Help With A Boring Relationship
So Ive been in a relationship with this girl for about 2 months now.
She's got all the desirable traits I would want in a girlfriend, which is great.
However, a side affect of this is that the relationship is becoming too 'friend-like', there just isnt the same spark that I had with my ex girlfriend (whom Im not completely over admittedly)
The girl Im with is really innocent, she makes no sexual hints whatsoever and even seems weirded out by the thought of sex.
Fair enough. Im not going to force her to do anything, but it is very frustrating having a relationship at 18 years old with 0 sexual contact.
But as well as this, she doesn't seem too bothered by the whole relationship, as if its just something she has. I mean, its like she doesn't really care or appreciate the relationship (again, going back to my past experiences, girls prior have gave the impression that they are happy etc)
It seems from what Ive said that Im looking for validation, which may be partially true, but I guess its nice to know the person genuinely cares for you.
Before people tell me to break up with her, Id like to reiterate what I said at the beginning of the post; She is pretty much the whole package apart from these issues.
Thanks for reading!
She's got all the desirable traits I would want in a girlfriend, which is great.
However, a side affect of this is that the relationship is becoming too 'friend-like', there just isnt the same spark that I had with my ex girlfriend (whom Im not completely over admittedly)
The girl Im with is really innocent, she makes no sexual hints whatsoever and even seems weirded out by the thought of sex.
Fair enough. Im not going to force her to do anything, but it is very frustrating having a relationship at 18 years old with 0 sexual contact.
But as well as this, she doesn't seem too bothered by the whole relationship, as if its just something she has. I mean, its like she doesn't really care or appreciate the relationship (again, going back to my past experiences, girls prior have gave the impression that they are happy etc)
It seems from what Ive said that Im looking for validation, which may be partially true, but I guess its nice to know the person genuinely cares for you.
Before people tell me to break up with her, Id like to reiterate what I said at the beginning of the post; She is pretty much the whole package apart from these issues.
Thanks for reading!
Original post by 1501
maybe she needs a little help coming out of her shell. do you know about her past relationships? maybe she's shy because she doesn't have much experience and just needs a little time to have the capability to step out of her comfort zone.
I was going to say something along the lines of this (^.^)
Original post by 1501
maybe she needs a little help coming out of her shell. do you know about her past relationships? maybe she's shy because she doesn't have much experience and just needs a little time to have the capability to step out of her comfort zone.
She has had none before me, which does explain alot. How would I go about helping her come out of her shell?
Stop comparing her to your ex for starters.
The issue is you have a pre conceived idea of what the relationship should be.
The issue is you have a pre conceived idea of what the relationship should be.
Original post by Sam Walters
Stop comparing her to your ex for starters.
The issue is you have a pre conceived idea of what the relationship should be.
The issue is you have a pre conceived idea of what the relationship should be.
That's a fair point you have made. I know I would probably be happier in my current relationship if I had nothing to compare it against.
Perhaps she's not that into you? Some girls will hang out with a guy just for show as it can look sad if a girl doesnt have a guy far worse than if a guy doesnt have a girl. Hence she may figure she will have a better chance of scoring with another guy if she already has boyfriend, some women don't see already having a bloke as a possible block to it even though to many guys it is.
Original post by Anonymous
That's a fair point you have made. I know I would probably be happier in my current relationship if I had nothing to compare it against.
I may have been a bit blunt. But I dont know how else to say it chap.
Of course you would be. You are making your experience with them and molding with them. Rather then again sticking to pre conceived ideas.
Original post by Anonymous
That's a fair point you have made. I know I would probably be happier in my current relationship if I had nothing to compare it against.
Take it slow with her then. She needs to "awake" for sure, understand her own desires and needs both sexually and in terms of "what I need from a relationship". Be romantic, make it visible that she's special to you and the relationship between you is different to the rest. Take it slow with getting physical, you know holding hands>cuddles>kissing>kissing more passionately>kissing neck/ears etc whatever you like
Original post by Anonymous
She has had none before me, which does explain alot. How would I go about helping her come out of her shell?
There you go. I think that explains pretty much everything. She must just be scared or apprehensive. I really wouldn't expect a girl with no experience to be comfortable in such a situation at all.
As you said before you don't want to force her into doing anything. Instead, ease it onto her, initiating gentle contact and introducing different things as you progress further. Bearing in mind you don't want to be intrusive and do something wrong at the wrong time, you should also talk to her about it, maybe it will make the situation a little bit easier for her to deal with. Perhaps do things together; things she would enjoy and in a place she feels comfortable in. After you have a good time together, it's likely she'll be more open.
If you really do like this girl as much as it seems then you should give her the time she needs. It may be a slow process at first but if you go the right way about it, it could lead you to a very healthy and long-lasting relationship.
Original post by Sam Walters
I may have been a bit blunt. But I dont know how else to say it chap.
Of course you would be. You are making your experience with them and molding with them. Rather then again sticking to pre conceived ideas.
Of course you would be. You are making your experience with them and molding with them. Rather then again sticking to pre conceived ideas.
To be fair though, I think its reasonable to expect intimacy from a partner. Dont you?
Original post by Stewie2011
Perhaps she's not that into you? Some girls will hang out with a guy just for show as it can look sad if a girl doesnt have a guy far worse than if a guy doesnt have a girl. Hence she may figure she will have a better chance of scoring with another guy if she already has boyfriend, some women don't see already having a bloke as a possible block to it even though to many guys it is.
This is definitely something I have considered, and while it may be true, I think its unlikely. She isnt that kind of girl (from what I see)
Original post by Viridiana
Take it slow with her then. She needs to "awake" for sure, understand her own desires and needs both sexually and in terms of "what I need from a relationship". Be romantic, make it visible that she's special to you and the relationship between you is different to the rest. Take it slow with getting physical, you know holding hands>cuddles>kissing>kissing more passionately>kissing neck/ears etc whatever you like
yeah, I have been attempting this over the past few weeks but to no avail
Original post by 1501
There you go. I think that explains pretty much everything. She must just be scared or apprehensive. I really wouldn't expect a girl with no experience to be comfortable in such a situation at all.
As you said before you don't want to force her into doing anything. Instead, ease it onto her, initiating gentle contact and introducing different things as you progress further. Bearing in mind you don't want to be intrusive and do something wrong at the wrong time, you should also talk to her about it, maybe it will make the situation a little bit easier for her to deal with. Perhaps do things together; things she would enjoy and in a place she feels comfortable in. After you have a good time together, it's likely she'll be more open.
If you really do like this girl as much as it seems then you should give her the time she needs. It may be a slow process at first but if you go the right way about it, it could lead you to a very healthy and long-lasting relationship.
As you said before you don't want to force her into doing anything. Instead, ease it onto her, initiating gentle contact and introducing different things as you progress further. Bearing in mind you don't want to be intrusive and do something wrong at the wrong time, you should also talk to her about it, maybe it will make the situation a little bit easier for her to deal with. Perhaps do things together; things she would enjoy and in a place she feels comfortable in. After you have a good time together, it's likely she'll be more open.
If you really do like this girl as much as it seems then you should give her the time she needs. It may be a slow process at first but if you go the right way about it, it could lead you to a very healthy and long-lasting relationship.
Interesting that you mention talking to her about it. I dont know how I can bring this up without sounding like an ******* to be quite honest.
Yeah we have been going out to places she likes alot so far, it doesnt seem to be making a lot of difference.
Original post by Anonymous
To be fair though, I think its reasonable to expect intimacy from a partner. Dont you?
At 18, having never been with anyone before, after only a couple of months? It will depend on the girl, but there are girls who will simply not feel close enough to you to feel comfortable yet (and possibly for quite a while yet.) As someone said above, you will have to take things at her pace, which, it seems, is slowly. If that bothers you too much, then maybe you need to find someone who has a pace similar to yours.
yeah, I have been attempting this over the past few weeks but to no avail
Again, your idea of a long time to wait is clearly a few weeks. Having been in the same situation as your gf, mine would have been much closer to several months. Which leads us onto...
Interesting that you mention talking to her about it. I dont know how I can bring this up without sounding like an ******* to be quite honest.
Yeah we have been going out to places she likes alot so far, it doesnt seem to be making a lot of difference.
At 18, having never been with anyone before, after only a couple of months? It will depend on the girl, but there are girls who will simply not feel close enough to you to feel comfortable yet (and possibly for quite a while yet.) As someone said above, you will have to take things at her pace, which, it seems, is slowly. If that bothers you too much, then maybe you need to find someone who has a pace similar to yours.
yeah, I have been attempting this over the past few weeks but to no avail
Again, your idea of a long time to wait is clearly a few weeks. Having been in the same situation as your gf, mine would have been much closer to several months. Which leads us onto...
Interesting that you mention talking to her about it. I dont know how I can bring this up without sounding like an ******* to be quite honest.
Yeah we have been going out to places she likes alot so far, it doesnt seem to be making a lot of difference.
You should definitely talk to her!! (Try watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylRwDSQaWCs for the best way to understand why communication in relationships is so important. It's not totally appropriate to this situation, but the sentiment remains the same...) There's no need to come across as anything other than what you are: interested in how you both want your relationship to develop. The conversation would involve 2 things. A. Asking her how she sees your relationship developing in terms of physicalness (ie. what she is or would be comfortable with, and what you can do for her) and B. Telling her what you would like. From there, you find out where to go. If you're in perfect agreement, excellent, problem solved. If not, then work on a solution.
Original post by emilyb96
You should definitely talk to her!! (Try watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylRwDSQaWCs for the best way to understand why communication in relationships is so important. It's not totally appropriate to this situation, but the sentiment remains the same...) There's no need to come across as anything other than what you are: interested in how you both want your relationship to develop. The conversation would involve 2 things. A. Asking her how she sees your relationship developing in terms of physicalness (ie. what she is or would be comfortable with, and what you can do for her) and B. Telling her what you would like. From there, you find out where to go. If you're in perfect agreement, excellent, problem solved. If not, then work on a solution.
Regarding intimacy, I didnt mean sex exactly. I meant anything from cuddling to kissing to sex. I have only ever had a few pecks on the lips from her. Apoliogies for not clearing that up.
About the 'your idea of a long time to wait is clearly a few weeks...', I see your point here. However, I have not see any progression in these weeks. I think we have went out about 15 times or so, and we message ALOT in the times between. As I said above, Ive only really held her hand and pecked her on the lips a few times, which is worrying me.
I dont know how to bring it up though, I think I know what Id say if the topic were to arise, its just starting it thats the problem.
Original post by Anonymous
Regarding intimacy, I didnt mean sex exactly. I meant anything from cuddling to kissing to sex. I have only ever had a few pecks on the lips from her. Apoliogies for not clearing that up.
About the 'your idea of a long time to wait is clearly a few weeks...', I see your point here. However, I have not see any progression in these weeks. I think we have went out about 15 times or so, and we message ALOT in the times between. As I said above, Ive only really held her hand and pecked her on the lips a few times, which is worrying me.
I dont know how to bring it up though, I think I know what Id say if the topic were to arise, its just starting it thats the problem.
About the 'your idea of a long time to wait is clearly a few weeks...', I see your point here. However, I have not see any progression in these weeks. I think we have went out about 15 times or so, and we message ALOT in the times between. As I said above, Ive only really held her hand and pecked her on the lips a few times, which is worrying me.
I dont know how to bring it up though, I think I know what Id say if the topic were to arise, its just starting it thats the problem.
No problem. It depends on her, but she may still just be uncomforatble with physical intimacy of any description before she knows someone very well. Or she may see you as more of a friend. The internet can't tell you that I'm afraid, only she can. I totally know what you mean about not knowing how to start that conversation, but if you're unhappy the odds are she will have picked up on it and it will be festering underneath your relationship as it stands. I am awful at starting awkward conversations, but I think the best thing you can do is bite the bullet and do it. Make it a question about how far she feels comfortable with physical intimacy, rather than your feeling deprived for lack thereof, but you need to address this to find out how compatible you really are, because clearly, you are currently unhappy... x
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