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My boyfriend says he loved his ex more than he loves me
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a year now and I would say the relationship is pretty serious. He is lovely and tells me how much he loves me everyday and says that I’m the love of his life, and I feel the same way. We go away together whenever we get the chance and I’m always around his family and friends. I am 22, a final year student and he is 28, a teacher. We talk about marriage and kids pretty much daily, going into serious detail and he’s accidentally slipped out that he wants to be married by July next year which I thought was very specific but still suprising because even though it’s serious, it’s still only been a year.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
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I don't know how much you should trust my advice cause i'm only 18 but,
It makes sense that your boyfriend put his ex on such a pedestal. She was his first girlfriend, and his first love. Though we humans may not want to admit it our firsts tend to be quite hard to forget in general, as it was the first time he experienced all of those things. I understand why he puts her on such a pedestal but that doesn't mean what he is doing to you right now is right.
If it really does hurt you when he talks about her, the you have to tell him. Try not to be angry or such when talking to him about such a thing try to keep calm and communicate with him about it gently but keep your ground. Show him how you feel without getting angry and such and he is more likely to take you seriously but also try to be understanding.
If he really loves you, then he should be willing to come to a compromise about how he talks about his ex in front of you. But you will most likely also have to let it go sometimes but not always if he starts talking about her again.
Don't diffuse the conflict , confront it
It makes sense that your boyfriend put his ex on such a pedestal. She was his first girlfriend, and his first love. Though we humans may not want to admit it our firsts tend to be quite hard to forget in general, as it was the first time he experienced all of those things. I understand why he puts her on such a pedestal but that doesn't mean what he is doing to you right now is right.
If it really does hurt you when he talks about her, the you have to tell him. Try not to be angry or such when talking to him about such a thing try to keep calm and communicate with him about it gently but keep your ground. Show him how you feel without getting angry and such and he is more likely to take you seriously but also try to be understanding.
If he really loves you, then he should be willing to come to a compromise about how he talks about his ex in front of you. But you will most likely also have to let it go sometimes but not always if he starts talking about her again.
Don't diffuse the conflict , confront it
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a year now and I would say the relationship is pretty serious. He is lovely and tells me how much he loves me everyday and says that I’m the love of his life, and I feel the same way. We go away together whenever we get the chance and I’m always around his family and friends. I am 22, a final year student and he is 28, a teacher. We talk about marriage and kids pretty much daily, going into serious detail and he’s accidentally slipped out that he wants to be married by July next year which I thought was very specific but still suprising because even though it’s serious, it’s still only been a year.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
What a completely insensitive and inconsiderate thing of your boyfriend to say. There are some things you obviously don't tell your current partner, and this is one of them. It served no positive purpose and I suppose it made you feel unworthy, lesser, and just all round like crap. And the fact he continued to say it and maintain it later is just the cherry on the top. What the hell?
(edited 5 years ago)
wtf is wrong with him
how do ppl like that exist
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a year now and I would say the relationship is pretty serious. He is lovely and tells me how much he loves me everyday and says that I’m the love of his life, and I feel the same way. We go away together whenever we get the chance and I’m always around his family and friends. I am 22, a final year student and he is 28, a teacher. We talk about marriage and kids pretty much daily, going into serious detail and he’s accidentally slipped out that he wants to be married by July next year which I thought was very specific but still suprising because even though it’s serious, it’s still only been a year.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
It's totally right for you to be upset, I would be if my boyfriend said the same to me. Tell him you need time alone to just process your emotions and sort out how you're feeling.
I suppose one thing to consider is that he isn't saying he doesn't love you. He loves you very much. Perhaps he holds his ex in a different light because he was his first, and many people consider their first to be a very special person to them, even if the relationship ended years ago.
It's up to you what you want to do. I personally wouldn't break up with him for this, but instead I would talk to him about how it makes you feel when he idolises his ex. Perhaps ask him not to talk about her anymore.
What a **** - he would obviously jump at the chance to get back with his ex - please DO NOT MARRY THIS ****!
Original post by YasudaSayo
my ex used to do the exact same thing. when we were first getting to know each other she was all he ever talked about. then when he discovered i was uncomfortable with that and she had became an object of my jealousy, he villianised me for it, called me crazy, and left me.
Oh boy... he has some serious issues. Your reaction was only natural so you are better off without him
Whether he did love her more than he loves you, that's something you just don't say to your current partner. I mean, what did he expect to gain from telling you that bit of information?? Did he think you'd just dismiss it and move on? There doesn't seem to be any real reason to tell you anything like that.
Original post by meenu89
Why are you STILL with him?!
I love him and I know we could have a really great future together. I just feel so hurt now though.
How stupid must a person be to say that to the women they are with now. Goodness me.
I would leave him to be honest. I don’t think you’re overreacting.
Thank you guys for all your responses. He doesn’t understand how heartbroken I am over this. He’s sorry he’s ‘annoyed’ and ‘upset’ me. I wish he could just feel how much my heart hurts right now. He did say that he feels it doesn’t matter how much he loved her, because our relationship is a separate journey and that it’s possible to love me more as time goes on. This doesn’t make me feel better.
I'd break up with him. You need to have dignity and know your value. A guy you are currently dating should be putting YOU on a pedestal not his ex. He should be telling you how he loves you the most, how you are the best relationship, best looking, best sex, EVERYTHING. He shouldn't even be remembering his ex's existence whatsoever while with you. His comments are unacceptable and to say absolute rubbish such as 'I'll love you more as time goes on' is ridiculous.
Girl let that man go. Imagine thing are like this now, if you make the mistake of investing more time and effort into this relationship you will regret it. He has no reason to bring up his ex and reminisce about it with his current girlfriend. The fact that he talks about her the way he does, shows that he has feelings for her. It's ridiculous and immature on his part being 28 years old. You know the right answer in your heart and you know what to do. I wish you luck and I hope you find someone who truly loves you and only you.
Original post by Anonymous
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a year now and I would say the relationship is pretty serious. He is lovely and tells me how much he loves me everyday and says that I’m the love of his life, and I feel the same way. We go away together whenever we get the chance and I’m always around his family and friends. I am 22, a final year student and he is 28, a teacher. We talk about marriage and kids pretty much daily, going into serious detail and he’s accidentally slipped out that he wants to be married by July next year which I thought was very specific but still suprising because even though it’s serious, it’s still only been a year.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
Sometimes he mentions his first girlfriend, who he was together with for three years, from the age of 15. I’ve noticed that he always seems to put her on this pedestal, saying how hot she’s gotten now (via Facebook), how great the sex was, mentioning a song that was ‘theirs’. I’ve always just brushed it off and ignored it, because the relationship ended over 10 years ago and they were just kids. But yesterday, we were on the subject, and he told me that he loved her more than he loves me now.
I don’t know if it’s stupid to be this upset, but I actually feel like my heart is broken. I tried to ignore it and we went to dinner, but as the day went on it just consumed me. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to console me and tell me how much he loves me, and how amazing our future is together and that he has absolutely no feelings for her now but maintains he loved her more, but he still loves me.
How should I be reacting to this. I can’t even talk to him right now and I feel like him telling me he loves me is ingenuine. I guess he’s being honest and that’s a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to see him at least for a while, I feel crushed.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you guys for all your responses. He doesn’t understand how heartbroken I am over this. He’s sorry he’s ‘annoyed’ and ‘upset’ me. I wish he could just feel how much my heart hurts right now. He did say that he feels it doesn’t matter how much he loved her, because our relationship is a separate journey and that it’s possible to love me more as time goes on. This doesn’t make me feel better.
It's worse that he can't comprehend how he'd hurt you. Things will be different when you date someone else, and I understand that some people break up not because of a lack of love but because of something else. Maybe they were toxic or their lifestyle wasn't good for you. Regardless, if he talks about his ex in the way he does, he's obviously still emotionally attached to her. And you know he's still physically into her. Leave him before any more damage is done. He doesn't respect you and obviously doesn't value you enough, which is terrible because he wants to get married so soon. Leaving him may not be easy, but it sounds like you need to or you'll be settling. You'll always be in her shadow, always second best. No one deserves to have that rubbed in their face.
Wow..... just wow. Your guy may be great but he's either very socially awkward or he has no respect for you and is using this as a control tactic that is very worrisome. Just because he said he can see himself getting married in a year doesn't mean it is the right thing for YOU!
I suggest you tell your bf you need a break to process his obsession with his ex. Okay, maybe he would have told you about his special 2 year relationship when you were first talking and learning about each other but a year into your relationship with him and he's still talking about her? It seems he's trying to upset your or (sorry) too stupid to know better. In some sick way it almost sounds like he's wanting you to comfort him about this. And..... then for him to think it just annoyed you??? UGH!
As I said he could also be using this as a control tactic or even being emotionally abusive. I had this great girlfriend.....it brings you down. You seek his acceptance.... you really want his acceptance..... then he thows out the ex again only to bring you down and keep you insecure. Ten years later he should be focused on his current relationship and keeping it happy.
You need to set boundaries NOW! Tell him if he wants to stay together w/ you you insist that there will be no further conversation about the ex. Period. No more. Make sure he is not allowed to bring it up.
Then sit back and have an honest look at this relationship. Do this on your own or discuss this with a therapist or a very trusted loved one (not him) and weigh out the pros an cons of your relationship with him. Do you end up feeling more let down, put down, shamed, not worthy now days (not looking at the beginning of your relationship but now) or do you really feel happy, uplifted, wanted, respected, opinions sought and valued. If it is the former then imagine this..... for your life. It won't get and stay better - I promise.
He is only able to bring you down emotionally if you let him. Stand strong and take a stand (and literally be willing to walk away with your head held high) and do. not. allow him to continue to tell you how he 'loves' you but loved her more.
If you were my sister I'd tell you to leave him. You'll find someone better (and you would). Don't be caught staying with someone who chooses to bring you down just because he is 'safe' and familiar and you're afraid you'll be alone. There are times when being alone (and you won't stay that way) would be more desirable than being with someone who chooses to make you feel inferior.
Sorry for this long post but the concept of your bf doing that to you makes me feel angry and I don't even know either one of you. You deserve to be treated soooo much BETTER! Best of Luck to you.
I suggest you tell your bf you need a break to process his obsession with his ex. Okay, maybe he would have told you about his special 2 year relationship when you were first talking and learning about each other but a year into your relationship with him and he's still talking about her? It seems he's trying to upset your or (sorry) too stupid to know better. In some sick way it almost sounds like he's wanting you to comfort him about this. And..... then for him to think it just annoyed you??? UGH!
As I said he could also be using this as a control tactic or even being emotionally abusive. I had this great girlfriend.....it brings you down. You seek his acceptance.... you really want his acceptance..... then he thows out the ex again only to bring you down and keep you insecure. Ten years later he should be focused on his current relationship and keeping it happy.
You need to set boundaries NOW! Tell him if he wants to stay together w/ you you insist that there will be no further conversation about the ex. Period. No more. Make sure he is not allowed to bring it up.
Then sit back and have an honest look at this relationship. Do this on your own or discuss this with a therapist or a very trusted loved one (not him) and weigh out the pros an cons of your relationship with him. Do you end up feeling more let down, put down, shamed, not worthy now days (not looking at the beginning of your relationship but now) or do you really feel happy, uplifted, wanted, respected, opinions sought and valued. If it is the former then imagine this..... for your life. It won't get and stay better - I promise.
He is only able to bring you down emotionally if you let him. Stand strong and take a stand (and literally be willing to walk away with your head held high) and do. not. allow him to continue to tell you how he 'loves' you but loved her more.
If you were my sister I'd tell you to leave him. You'll find someone better (and you would). Don't be caught staying with someone who chooses to bring you down just because he is 'safe' and familiar and you're afraid you'll be alone. There are times when being alone (and you won't stay that way) would be more desirable than being with someone who chooses to make you feel inferior.
Sorry for this long post but the concept of your bf doing that to you makes me feel angry and I don't even know either one of you. You deserve to be treated soooo much BETTER! Best of Luck to you.
(edited 5 years ago)
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