is my boyfriend emotionally abusive?
We started off really well and had the most perfect relationship. On paper, he is the perfect guy. Beyond attractive, athletic, smart, fun, outgoing, has strong family values and the lot.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
Scroll to see replies
Yes, he is. It's not enough that he is nice sometimes, the fact that you have to watch what you say around him and that he keeps trying to change you, using the end of your relationship as an ultimatum, is indicative of that. I have never been in an abusive relationship, so my first response is to tell you to leave. However, I know that is hard. As you said, you are in love with him. I still urge to really think about the relationship you are in. If he were the perfect guy, he would not make you feel this way, he would not have mood swings... he would be the "perfect" guy all the time, not just sometimes. You are not deserving of his abuse in any way, shape or form. Never, ever tell yourself that. x
Maybe you need a break from him. If he is not respecting you tell him that he isn't and that you need a break from his anger . Cut communication for say two weeks . See how you feel after .
Original post by sunnydespair
Maybe you need a break from him. If he is not respecting you tell him that he isn't and that you need a break from his anger . Cut communication for say two weeks . See how you feel after .
I find it difficult to stay away from him. I became dependant and feel like I'm only happy with him. The worst part is he is that all I can think of is how perfect it could've been. Even before breaking up with me today he was being the sweetest thing saying how he was planning on proposing.. I just know I won't find anyone better and I feel like it is all my fault and I shouldn't be going out if he doesn't want me to😞
Original post by Anonymous
We started off really well and had the most perfect relationship. On paper, he is the perfect guy. Beyond attractive, athletic, smart, fun, outgoing, has strong family values and the lot.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
Sorry but don't ever get into a relationship. Men are not worth it. They are heartless creatures with never ending ego. Sorry if I'm generalising but that's I've learnt. There is only one man I know of who is actually a man.
Original post by nucdev
Hahaha omg this is hilarious how you're witnessing us mentioning each other's name on every other thread but of course its my eoe bhai!!
That's what I call a real man. 
Original post by BrokenLife
Sorry but don't ever get into a relationship. Men are not worth it. They are heartless creatures with never ending ego. Sorry if I'm generalising but that's I've learnt. There is only one man I know of who is actually a man.
C'mon that's a bit over the top. I've had some psychotic girlfriends (who abused the hell out of me physically) and I let it go on for years because I thought she could change but I don't label all girls like that. I've also dated some of the sweetest people ever, including my current girlfriend.
On topic regardless of who is to blame it doesn't seem like a sustainable relationship from experience when things start to go flakey like "break up" or chronic arguing occurs it's usually time to let go. Things can change and get better but not likely, it usually just gets worse. If things are really good ir wouldn't have come to the point of the OP having to post on a forum about it.
Original post by ron_trns
C'mon that's a bit over the top. I've had some psychotic girlfriends (who abused the hell out of me physically) and I let it go on for years because I thought she could change but I don't label all girls like that. I've also dated some of the sweetest people ever, including my current girlfriend.
On topic regardless of who is to blame it doesn't seem like a sustainable relationship from experience when things start to go flakey like "break up" or chronic arguing occurs it's usually time to let go. Things can change and get better but not likely, it usually just gets worse. If things are really good ir wouldn't have come to the point of the OP having to post on a forum about it.
On topic regardless of who is to blame it doesn't seem like a sustainable relationship from experience when things start to go flakey like "break up" or chronic arguing occurs it's usually time to let go. Things can change and get better but not likely, it usually just gets worse. If things are really good ir wouldn't have come to the point of the OP having to post on a forum about it.
But what do I do if I want to work it out with him if he broke up with me..again? It does feel like it's for good this time because he genuinely doesn't care. I thought it's over for good before but it wasn't. He always came back. And should I go ahead and go out with my friends? Or will that be pushing my luck in terms of getting him back?😕
Original post by Anonymous
But what do I do if I want to work it out with him if he broke up with me..again? It does feel like it's for good this time because he genuinely doesn't care. I thought it's over for good before but it wasn't. He always came back. And should I go ahead and go out with my friends? Or will that be pushing my luck in terms of getting him back?😕
Hard to give advice because it's very situation specific on your personalities and a bunch of other things. Why was he breaking up with you before? Is it the same things? There usually will have to be some type of compromise. Either he will have to accept you want to go out with your friends or you will have to accept he doesn't want you to go clubbing
I don't know whether it is a reasonable request or whatever to suggest who should be making that compromise. If you are trustyworthy and present yourself as such and don't go out and leave him alone every week, his request is pretty unreasonable. If you're out every night and barely see him, then he probably has a reasonable opinion.
A relationship is a balance, that's' why the best ones are usually two people who can co-exist easily as they can get what they want from each other. Seriously enough of my blabbering lol, you have to talk to him. Nobody here can tell you what to do. Communicating in a peaceful way (be sweet to him and nice) will prompt him to apologize and it will be easier to pick up the conversation from there.
I agree with all of the above posts. Plus you need to know that:
He's treating you that way because you are letting him treat you that way. He clearly does not respect you (treating you like you are less equal to him) because you don't respect yourself. You said you don't deserve any better but you do!
Even if you do continue into marraige, and then have kids. If he is constany leaving and coming back, do you know how difficult that will be for your kids? You may be able to handle it, but they probably will feel rejected and not worthy enough for their father's love.
Even if you do not want/ cannot have kids, there will be times in your adult life where you will need emotional support. This could be bereavement or some awful injury or work stress, anything! Surely you would rather a man that would definitely support you, than a potentially cold one who may end up saying 'thats your problem not mine' or something?
You say you don't feel like you will ever find a better man. This is true if you remain 'taken' by your current partner. You need to make yourself single and available because many people resist attraction from girls who are in relationships. Has your bf ever made snide comments about how you are so lucky to have him and that no one else will want you? If so, he is wrong.
I know what you are going through is hard, especially as you love him. But he knows he has you wrapped around his little finger. Prove him wrong.
He's treating you that way because you are letting him treat you that way. He clearly does not respect you (treating you like you are less equal to him) because you don't respect yourself. You said you don't deserve any better but you do!
Even if you do continue into marraige, and then have kids. If he is constany leaving and coming back, do you know how difficult that will be for your kids? You may be able to handle it, but they probably will feel rejected and not worthy enough for their father's love.
Even if you do not want/ cannot have kids, there will be times in your adult life where you will need emotional support. This could be bereavement or some awful injury or work stress, anything! Surely you would rather a man that would definitely support you, than a potentially cold one who may end up saying 'thats your problem not mine' or something?
You say you don't feel like you will ever find a better man. This is true if you remain 'taken' by your current partner. You need to make yourself single and available because many people resist attraction from girls who are in relationships. Has your bf ever made snide comments about how you are so lucky to have him and that no one else will want you? If so, he is wrong.
I know what you are going through is hard, especially as you love him. But he knows he has you wrapped around his little finger. Prove him wrong.
Yes, this is emotional abuse.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years. My boyfriend had pretty severe mental health difficulties, so I kept making excuses for his behaviour on that account. He would do and say really awful things and then claim not to remember them later on. He never said sorry. It only ended when he found someone else. I was devastated to learn he'd been cheating on me, and he got angry that I was upset - he said "Why can't you just be happy for me?" and accused me of emotionally blackmailing him by crying.
Now the real question is why I stayed in such an unequal and abusive arrangement for so long. If he hadn't done that, I'd probably be still stuck in that situation, feeling afraid of him, in pain all the time, and simultaneously terrified that he would leave me.
It's hard, but you need to accept that there is no fairytale ending here. He isn't magically going to stop behaving like this. Focusing on the times when he is nice and trying to blot out the times when he's controlling and manipulative will only cause you to get more hurt in the long run. You are colluding in your own abuse here and that's a pattern you need to break.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years. My boyfriend had pretty severe mental health difficulties, so I kept making excuses for his behaviour on that account. He would do and say really awful things and then claim not to remember them later on. He never said sorry. It only ended when he found someone else. I was devastated to learn he'd been cheating on me, and he got angry that I was upset - he said "Why can't you just be happy for me?" and accused me of emotionally blackmailing him by crying.
Now the real question is why I stayed in such an unequal and abusive arrangement for so long. If he hadn't done that, I'd probably be still stuck in that situation, feeling afraid of him, in pain all the time, and simultaneously terrified that he would leave me.
It's hard, but you need to accept that there is no fairytale ending here. He isn't magically going to stop behaving like this. Focusing on the times when he is nice and trying to blot out the times when he's controlling and manipulative will only cause you to get more hurt in the long run. You are colluding in your own abuse here and that's a pattern you need to break.
Yes, this is abusive behaviour. Horribly abusive and psychologically manipulative behaviour.
Yes, you should stay well away from him.
But you probably won't, and that's a measure of how abusive this relationship truly is.
Yes, you should stay well away from him.
But you probably won't, and that's a measure of how abusive this relationship truly is.
This is abuse, no question about it. He is manipulating and controlling you. Having been in a very similar situation, I urge you to leave and cut off all contact, please do it. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but if you break up with him, I'm certain you're gonna hurt so much, and it's gonna be difficult; you're gonna find yourself missing him, regretting the decision etc.
But a couple of months after, you will look back at this and realise that it was the best decision you ever made. You will feel so free and your life will be so much better ,and you will go on to meet a guy a million times better than this. Trust me, I have just been there. You can do it... good luck and please keep us updated.
But a couple of months after, you will look back at this and realise that it was the best decision you ever made. You will feel so free and your life will be so much better ,and you will go on to meet a guy a million times better than this. Trust me, I have just been there. You can do it... good luck and please keep us updated.
Also ,my ex was 'really nice' sometimes and I was also in love so I understand that it's not easy to leave. You just have to find all of the strength you've got. I would not usually tell someone to leave their partner, but the way you've described him makes me feel sick, and from my own personal experience, I totally understand how you must feel around him, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're a little afraid of him.
Original post by Anonymous
I find it difficult to stay away from him. I became dependant and feel like I'm only happy with him. The worst part is he is that all I can think of is how perfect it could've been. Even before breaking up with me today he was being the sweetest thing saying how he was planning on proposing.. I just know I won't find anyone better and I feel like it is all my fault and I shouldn't be going out if he doesn't want me to😞
Yep. this is exactly how I was. In my head, it used to be so perfect, and it could have been, but it isn't and it's all my fault.
'I just know I won't find anyone better'
Oh, it is not difficult to find better than this guy trust me. To the rest of us here, he sounds like a complete snake, sorry to say it like that but it is true.
If he doesn't want you going out, then that's his issue. If you want to go out, you go. He has no right to tell you that.
I just want to add my voice to the many who are calling this emotional abuse. Like others here I had a relationship like this myself, with a guy who would use breaking up with me and cancelling plans as a punishment to try to control my behaviour. He lapped up my distress and the attention I gave the situation, and then would "give me another chance" when that got boring and he felt he'd made his point, only to break up with me again within hours or days. In between these times, he treated me like the love of his life.
He was a very insecure, unhappy man who felt like the only way he could keep me was by stamping me into the ground until I didn't feel that I was worth anybody else's love, and making me think that I was lucky he would even look at me. He would blatantly flirt with girls in front of me to prove how easily he could get someone else, then tell me I was lucky he had chosen me. He even cheated on me and then told me I should appreciate that he then chose to come back to me instead of going off with her. Thank god, at that point I opened my eyes and finished it. (About time.)
I feel like a lot of this might ring true for you, OP. I hope you take on board what others and myself are saying, and kick this toxic jerk to the kerb.
Posted from TSR Mobile
He was a very insecure, unhappy man who felt like the only way he could keep me was by stamping me into the ground until I didn't feel that I was worth anybody else's love, and making me think that I was lucky he would even look at me. He would blatantly flirt with girls in front of me to prove how easily he could get someone else, then tell me I was lucky he had chosen me. He even cheated on me and then told me I should appreciate that he then chose to come back to me instead of going off with her. Thank god, at that point I opened my eyes and finished it. (About time.)
I feel like a lot of this might ring true for you, OP. I hope you take on board what others and myself are saying, and kick this toxic jerk to the kerb.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
We started off really well and had the most perfect relationship. On paper, he is the perfect guy. Beyond attractive, athletic, smart, fun, outgoing, has strong family values and the lot.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
However I'm starting to question whether this guy is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. For the last few months I've been finding myself constantly feeling like I have to ask whats wrong and figure out whats going on with us. I find myself having to watch everything I say so he doesnt get angry, he constantly points out things he wants me to change about myself, its one rule for him and another for me, and the worst part is he keeps breaking up with me and coming back..it started of once a month, to multiple times a day.
We've discussed our future together endlessly and had serious plans, recently I find myself thinking I have the most perfect boyfriend as he knows exactly what to say to make me smile, he'll tell me im the most beautiful girl and how he only has eyes for me, how he cant wait for our life to progress together, he will buy me flowers and take me to dinner, only to break up with me a few hours later and decide that he is done.
Tonight he did it again, because I mentioned I was going out clubbing with my friends. He says he doesnt trust me and that it is all over between us and I should just F**k off. I ended up finding myself apologising, saying I should have asked permission to go out if he doesnt trust me and I even said I wouldnt go out. (He was going to be out that same night with his friends) but he said it was too late and that I obviously didnt want to make things work.
We've had our issues like any relationship does, but made an agreement to fully commit to leaving it all behind and working on improving everything, however 10minutes after telling me I will be his wife, I was being dumped. Again.
I am so used to him breaking up with me but even then he'd never go as far as telling me to forget all these plans we made, telling to me f**k off, and just being so cold so I think it is all over this time. He used to always come back no matter how many times it was over for good, but he never behaved quite like this.
As crazy as it is, I am in love with him and when he's being nice it is the most perfect relationship and I know I could spend my life with him, but I'm starting to wonder if he's manipulating me or if it is all genuinely my fault and I deserve all this because I'm not trying hard enough to make him happy.
Yes, from the sounds of what you've said you are in an abusive relationship and it's not your fault. He may have seemed like the perfect person to begin with but when you care about people, it can give them power over you and he's clearly used this power to make you question yourself and your actions and put him above yourself.He's made it hard to imagine life without him by talking about your future and showering you with compliments, am I right? And from what you've said about suddenly having changes of heart, what he seems to be doing is making you feel lucky to be with him by exploiting the power he has to end your relationship and that is NOT a fair thing to do.In a healthy relationship you should never have to change who you are or what you want to do for your partner. Compromises of course need to happen but it sounds like in this situation, it's you that always has to bend to what he wants. There is nothing wrong with going out with your friends and without him; you NEED this for a healthy social life! The fact that he's going out with his friends and doesn't want you to really demonstrates the double standard in your relationship.I'm speaking from personal experience here- get out of this relationship. Imagine if you are married in a few years and this continues to happen, he's using milestones to keep you invested but it sounds like he's never going to change. There are people out there who will treat you right and value you like you deserve to be, so my advice is to move on before he does any more damage to you, no matter how hard it is, because one day it will pay off!
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Renting on Benefits
- I want a FwB with my ex's ex, what should I do?
- i’m cheating i need advice
- Social services uk
- Girls whats it like giving oral to a guy ??
- Helpppp
- I love my boyfriend and my ex…
- boyfriend is joining the RAF
- Is it alright if my boyfriend slaps me?
- Abuse
- Argument with my mum
- Am I in the wrong?
- Have you experienced racism or harassment at drama school or during the auditions?
- I don’t like my moms boyfriend
- A Powerful and Inspirational song / story for abused women
- Comparing my love for bf with others.. am I loving him as much as I should be?
- Am i being groomed..?
- Relationship problems
- What do I do?!
- i should stop thinking about him
Latest
Trending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
