Struggling with Dad.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
Tw/ abuse




When I was a young teenager my dad sexually abused me.
I am 19 and still living with him. He hasn't done anything to me in 5 years.

Everytime I have any kind of argument with him all my feelings of hurt and betrayal, anger, devisation, mistrust comeback. I don't know how to make myself respect him enough/ separate myself from what he did to me.

He lives as if he never hurt me. He never acknowledes that he hurt me.

When he hugs me I am terrified, when he walks past me I find it physically disgusting as it often triggers OCD style sexual intrusive images. These images I get never actually happened.
I can't bear his choices of words, given the context of every thing he doesn't change them. He says that we are going to have 'fun time'. What he actually means (innocently) is that we are going to share a dessert

And he is seemingly fine.
Does he not care?
Can he not see how I am suffering?
Why has he seemingly forgiven himself with our asking my forgiveness?

How do I make every interaction between us not about me? It's toxic for both of us.
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Pathway
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#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
You are traumatised and you need to seek help and get away from him. He doesn't care because he is an abuser. He doesn't care for you.
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becausethenight
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#3
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Get out, and get help. He isn't going to change - all you can do is get yourself away from him and start to heal.

Possibly helpful resources: https://www.csacentre.org.uk/where-to-get-help/, https://www.samaritans.org/, https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ (for advice on moving out, finding work/uni etc).

:goodluck:
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Anonymous #1
#4
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(Original post by Pathway)
You are traumatised and you need to seek help and get away from him. He doesn't care because he is an abuser. He doesn't care for you.
That's the thing though, I have really debilitating mental health problems. I can't live without my parents support. Even though bizarrely they refuse to acknowledge I have mental health problems.
I can't organise myself, I leave ovens, I forget to do basic things. I can't function.

I can't just label him as an abuser, it makes me feel ungrateful, he has done kind things for me. We have had nice times together. I also don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to be selfish towards her. She needs this act that my dad puts on.
When I have ever tried to talk to her about it she says 'she believes me but she believes him at the same time' OR 'your dad wouldn't do that to you' in other words she thinks it's a dilution. It's not.
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Anonymous #1
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Also, when I was 16 I did ask for help, but no one actually helped me. This was partly because I felt too guilty and secondly because 'it wasn't that bad'.
There was a police investigation but it was my word against him. I think everyone just thought I was attention seeking, but I was just terrified.
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becausethenight
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Also, when I was 16 I did ask for help, but no one actually helped me. This was partly because I felt too guilty and secondly because 'it wasn't that bad'.
There was a police investigation but it was my word against him. I think everyone just thought I was attention seeking, but I was just terrified.
That's awful :hugs:

Asking for support in moving out or getting counselling wouldn't be the same as a police investigation, though - you would get the help you need as they don't have to establish if it's 'true', they can just help.
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Anonymous #2
#7
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#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
That's the thing though, I have really debilitating mental health problems. I can't live without my parents support. Even though bizarrely they refuse to acknowledge I have mental health problems.
I can't organise myself, I leave ovens, I forget to do basic things. I can't function.

I can't just label him as an abuser, it makes me feel ungrateful, he has done kind things for me. We have had nice times together. I also don't want to upset my mum. I don't want to be selfish towards her. She needs this act that my dad puts on.
When I have ever tried to talk to her about it she says 'she believes me but she believes him at the same time' OR 'your dad wouldn't do that to you' in other words she thinks it's a dilution. It's not.
You should definitely try to seek help now don’t just give up and put yourself in danger. Maybe you won’t know how much you can achieve on your own because you have always needed/relied on them for support. Maybe if you don’t work try to go for part time job see what you can do with their support but also whist finding yourself and kind of slowly believing in yourself that you can definitely survive without them or especially your dad. He has abused his position to protect you whilst under her guard, don’t feel any guilt at all cos they are your parents who are suppose to guard and protect you. It’s their duty to provide for you until you can for yourself. Don’t let the dark thoughts get you down or get in your way. I am sure you can achieve amazing things if you continue to be strong but more independent slowly. Build your confidence and have a goal.
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Anonymous #2
#8
Report 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You should definitely try to seek help now don’t just give up and put yourself in danger. Maybe you won’t know how much you can achieve on your own because you have always needed/relied on them for support. Maybe if you don’t work try to go for part time job see what you can do with their support but also whist finding yourself and kind of slowly believing in yourself that you can definitely survive without them or especially your dad. He has abused his position to protect you whilst under her guard, don’t feel any guilt at all cos they are your parents who are suppose to guard and protect you. It’s their duty to provide for you until you can for yourself. Don’t let the dark thoughts get you down or get in your way. I am sure you can achieve amazing things if you continue to be strong but more independent slowly. Build your confidence and have a goal.
* try to find a part time work to get you started sometime simple and maybe do stuff that make you feel strong and positive. Exercise is my go to but anything is fine to get you out and about and seeing the world (even if it’s your local area lol). I hope your situation improves and you continue to be strong and positive✊ you can do it. Hope this helps somehow.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
You should definitely try to seek help now don’t just give up and put yourself in danger. Maybe you won’t know how much you can achieve on your own because you have always needed/relied on them for support. Maybe if you don’t work try to go for part time job see what you can do with their support but also whist finding yourself and kind of slowly believing in yourself that you can definitely survive without them or especially your dad. He has abused his position to protect you whilst under her guard, don’t feel any guilt at all cos they are your parents who are suppose to guard and protect you. It’s their duty to provide for you until you can for yourself. Don’t let the dark thoughts get you down or get in your way. I am sure you can achieve amazing things if you continue to be strong but more independent slowly. Build your confidence and have a goal.
I am not in any danger from him, he hasn't done anything in years. The past is hurting me badly.
Honestly I want to work, I got my first job at 14 BUT I can't function on a basic level. I can't remember anything and often find understanding basic things really hard.
Because I can't predict when I am going to be like I can't work.
But thank you.
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Anonymous #1
#10
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As I said earlier mum and I where arguing with him.
There is an envelope with £200 in his bedroom that belongs to me.
Mum just rang me and told me to urgently remove it as soon as he gets out of the bedroom.

Dad has a gambling addiction. I know addiction isn't a choice per se, but I am not sure if she thinks that he is at risk of 'relapsing' because of stress, or if she thinks he is planing on/ he had actually threated her about doing it to get revenge for the argument.
I don't want to read the situation incorrectly and don't know how I feel about this one.
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