Girlfriend in music videos makes me uncomfortable

My girlfriend is a dancer and gets in music videos where she performs sexy moves and touching (seducing, twerking, acting intimate etc.) in sexy wear and underwear to male artists. She knows it’s very uncomfortable for me but decides to do it anyway because she wants to be totally free in her job, without worrying about me even minimally. She says she would live happily doing other dance jobs too, but doesn’t want to be limited by anyone in what she does and wants no compromises. We really love each other. What do I do? Am I being controlling?

My girlfriend is a dancer and gets in music videos where she performs sexy moves and touching (seducing, twerking, acting intimate etc.) in sexy wear and underwear to male artists. She knows it’s very uncomfortable for me but decides to do it anyway because she wants to be totally free in her job, without worrying about me even minimally. She says she would live happily doing other dance jobs too, but doesn’t want to be limited by anyone in what she does and wants no compromises. We really love each other. What do I do? Am I being controlling?

My girlfriend is a dancer and gets in music videos where she performs sexy moves and touching (seducing, twerking, acting intimate etc.) in sexy wear and underwear to male artists. She knows it’s very uncomfortable for me but decides to do it anyway because she wants to be totally free in her job, without worrying about me even minimally. She says she would live happily doing other dance jobs too, but doesn’t want to be limited by anyone in what she does and wants no compromises. We really love each other. What do I do? Am I being controlling?

If it’s something that makes you personally uncomfortable discuss it with her because at the end of the day your feelings matter yes it does show a little element of insecurity but coming to a compromise on terms where you both would be happy is beneficial for the both of you at the end of the day for example as highlighted in bold above what if these videos were to be made private instead of publicity restricting and limiting those that view it what’s your thoughts to that?

Was she a dancer when you first met, in which case you knew what you were getting into, or after, so didn't you discuss it with her? She's upfront about what she does, so why do you have trust issues?

I knew she wanted to get s career in dance but we never discussed what kind of jobs she would have, she kind of started to just up and choose them.

If you aren’t secure enough to have a girlfriend of this caliber, move on. Trying to restrict her will make her leave every time. That said, she choose you for some reason, so if you can man up up and let her be herself and do her job she’ll likely stay with you.

If it’s something that makes you personally uncomfortable discuss it with her because at the end of the day your feelings matter yes it does show a little element of insecurity but coming to a compromise on terms where you both would be happy is beneficial for the both of you at the end of the day for example as highlighted in bold above what if these videos were to be made private instead of publicity restricting and limiting those that view it what’s your thoughts to that?

She explicitly said she doesn’t want any compromises. Although she would still be happy only doing other no-male dancing jobs, she doesn’t want to “agree with me” or feel like getting permission about her job, and she wants to feel free about what she chooses. And if these jobs come up she will pick them over others sometimes. Otherwise she would feel “unsatisfied”. So I kept asking her to find something where we would both be happy but this was her answer.

We have had our issues with insecurity in the past and that’s made me more insecure ever since due to some her actions. She says she recognises that but still does not want to make any adjustments.

I think it's evil for 1 adult person to attempt to persaude another adult person into compromising their purpose in life.

I knew she wanted to get s career in dance but we never discussed what kind of jobs she would have, she kind of started to just up and choose them.

I think it's evil for 1 adult person to attempt to persaude another adult person into compromising their purpose in life.

The original poster's girlfriend's current purpose in life is to earn money from dancing.
It is fantastic what she's doing. She will enjoy the process of dressing up and performing and she will get paid good money for each performance.

The original post tells us that she is already aware of his discomfort. If he were to bring it up again, that would just be nagging. There is no way in which this subject can be discussed now in a positive way - unless the original poster changes his mindset and fully supports her professional activities.


You are on the path to her dumping you.
If I were to give her advice now I'd be recommending that she dumps you. Because you are too much of a mill-stone round her neck.

You are behaving in an unattractive way now. Because of your lack of emotional and mental strength on this important matter. Her career is important. It's fine for you to have the emotional knee-jerk reaction that you don't like her dancing with other men. What you should then do is to think with empathy towards her and to supress these negative emotions. You should feel delighted on her behalf that she's getting these dancing gigs.

Nobody is perfect. When it comes to her dancing either embrace it or leave her and go find yourself a woman with a more conventional lifestyle. Although I suspect that at the moment you'd find something to be insecure about any desirable woman that you were with.



Insecurity is unattractive. You can carry on acting in an unattractive way - in which case this will have consequences in terms of your ability to keep girlfriends. Or you can change and start being a lot more secure and chilled out.

Kind of agree, the idea of compromise so often really means control, or simply stopping someone doing something rather than anything that genuinely acceptable to both. It's a bit of an insult to someone's autonomy to expect compromises whenever it suits you.

So you have communication issues, too. Why didn't you discuss it; weren't you interested or supportive? What sort of jobs do you want her to have? What if she was on stage in a skimpy costume and several hundred theatre-goers looking at her?

Yet you say you really love her...

Listen mate that’s your opinion but at the same that’s respectable boundaries and not putting one out of another comfort zone, I could make money by teaching dance yeah definitely a career in dance after all.

By compromise i meant doing something that still makes both of us happy anyway, i’m not trying to control her mate. I just expect my partner to care about my feelings and show it by trying to make me feel more comfortable whilst still enjoying her job.

I wasn’t the one to not discuss it. We always talked about her job and I’ve always been supportive. We just never got to this until she had her first offer. I never thought of this type of job as a dancer job, more model work. And I don’t mind too much if she’s on stage and people are looking at her, it’s not what i mean. What bothers me is intimate or sexy contact with another guy. And I know that on set the scenes probably need to be repeated multiple times to get the right one, and i’m not comfortable with so much intimate/sexy role play. That’s it

I don't expect you to agree for one second that it's evil for the original poster to try to dilute the life purpose of his girlfriend.



Yes you ARE trying to control her. You are also trying to undermine her, in area where you should be fully supporting her if you and her are to have any meaningful future whatsoever together.
Why on Earth should she pander to your feelings over what she does in the professional side of her life? She should follow her life purpose and her big goal in life to the best of her abilities, and if anyone - including you - gets upset by her doing that then the issue is with you, not her.

I think she's shown a high amount of tolerance towards you by tolerating your insecurity. You can't count on her continuing to tolerate your insecurity.




Who does she come home to have sexual intercourse with? Is it him or is it you?
You've won her heart. He hasn't.

I don't like my girlfriend farting loudly in bed. Do I ever ask her not to do it? No. I either say nothing or laugh about it when she does it.
I could go on about other stuff she does that I don't like, but I try my best not to. Because nagging or criticising is poison in a relationship. And it's better to focus on the positives than the negatives. And as an overall package she's more than good enough.