I push everyone away, and feel lonely, but I don't regret it

I'm in year 13 (sixth form from the same school I have been in since year 7) and have never been really deemed as 'popular'. I've always been slightly taunted, a couple times bullied but that was only a phase. I've always let people tread over me and never really fought back, not because I can't, but because I don't want to make a small problem bigger than it already is.

I have a few friends, or had per se. I kind of pushed them away because I never really enjoyed being around them. For instance, until recently I had a 'best friend' that was quite close with me in terms of friendship in school, we had a lot in common. However, whenever another friend joined the conversation, I'd always become the butt of a joke, i.e. they would always find a way to belittle me, mainly through questioning my intelligence and calling me stupid at a common subject that we take (when in reality I genuinely struggle with that subject). I always found it strange that people think it's fine to insult and make fun of someone just based on perceived merit, because I'm not stupid at all, in fact I'd consider myself quite clever, but would never boast like they do. This 'friend' would always do this, and even laugh at my face when I did bad in an exam, thinking that it was fine to do that just because he could. I did nothing, of course, and I still won't. Likewise, this friend group that I was part of did the same, and sometimes still does when I have no option but to sit next to them in lessons or in the common room. I've had people say really mean things to me about my appearance, my intelligence, my actions but I never insult them back, because I have empathy, and would never want to embarrass them in front of their friends. However, they don't seem to care about embarrassing me, to them it's perfectly fine. I guess me not doing anything incentivises them to carry on.

Either way, I'm going off on a tangent. I finally snapped with this friend because he tried to embarrass me in front of some common friends from our A-Level class, and told him to not speak to me. I think it's been 2 months now, and I've not said a word to him, and don't aim to either. In reality, I've just come to realise that he was never really a proper friend, he only needed me to ask me about sixth form or specific work. This seems the case for all of my friends, I don't meet anyone outside of school since year 12, they're not really friends just people I speak to in school.

So, overall, nothing's really changed, I've pushed everyone away to the point where I don't get invited to anything and nobody talks to me at all except a few people who ask me about school. I have basically no social contact outside of school, people in school have even told me that to my face; 'you have no friends' 'you're an npc I never see you outside of school' and I brush it off but it's true, I literally have no friends.

I don't think I'm depressed, but my life is prettttyyy miserable. I cry to myself way too often when thinking about how nobody really cares about me except my family. Thing is, I just wish I had a better friend group, because I'm happy that I pushed them all away, but I do feel lonely, but don't want them back. I just wish I made friends with other people or was a bit more popular at times. I've always struggled to make friends really, I don't really have much in common with anyone.

Now I'm finishing my A-Levels in just over a week, with basically no proper friends to my name. I've realised that since year 12, I get really anxious around people, especially females, not because I'm scared or attracted to them but because I don't go out, so I literally can not talk to them without getting really anxious. I'm going to uni soon and I don't know if I'll fit in at all, it seems like I've just become so boring and gone into a state of seclusion that I don't even know how to have fun anymore. I'm called boring all the time now.

I was just wondering if anyone could relate to what. It's upsetting for me because I genuinely have never felt so lonely, because I know that once I finish A-Levels I won't have any friends at all, but I guess I just have to learn to enjoy being in my own company I guess.

I'm in year 13 (sixth form from the same school I have been in since year 7) and have never been really deemed as 'popular'. I've always been slightly taunted, a couple times bullied but that was only a phase. I've always let people tread over me and never really fought back, not because I can't, but because I don't want to make a small problem bigger than it already is.

I have a few friends, or had per se. I kind of pushed them away because I never really enjoyed being around them. For instance, until recently I had a 'best friend' that was quite close with me in terms of friendship in school, we had a lot in common. However, whenever another friend joined the conversation, I'd always become the butt of a joke, i.e. they would always find a way to belittle me, mainly through questioning my intelligence and calling me stupid at a common subject that we take (when in reality I genuinely struggle with that subject). I always found it strange that people think it's fine to insult and make fun of someone just based on perceived merit, because I'm not stupid at all, in fact I'd consider myself quite clever, but would never boast like they do. This 'friend' would always do this, and even laugh at my face when I did bad in an exam, thinking that it was fine to do that just because he could. I did nothing, of course, and I still won't. Likewise, this friend group that I was part of did the same, and sometimes still does when I have no option but to sit next to them in lessons or in the common room. I've had people say really mean things to me about my appearance, my intelligence, my actions but I never insult them back, because I have empathy, and would never want to embarrass them in front of their friends. However, they don't seem to care about embarrassing me, to them it's perfectly fine. I guess me not doing anything incentivises them to carry on.

Either way, I'm going off on a tangent. I finally snapped with this friend because he tried to embarrass me in front of some common friends from our A-Level class, and told him to not speak to me. I think it's been 2 months now, and I've not said a word to him, and don't aim to either. In reality, I've just come to realise that he was never really a proper friend, he only needed me to ask me about sixth form or specific work. This seems the case for all of my friends, I don't meet anyone outside of school since year 12, they're not really friends just people I speak to in school.

So, overall, nothing's really changed, I've pushed everyone away to the point where I don't get invited to anything and nobody talks to me at all except a few people who ask me about school. I have basically no social contact outside of school, people in school have even told me that to my face; 'you have no friends' 'you're an npc I never see you outside of school' and I brush it off but it's true, I literally have no friends.

I don't think I'm depressed, but my life is prettttyyy miserable. I cry to myself way too often when thinking about how nobody really cares about me except my family. Thing is, I just wish I had a better friend group, because I'm happy that I pushed them all away, but I do feel lonely, but don't want them back. I just wish I made friends with other people or was a bit more popular at times. I've always struggled to make friends really, I don't really have much in common with anyone.

Now I'm finishing my A-Levels in just over a week, with basically no proper friends to my name. I've realised that since year 12, I get really anxious around people, especially females, not because I'm scared or attracted to them but because I don't go out, so I literally can not talk to them without getting really anxious. I'm going to uni soon and I don't know if I'll fit in at all, it seems like I've just become so boring and gone into a state of seclusion that I don't even know how to have fun anymore. I'm called boring all the time now.

I was just wondering if anyone could relate to what. It's upsetting for me because I genuinely have never felt so lonely, because I know that once I finish A-Levels I won't have any friends at all, but I guess I just have to learn to enjoy being in my own company I guess.

I'm in year 13 (sixth form from the same school I have been in since year 7) and have never been really deemed as 'popular'. I've always been slightly taunted, a couple times bullied but that was only a phase. I've always let people tread over me and never really fought back, not because I can't, but because I don't want to make a small problem bigger than it already is.

I have a few friends, or had per se. I kind of pushed them away because I never really enjoyed being around them. For instance, until recently I had a 'best friend' that was quite close with me in terms of friendship in school, we had a lot in common. However, whenever another friend joined the conversation, I'd always become the butt of a joke, i.e. they would always find a way to belittle me, mainly through questioning my intelligence and calling me stupid at a common subject that we take (when in reality I genuinely struggle with that subject). I always found it strange that people think it's fine to insult and make fun of someone just based on perceived merit, because I'm not stupid at all, in fact I'd consider myself quite clever, but would never boast like they do. This 'friend' would always do this, and even laugh at my face when I did bad in an exam, thinking that it was fine to do that just because he could. I did nothing, of course, and I still won't. Likewise, this friend group that I was part of did the same, and sometimes still does when I have no option but to sit next to them in lessons or in the common room. I've had people say really mean things to me about my appearance, my intelligence, my actions but I never insult them back, because I have empathy, and would never want to embarrass them in front of their friends. However, they don't seem to care about embarrassing me, to them it's perfectly fine. I guess me not doing anything incentivises them to carry on.

Either way, I'm going off on a tangent. I finally snapped with this friend because he tried to embarrass me in front of some common friends from our A-Level class, and told him to not speak to me. I think it's been 2 months now, and I've not said a word to him, and don't aim to either. In reality, I've just come to realise that he was never really a proper friend, he only needed me to ask me about sixth form or specific work. This seems the case for all of my friends, I don't meet anyone outside of school since year 12, they're not really friends just people I speak to in school.

So, overall, nothing's really changed, I've pushed everyone away to the point where I don't get invited to anything and nobody talks to me at all except a few people who ask me about school. I have basically no social contact outside of school, people in school have even told me that to my face; 'you have no friends' 'you're an npc I never see you outside of school' and I brush it off but it's true, I literally have no friends.

I don't think I'm depressed, but my life is prettttyyy miserable. I cry to myself way too often when thinking about how nobody really cares about me except my family. Thing is, I just wish I had a better friend group, because I'm happy that I pushed them all away, but I do feel lonely, but don't want them back. I just wish I made friends with other people or was a bit more popular at times. I've always struggled to make friends really, I don't really have much in common with anyone.

Now I'm finishing my A-Levels in just over a week, with basically no proper friends to my name. I've realised that since year 12, I get really anxious around people, especially females, not because I'm scared or attracted to them but because I don't go out, so I literally can not talk to them without getting really anxious. I'm going to uni soon and I don't know if I'll fit in at all, it seems like I've just become so boring and gone into a state of seclusion that I don't even know how to have fun anymore. I'm called boring all the time now.

I was just wondering if anyone could relate to what. It's upsetting for me because I genuinely have never felt so lonely, because I know that once I finish A-Levels I won't have any friends at all, but I guess I just have to learn to enjoy being in my own company I guess.

I understand what you mean; I'm doing my GCSEs right now and I have just realised how many people I've pushed away because I've either been too 'busy' with revising or burnt out and couldn't speak to anyone or have just been really irritable all the time because i overworked myself. I do relate to you in the sense that im not sure what im going to do after exams finish because in reality i have pushed many people away.
Although I am far from uni, I think you shouldn't panic about not fitting in as nobody there will have any background as to who you are so you get to 'start fresh' if you get what im saying remember there will be people from all over the country so there will be at least one person who has much/anything in common with you.

I am sorry to hear that you are so lonely. You are certainly not boring - take no notice of other people's rudeness. I think that university will hopefully be an opportunity for you to meet new people.

Hi,
I get you, and I don’t think your alone o this because as someone has said before, I’ve always pushed others away because I’ve focused more on work and keeping a few friends which have undoubtedly pushed my friends from when I was in year 7 away. I think it’s good you about to start university since as people said before it will definitely be a fresh start and you will be more incentivised to make friends and more likely to find people in common since it’s much different to school. Just try and start talking to other people and tbh, it wasn’t like even if u did make friends in sixth form, many of them would have stayed in touch because most likely everyone will drift away and meet new people in uni so it doesn’t really matter. I also barely have friends outside mostly because I don’t rlly so clubs outside of school and I don’t often meet my cousins or family friends cos they live far away but at uni u will have many more opportunities to go to societies and meet new people who share things in common with you. So I recommend taking this opportunity and starting again, there may be group chats for ur uni already set up which u can join and meet new people before uni starts. Anyways I hope this long comment has helped and I wish u all the best!!

Thank you for the advice , I just want to be part of a friend group that appreciates me as equal. I always feel so lonely nowadays which is awful, but I guess I just have to plod on until uni and try my best to not get in my own head. I'll have a look for uni chats to see if I can maybe talk to a few people there

I'm glad you relate, I often feel like I'm the only one feeling like this. I guess I just need to try and push myself as much in the first few weeks of uni, despite it being difficult for me. It takes a bit of work for me to not be awkward with people now, since I'm unwilling to make new friends. Hope you manage to find yourself after exams

I also forgot to add that you appear to be a very nice person, there are not many people out there who will put up with annoying toxic people like that. Nothing is ur fault on this but rather the people you are surrounded by and I think it’s in many schools that people just tend to be friends with those who can help them get the better grades. Carry on being patient, kind and humble and you will be rewarded, it’s a good thing you left the toxic people bc I’d rather leave them than waste me energy on them which can be used for anything better