My mom told me to go to Hell

My mother and I have a very up and down relationship, but I don't think that excuses her from saying that to me.

There's a LOT of background to our relationship but I don't want this post to be too long so I'll try give the gist...

Basically, since she found out I lost my virginity (I'm Indian so this is a big deal in our culture [I was 20 when I lost it and I'm nearly 22 now]) our relationship has been in tatters. She doesn't trust me at all and thinks I'm lying to her all the time (her actual words). Thing is, she was imagining all sorts- she thought I was having sex all the time but the truth was that it only happened ONCE (and it wasn't even what you'd call a proper experience). So I had to tell her the truth, that yes I lost it but it only happened the once, because I thought that was better than what she was making up in her head. But I don't know if she even believed me.

But anyway, since then it's just been bad. In short, she thinks I'm a slut who goes out 'acting shamefully' and doing all sorts. I'm not and I've told her this but of course, she doesn't believe me. She's just got a grudge against me now and always thinks badly of me; it doesn't matter what I say or do.

I don't know why she's like this but she makes so many assumptions and considers them to be truths. She's always saying "I know what you get upto, I know this, I know that, I KNOW." And I tell her that she doesn't know anything; she's not there to see me when I'm out so how can she possibly know anything? They're all assumptions and **** she's making up in her head and it's unfair on me!

So last Friday, I was going to stay with a friend at University for the weekend. I told her this on Thursday night (as it was a last minute decision) and we ended up having an argument- her saying stuff about 'knowing' that I act shamefully again (and loads more). I tried to stay calm, but I'm so sick to death of hearing that crap. I asked her to stop because she's still making assumptions etc etc, and it ended up with her shouting at me telling me to do whatever I want and go to hell.

I was shocked, really. I never said anything back, just walked away. But that was the last thing she said to me before I left to go stay with my friend- she never saw me the rest of the night or the following morning. What if my coach had crashed and I'd been injured or worse? Her last words to me would have been "Go to hell". She's said similar stuff, during arguments, to my older brother when he was in his late teens. He was bad and I'm nowhere near as bad as he was, but even then, what kind of mother says things like that to her own children?

I don't really know what the point of this thread is... I guess I just need a rant. I'm just stressed out because we haven't spoken since then (nor do I want to) but there's a wedding this weekend and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through it! There's no-one else my age that I can hang around with so I'll be stuck with her and it'll be more than awkward.

Ugh. I'm desperately looking for a job and I really want to move out, but until that becomes even close to a reality, what can I do? :frown:

Reply 1

almosttrue

so what my mums said allsorts, when i was 17 and struggling with anxiety she was annoyed and once said 'you know what i would do if I was you, Id go and slit my throat.' lol shes a nurse too, people say allsorts :tongue:

Reply 2

Starrstruck

14

Talk to her and tell her about how you're feeling. Only once you've gotten things out in the open, then you can try to understand each other. If she still continues, then be patient and give her some space. At the end of the day, she's still your mum so you should still respect her even if you know that she's in the wrong.

Reply 3

Iqbal007

19

Original post by Anonymous

My mother and I have a very up and down relationship, but I don't think that excuses her from saying that to me.

There's a LOT of background to our relationship but I don't want this post to be too long so I'll try give the gist...

Basically, since she found out I lost my virginity (I'm Indian so this is a big deal in our culture [I was 20 when I lost it and I'm nearly 22 now]) our relationship has been in tatters. She doesn't trust me at all and thinks I'm lying to her all the time (her actual words). Thing is, she was imagining all sorts- she thought I was having sex all the time but the truth was that it only happened ONCE (and it wasn't even what you'd call a proper experience). So I had to tell her the truth, that yes I lost it but it only happened the once, because I thought that was better than what she was making up in her head. But I don't know if she even believed me.

But anyway, since then it's just been bad. In short, she thinks I'm a slut who goes out 'acting shamefully' and doing all sorts. I'm not and I've told her this but of course, she doesn't believe me. She's just got a grudge against me now and always thinks badly of me; it doesn't matter what I say or do.

I don't know why she's like this but she makes so many assumptions and considers them to be truths. She's always saying "I know what you get upto, I know this, I know that, I KNOW." And I tell her that she doesn't know anything; she's not there to see me when I'm out so how can she possibly know anything? They're all assumptions and **** she's making up in her head and it's unfair on me!

So last Friday, I was going to stay with a friend at University for the weekend. I told her this on Thursday night (as it was a last minute decision) and we ended up having an argument- her saying stuff about 'knowing' that I act shamefully again (and loads more). I tried to stay calm, but I'm so sick to death of hearing that crap. I asked her to stop because she's still making assumptions etc etc, and it ended up with her shouting at me telling me to do whatever I want and go to hell.

I was shocked, really. I never said anything back, just walked away. But that was the last thing she said to me before I left to go stay with my friend- she never saw me the rest of the night or the following morning. What if my coach had crashed and I'd been injured or worse? Her last words to me would have been "Go to hell". She's said similar stuff, during arguments, to my older brother when he was in his late teens. He was bad and I'm nowhere near as bad as he was, but even then, what kind of mother says things like that to her own children?

I don't really know what the point of this thread is... I guess I just need a rant. I'm just stressed out because we haven't spoken since then (nor do I want to) but there's a wedding this weekend and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through it! There's no-one else my age that I can hang around with so I'll be stuck with her and it'll be more than awkward.

Ugh. I'm desperately looking for a job and I really want to move out, but until that becomes even close to a reality, what can I do? :frown:

Seems like she's basing everything on what your brother did to an extent, but you shouldn't forget that your mother was brought up very very differently to you and with South Asian cultures people do start thinking way over their heads, always a lot of speculation.

You should really confront her, on a serious talk, about how will she ever trust you.........if all she is doing is accusing without any proof. On top of that south Asian people, especially those brought up there have this attitude especially among the older generations that they cannot be wrong and are always right.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Iqbal007

Seems like she's basing everything on what your brother did to an extent, but you shouldn't forget that your mother was brought up very very differently to you and with South Asian cultures people do start thinking way over their heads, always a lot of speculation.

You should really confront her, on a serious talk, about how will she ever trust you.........if all she is doing is accusing without any proof. On top of that south Asian people, especially those brought up there have this attitude especially among the older generations that they cannot be wrong and are always right.

Been there, done that... more than once. We just go round in circles. You're right about the last part, too. She always wants to think she's right, even when it's pointed out to her, logically, that she's wrong.

Reply 5

Iqbal007

19

Original post by Anonymous

Been there, done that... more than once. We just go round in circles. You're right about the last part, too. She always wants to think she's right, even when it's pointed out to her, logically, that she's wrong.

Have you ever asked her what it would take for her to trust you?
Because I doubt she would even have a answer.

You could go to the extremeness and actually introduce you to the guy you slept with, though very awkward, maybe she will understand.
Otherwise you stop replying back to her comments, end the circle, stop fighting back, maybe she'll realise that what she says doesn't matter to you, let her think.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Iqbal007

Otherwise you stop replying back to her comments, end the circle, stop fighting back, maybe she'll realise that what she says doesn't matter to you, let her think.

Yeah, that's what I tend to do now, although it's very difficult. It's just a pain because we still have to deal with each other. Until I move out, there's no way round it and when occasions occur where we have to be together... awkward!
Thanks for your replies though.

Reply 7

stellardesigf

get over it.

people who disrespect their parents warrant throwing to the wolves.

Reply 8

JordanS94

16

I wouldn't find it bad tbh I would laugh :smile:

Me and my mum throw insults and tell each other to go to hell all the time :smile:

it's a special kind of relationship :biggrin:

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

That's pretty deep, I would be depressed it if my mum said that.

Reply 10

megfashion

14

you just have to learn that that is how she is. its like my mother will *always* say something negative. i like a particular university, and wham here are the negative comments. ive planned out a trip to somewhere responsibly, what negative comments (not even ones that have any backing to it. stuff like "oh but its a long journey", when i am fully aware...). you end up just having to shake it off, know that is how she is, and just say "yeh yeh ok" and thats it.

ive started doing that now (only on the things i feel passionately about though as i still do respect parents :P ), and so if i say yeh yeh she knows im not gonna change my mind :P

Reply 11

Iqbal007

19

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah, that's what I tend to do now, although it's very difficult. It's just a pain because we still have to deal with each other. Until I move out, there's no way round it and when occasions occur where we have to be together... awkward!
Thanks for your replies though.

Just put a pair of headphones and just walk out, so you don't have to suffer plus I doubt your mother will act like this in front of others. If you really want an answer from her, you should confront her in front of other people, she'll most likely be silent or unlikely to say anything due to "honour" and that crap.

Reply 12

Aspiringlawstudent

3

Spoiler: there is no such thing as hell.

Reply 13

Malevolent

19

Oh hell no she going to hell for that.

Reply 14

fran.ha

17

The most important thing to realise if your parents are just people too who sometimes say really stupid things. Ignore it, I'm sure you've said horrible things you didn't mean in the past.

Reply 15

silent ninja

19

Big deal. You need to grow thicker skin dear.

My mum and dad have explicitly said they wish I was never born. Imagine hearing that regularly from the age of 6.

You're a grown girl now. I'm sure you can handle it. Easier said than done but patience is the key. Stay silent when it's heating up and do not take the bait and engage.

Reply 16

cl_steele

2

i think you should remind your mum that this is 21st century Britain and considering most people [or at least the ones i know] seem to be loosing it at 14-17 youve done very well as far as keeping cultural traditions goes thats not to shabby.
personally id just try explaining it to her again and if she still keeps acting in such a manner then just shrug it off and ignore it and adhere to the old adage 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words shall never hurt me'. Chin up though :smile:

Reply 17

Formerly Helpful_C

10

Original post by almosttrue

so what my mums said allsorts, when i was 17 and struggling with anxiety she was annoyed and once said 'you know what i would do if I was you, Id go and slit my throat.' lol shes a nurse too, people say allsorts :tongue:

Yeah, that's not normal.

Reply 18

bahjat93

19

Original post by Anonymous

My mother and I have a very up and down relationship, but I don't think that excuses her from saying that to me.

There's a LOT of background to our relationship but I don't want this post to be too long so I'll try give the gist...

Basically, since she found out I lost my virginity (I'm Indian so this is a big deal in our culture [I was 20 when I lost it and I'm nearly 22 now]) our relationship has been in tatters. She doesn't trust me at all and thinks I'm lying to her all the time (her actual words). Thing is, she was imagining all sorts- she thought I was having sex all the time but the truth was that it only happened ONCE (and it wasn't even what you'd call a proper experience). So I had to tell her the truth, that yes I lost it but it only happened the once, because I thought that was better than what she was making up in her head. But I don't know if she even believed me.

But anyway, since then it's just been bad. In short, she thinks I'm a slut who goes out 'acting shamefully' and doing all sorts. I'm not and I've told her this but of course, she doesn't believe me. She's just got a grudge against me now and always thinks badly of me; it doesn't matter what I say or do.

I don't know why she's like this but she makes so many assumptions and considers them to be truths. She's always saying "I know what you get upto, I know this, I know that, I KNOW." And I tell her that she doesn't know anything; she's not there to see me when I'm out so how can she possibly know anything? They're all assumptions and **** she's making up in her head and it's unfair on me!

So last Friday, I was going to stay with a friend at University for the weekend. I told her this on Thursday night (as it was a last minute decision) and we ended up having an argument- her saying stuff about 'knowing' that I act shamefully again (and loads more). I tried to stay calm, but I'm so sick to death of hearing that crap. I asked her to stop because she's still making assumptions etc etc, and it ended up with her shouting at me telling me to do whatever I want and go to hell.

I was shocked, really. I never said anything back, just walked away. But that was the last thing she said to me before I left to go stay with my friend- she never saw me the rest of the night or the following morning. What if my coach had crashed and I'd been injured or worse? Her last words to me would have been "Go to hell". She's said similar stuff, during arguments, to my older brother when he was in his late teens. He was bad and I'm nowhere near as bad as he was, but even then, what kind of mother says things like that to her own children?

I don't really know what the point of this thread is... I guess I just need a rant. I'm just stressed out because we haven't spoken since then (nor do I want to) but there's a wedding this weekend and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through it! There's no-one else my age that I can hang around with so I'll be stuck with her and it'll be more than awkward.

Ugh. I'm desperately looking for a job and I really want to move out, but until that becomes even close to a reality, what can I do? :frown:

Firstly, why would you let your parents find that out about yourself? :eek:

. The one unwritten rule in the South Asian Culture is that you never let your parents find out anything "Dodgy" that you might do.
Parents say all sorts of stuff that they don't mean, i'm sure you've said stuff to your mum that you don't mean. She's your mum and i'm pretty sure she does love you, she has that thousand year old mother instinct or something :wink:

.
I'd recommend that you re-concolidate with your mum appologise for EVERYTHING, it doesn't matter if you think it's your fault or not just apologise for it and she is your mum which means she has to forgive you :rolleyes: