Girlfriend turned Christian 2 years ago - Don't think I can cope anymore
We have been together for 3 years, she had never had a relationship before, and I had only had these little school 'girlfriends' so I don't think they count.
When we started dating we took things slow, everything was new to her so I didn't want to pressure her, sex wasn't that big a deal we got along and were happy.
After being together for a year she tells me she is becoming Christian, which in short means No sex before marriage, no living together before marriage, not even sleeping in the same room before marriage.
At the start we were happy. I decided to support her because she made me happy. About a year ago she asked me if I wanted to be Christian, it would mean a lot to her if I was. But to be honest I am much more of an atheist if I had to choose, I told her and she was disappointed but accepted it.
There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?
Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
When we started dating we took things slow, everything was new to her so I didn't want to pressure her, sex wasn't that big a deal we got along and were happy.
After being together for a year she tells me she is becoming Christian, which in short means No sex before marriage, no living together before marriage, not even sleeping in the same room before marriage.
At the start we were happy. I decided to support her because she made me happy. About a year ago she asked me if I wanted to be Christian, it would mean a lot to her if I was. But to be honest I am much more of an atheist if I had to choose, I told her and she was disappointed but accepted it.
There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?
Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
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You're the only one who can answer your question since you should know your girlfriend.
Have a chat with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask what does she want out of your relationship.
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Have a chat with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask what does she want out of your relationship.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?
Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?
Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
If you think these man-made rules are going to cause many problems then they probably will. We as humans need that feeling of intimacy at times. There is nothing wrong with that.
And yes, she probably is holding on no matter what.
You should have a talk with her to see how you both can get something out of this relationship.
That's the thing though, I'm afraid of asking her.
She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
Original post by Anonymous
That's the thing though, I'm afraid of asking her.
She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
There's always excuses not to do things like this. It sounds like you are afraid of losing her too. But you've got to face the facts- religion is not a minor thing, certainly not for her, and it doesn't sound like you two are compatable.
She might well want to hold on to you, because finding guys who will wait until marriage for any intimacy is very difficult.
As an atheist, I don't think I could be happy in a relationship based on Christian values, and it doesn't sound like you can either.
Original post by *Stefan*
Being a Christian myself, I find her way too oppressive and what not. I don't really get such a swift change in beliefs (no Christian I know really adheres to no-sex before marriage).
Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
Converts are usually the most militant, usually due to inexperience of socialisation (not entirely sure what is considered the norm) and overt desire to conform (since sometimes the entire reason people convert is for boundaries).
Original post by whorace
If you like her why not be Christian? You do realise it is as much cultural as it is rational or political, or anything of the sort, you just go to church with her every once and a while or what not and some other smaller stuff lol
There's actually Christian atheism.
There's actually Christian atheism.
Maybe because his beliefs are as important and valid as hers?
Original post by *Stefan*
Being a Christian myself, I find her way too oppressive and what not. I don't really get such a swift change in beliefs (no Christian I know really adheres to no-sex before marriage).
Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
The converts are always the most fundamentalist.
Original post by Mankytoes
Maybe because his beliefs are as important and valid as hers?
The converts are always the most fundamentalist.
The converts are always the most fundamentalist.
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
Original post by whorace
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
It is if he doesn't believe in it. He would essentially be lying to her potentially for the rest of their life. Not really a good basis for relationship.
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Original post by Anonymous
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
Personally I think your statements above are contradictory.
You need to decide. I'm sure she can tell if you're suffering (unless she's incredibly self obsessed) and prolonging it would just be worse for her and you.
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Original post by whorace
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
That isn't compromise, compromise is meeting in the middle. Sadly, religion, especially Abrahamic religion, isn't really designed for compromise. You're asking him to live a lie, that is a very bad deal, and pretty pathetic to do so just for a girl you like.
Original post by Mankytoes
That isn't compromise, compromise is meeting in the middle. Sadly, religion, especially Abrahamic religion, isn't really designed for compromise. You're asking him to live a lie, that is a very bad deal, and pretty pathetic to do so just for a girl you like.
I take it your single
People change beliefs all the time for practical reasons. Im surprised why people think its uncommon, or even wrong.
Original post by donutaud15
Personally I think your statements above are contradictory.
You need to decide. I'm sure she can tell if you're suffering (unless she's incredibly self obsessed) and prolonging it would just be worse for her and you.
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You need to decide. I'm sure she can tell if you're suffering (unless she's incredibly self obsessed) and prolonging it would just be worse for her and you.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I know how bad it sounds, that's how I have ended up in a situation where I have to ask total strangers for advice.
She knows there is something wrong, but I just come up with excuses. With us both being at University it is really a LDR. If I'm going to break up it will be in person, and if I tell her the truth, i can't break up in person. But at the same time I feel so nasty giving her false hope
Original post by whorace
I take it your single
People change beliefs all the time for practical reasons. Im surprised why people think its uncommon, or even wrong.
People change beliefs all the time for practical reasons. Im surprised why people think its uncommon, or even wrong.
It ruins relationships especially for someone incredibly religious. Do you really think one can forgive their partner for lying about an important part of their possible shared lives?
I'm Catholic and my husband Pagan. Never asked him to change religions despite the fact it's important to me because it'll be a lie and would destroy him inside. I suspect it's similar for OP here and his gf so your advice won't work at all.
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Original post by Anonymous
I know how bad it sounds, that's how I have ended up in a situation where I have to ask total strangers for advice.
She knows there is something wrong, but I just come up with excuses. With us both being at University it is really a LDR. If I'm going to break up it will be in person, and if I tell her the truth, i can't break up in person. But at the same time I feel so nasty giving her false hope
She knows there is something wrong, but I just come up with excuses. With us both being at University it is really a LDR. If I'm going to break up it will be in person, and if I tell her the truth, i can't break up in person. But at the same time I feel so nasty giving her false hope
I stand by my advice, talk to her. You never know you might come up with some sort of compromise. That is assuming you still care about her.
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Original post by donutaud15
It ruins relationships especially for someone incredibly religious. Do you really think one can forgive their partner for lying about an important part of their possible shared lives?
I'm Catholic and my husband Pagan. Never asked him to change religions despite the fact it's important to me because it'll be a lie and would destroy him inside. I suspect it's similar for OP here and his gf so your advice won't work at all.
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I'm Catholic and my husband Pagan. Never asked him to change religions despite the fact it's important to me because it'll be a lie and would destroy him inside. I suspect it's similar for OP here and his gf so your advice won't work at all.
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Why is it lying? Most people don't have strongly held beliefs in the first place, that's the point. That's why they can adapt another culture so easily. And there's nothing wrong with that, if the other person or culture improves their life.
So one anecdote invalidates my entire advice?
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