Is this a valid concern? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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Why is it I feel like I’d drop everything to spend time with him and talk to him. I’ve sacrificed a lot in the past (socially) to make space for him but it’s like he doesn’t do the same. He cancels on me all the time and it’s usually the excuse “I’m really tired” and I don’t think he’s lying since he’s just one of those people in a constant state of fatigue but I’ve been in that position tonnes of time and can I just say on every occasion it could never deter me from wanting to spend time with him. Not once have I cancelled plans even when I would have had a very valid excuse. It’s not that I think he’s dishonest and making excuses for not spending time with me, what I think is that he doesn’t value me or prioritise me as much as I do with him. He hasn’t texted me in the past three days and fair enough since we’ve been busy with exams but I asked if he wanted to come over on Friday after our final exam and he says he needs a “rest day” first (as if hanging out with me is exhausting or something even though I would be really excited and happy to spend time with him after that exam even if I was a little tired from it. It would be sort of a stress relief but he clearly doesn’t think the same.)
And I wanted him to come over so I could actually address so issues I feel we have rather than doing it over text but I guess I’m gonna have to wait even longer. It’ll like he can’t be bothered to initiate conversations anymore and says because we have nothing to talk about but I just like talking to him for the sake of talking to him. Is this a valid concern or am I overreacting?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Why is it I feel like I’d drop everything to spend time with him and talk to him. I’ve sacrificed a lot in the past (socially) to make space for him but it’s like he doesn’t do the same. He cancels on me all the time and it’s usually the excuse “I’m really tired” and I don’t think he’s lying since he’s just one of those people in a constant state of fatigue but I’ve been in that position tonnes of time and can I just say on every occasion it could never deter me from wanting to spend time with him. Not once have I cancelled plans even when I would have had a very valid excuse. It’s not that I think he’s dishonest and making excuses for not spending time with me, what I think is that he doesn’t value me or prioritise me as much as I do with him. He hasn’t texted me in the past three days and fair enough since we’ve been busy with exams but I asked if he wanted to come over on Friday after our final exam and he says he needs a “rest day” first (as if hanging out with me is exhausting or something even though I would be really excited and happy to spend time with him after that exam even if I was a little tired from it. It would be sort of a stress relief but he clearly doesn’t think the same.)
And I wanted him to come over so I could actually address so issues I feel we have rather than doing it over text but I guess I’m gonna have to wait even longer. It’ll like he can’t be bothered to initiate conversations anymore and says because we have nothing to talk about but I just like talking to him for the sake of talking to him. Is this a valid concern or am I overreacting?
Search up “narcissists” and “signs of a toxic relationship”.
You are not overreacting. People getting concerned due to genuine reasons that you stated is normal. If your relationship is making you question yourself, leave. I personally think you are in a toxic relationship.
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Neilos
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Sounds like a valid enough concern... from what you said, he wants a relationship but only when it suits him. Which isn't generally how things work.

In your position, if change isn't happening, I'd stop wasting my time.
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Claydo66
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Search up “narcissists” and “signs of a toxic relationship”.
You are not overreacting. People getting concerned due to genuine reasons that you stated is normal. If your relationship is making you question yourself, leave. I personally think you are in a toxic relationship.
Had friends tell me this. Think I’m only now starting to believe it tbh.
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sinfonietta
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Considering you've had exams it doesn't sound like something you need to be concerned about. Once your exams finish let him have a few days to himself if he needs it - I know I do when I have exams too!
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Neilos)
Sounds like a valid enough concern... from what you said, he wants a relationship but only when it suits him. Which isn't generally how things work.

In your position, if change isn't happening, I'd stop wasting my time.
I agree. Wasting time on something that is clearly not changing is never worth it.
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leopard202
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I think you answered your own question.. you're not overreacting since your feelings are based on his actions and a rational interpretation of them..

A guy who has feelings for you will more often than not love to spend a 'rest day' lying in bed just the two of you
(Original post by Anonymous)
Why is it I feel like I’d drop everything to spend time with him and talk to him. I’ve sacrificed a lot in the past (socially) to make space for him but it’s like he doesn’t do the same. He cancels on me all the time and it’s usually the excuse “I’m really tired” and I don’t think he’s lying since he’s just one of those people in a constant state of fatigue but I’ve been in that position tonnes of time and can I just say on every occasion it could never deter me from wanting to spend time with him. Not once have I cancelled plans even when I would have had a very valid excuse. It’s not that I think he’s dishonest and making excuses for not spending time with me, what I think is that he doesn’t value me or prioritise me as much as I do with him. He hasn’t texted me in the past three days and fair enough since we’ve been busy with exams but I asked if he wanted to come over on Friday after our final exam and he says he needs a “rest day” first (as if hanging out with me is exhausting or something even though I would be really excited and happy to spend time with him after that exam even if I was a little tired from it. It would be sort of a stress relief but he clearly doesn’t think the same.)
And I wanted him to come over so I could actually address so issues I feel we have rather than doing it over text but I guess I’m gonna have to wait even longer. It’ll like he can’t be bothered to initiate conversations anymore and says because we have nothing to talk about but I just like talking to him for the sake of talking to him. Is this a valid concern or am I overreacting?
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Anonymous #3
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You need to prioritize your mental health and detach yourself from him if hes causing you this much anxiety. It gives him a chance to make an effort to save your relationship, and if he doesnt then keep walking awayyyyy
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Claydo66)
Had friends tell me this. Think I’m only now starting to believe it tbh.
I had a feeling it is a narc matter or related to such disorders. I may not be accurate. Slowly stop talking. If he changes his actions for the better after your slow detachment from him, he is most definitely toxic and clearly intends to waste your time.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Neilos)
Sounds like a valid enough concern... from what you said, he wants a relationship but only when it suits him. Which isn't generally how things work.

In your position, if change isn't happening, I'd stop wasting my time.
You’re right. It’s like I’m constantly making sacrifices or doing things and agreeing to things that don’t make me happy rather than coming to comprises with him. He never compromises anything. I’ve tried talking about my feelings over text before but he gives blunt responses and changes the subject quickly. Like I’ll send paragraphs about how communication between us is bad and he’ll say “sorry not good at communication” or “not good with emotions” so I really need to discuss this in person with him so he can’t avoid it and let him know exactly how things make me feel. Usually I put the blame on myself like “I’m sorry I’m just overreacting” and he never gives me any reassurance. Like once I said I was concerned he was losing interest and he just went “cuz you can’t read emotion over text” rather than being like “no we’re okay I still wanna be with you etc”
So you can see why I’m frustrated I’m gonna have to wait longer and bottle this up for longer before I can talk to him in person cause he’s saying he’s gonna be too drained to come over.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by sinfonietta)
Considering you've had exams it doesn't sound like something you need to be concerned about. Once your exams finish let him have a few days to himself if he needs it - I know I do when I have exams too!
It’s not that though. It’s the fact he’s always active on instagram whenever I am and admits to doing absolutely no revision. He doesn’t actually try for exams so it’s more of a kick in the teeth when he says he’s gonna be too tired.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You’re right. It’s like I’m constantly making sacrifices or doing things and agreeing to things that don’t make me happy rather than coming to comprises with him. He never compromises anything. I’ve tried talking about my feelings over text before but he gives blunt responses and changes the subject quickly. Like I’ll send paragraphs about how communication between us is bad and he’ll say “sorry not good at communication” or “not good with emotions” so I really need to discuss this in person with him so he can’t avoid it and let him know exactly how things make me feel. Usually I put the blame on myself like “I’m sorry I’m just overreacting” and he never gives me any reassurance. Like once I said I was concerned he was losing interest and he just went “cuz you can’t read emotion over text” rather than being like “no we’re okay I still wanna be with you etc”
So you can see why I’m frustrated I’m gonna have to wait longer and bottle this up for longer before I can talk to him in person cause he’s saying he’s gonna be too drained to come over.
Okay. Dump him. No way he is going to change, this is not how relationships work. You are solely the only one wanting the relationship to happen. If you got some good self esteem, dump him but do not anger him. Search “how to break up with toxic people safely”. Be safe but seriously stop wasting your time and dump him. Trust your friends for once.
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Anonymous #1
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I understand where everyone is coming from as he appears “toxic” but it’s more just his lack of social awareness people have told me. He’s clueless and doesn’t actually see when he’s hurting me. Nothing about it is intentional. If I thought it was intentional then believe me, I would have broken it off.
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Anonymous #3
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Believe me when i tell you if someone genuinely loves, cares and respects you, they will make time for you no matter what. There is no such thing as 'socially unaware', you need to learn to prioritize yourself because he is currently happy and chilling at home while you're stressing out.
(Original post by Anonymous)
I understand where everyone is coming from as he appears “toxic” but it’s more just his lack of social awareness people have told me. He’s clueless and doesn’t actually see when he’s hurting me. Nothing about it is intentional. If I thought it was intentional then believe me, I would have broken it off.
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Dunnig Kruger
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The thing that's coming over to me from what you've said is that he's luke warm.

The other thing is that for some people, their word is their bond. If they say they will do something they do it. You are one of those people. And good for you for having this admirable trait. Your boyfriend is not one of those people.

Does your boyfriend act like he's embarrassed to be with you, when you are out together in public?
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Anonymous #4
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No but your lack of punctuation is.
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thatsgrape
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Drop him and find someone that values you. It sounds like you’re a genuinely caring person, and despite what you might feel for him, you’ve got to think logically - is he reciprocation the energy you’re giving? also being with the right person should never be draining or tiring
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Claydo66
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
The thing that's coming over to me from what you've said is that he's luke warm.

The other thing is that for some people, their word is their bond. If they say they will do something they do it. You are one of those people. And good for you for having this admirable trait. Your boyfriend is not one of those people.

Does your boyfriend act like he's embarrassed to be with you, when you are out together in public?
Well we rarely go out in public together just because we’re not very social people but I did ask him if we could spend time together out the house and he said he wanted that too. However saying that he never talks to me in front of his friends because we both wanted to keep this thing a secret. But now everyone knows anyway and I still find it weird he won’t talk to me around them. Just blanks me really but he’s under the impression I’m okay and agree with this behaviour (since I sort of do the same to him anyway) but it still hurts a little bit. If I addressed it with him he would change it but I don’t want to feel like a burden because I know he doesn’t want that even though it’s hurting me. Again this is another compromise I have to make for him even though he doesn’t make any.
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Anonymous #1
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Okay so I told him I had something I needed to talk to him about and he says we can talk and he is gonna come but I’m kinda scared about confronting these issues tbh. I know it has to be done though.
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