebook. Close and delete your account for good if you can. I did after leaving college, and I can tell you, you will be so much happier! It'll make you realise how fake people's 'amazing' lives are on Facebook, and also will kill that horrible compulsive urge to log on to Facebook every second too not get left out. I also does wonders for getting rid of distactions around exams! I've never had instagram, so I can't comment there, but get rid of that too. The only reason I'm even on the Student Room is that, it being a load of people I don't know, there's no pressure to please anybody. Second bit of advice: You say you haven't been that proactive. Well, you sound very proactive to me, and, as a proactive person myself, I can safely say being a proactive person is a DISadvantage because most students are bloody lazy! Seek out new friends how are as proactive as you - maybe try going to an event or society that only a proactive person would go to or find out about? Third piece of advice: Friends are a bit like a chemical reaction - it takes something powerful to bring them together or force them apart. Find something emotionally fulfilling that will bring you close to someone. This is why so many people make friends at societies - everyone's emotionally invested and happyish. Brining me on to... Fourth piece of advice: TRY EVERYTHING! You'll hate my for saying that because you are already a proactive person, but trust me, being proactive where there's no people is not a great place to start. Go to every event on campus, join every society you can, join a gym, take up some new sports, etc, etc. Fifth and FINAL piece of advice: Focus on exams! I know it's a horrible situation, but worrying about it before your exams is not going to do you any good, and if you concentrate on academic work it will at least push some emotional problems out of your brain for a bit. So yeah, sorry for the essay, but I really know what you're going through. Feel free to ask me for me detail about the above or PM me. :smile:

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 2

OVERACHIEVE

(Original post by The 4th Doctor)Story of my life. You definitely aren't alone, if that's a consolation. My first year has been absolutely awful, both socially and academically for the most part. I moved in with a load of people in halls who slowly edged me out of the group, so I got fed up and left for another residence. Then I hung round with people on my course, a lot who really don't like me, as slipped out over the Easter break. But anyway, advice! One thing that I would definitely recommend, though you probably won't want to do it, is get rid of Facebook. Close and delete your account for good if you can. I did after leaving college, and I can tell you, you will be so much happier! It'll make you realise how fake people's 'amazing' lives are on Facebook, and also will kill that horrible compulsive urge to log on to Facebook every second too not get left out. I also does wonders for getting rid of distactions around exams! I've never had instagram, so I can't comment there, but get rid of that too. The only reason I'm even on the Student Room is that, it being a load of people I don't know, there's no pressure to please anybody. Second bit of advice: You say you haven't been that proactive. Well, you sound very proactive to me, and, as a proactive person myself, I can safely say being a proactive person is a DISadvantage because most students are bloody lazy! Seek out new friends how are as proactive as you - maybe try going to an event or society that only a proactive person would go to or find out about? Third piece of advice: Friends are a bit like a chemical reaction - it takes something powerful to bring them together or force them apart. Find something emotionally fulfilling that will bring you close to someone. This is why so many people make friends at societies - everyone's emotionally invested and happyish. Brining me on to... Fourth piece of advice: TRY EVERYTHING! You'll hate my for saying that because you are already a proactive person, but trust me, being proactive where there's no people is not a great place to start. Go to every event on campus, join every society you can, join a gym, take up some new sports, etc, etc. Fifth and FINAL piece of advice: Focus on exams! I know it's a horrible situation, but worrying about it before your exams is not going to do you any good, and if you concentrate on academic work it will at least push some emotional problems out of your brain for a bit. So yeah, sorry for the essay, but I really know what you're going through. Feel free to ask me for me detail about the above or PM me. :smile:

that seems like great advice !