My relationship took a lot more from me than it should have

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from someone or something that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy"

I go by the above in almost every walk of life. So, when I realised that all I received from my relationship was pain and negativity, I walked away. Once I turn my back I will make sure that I don't go back. My relationship was long term and its been a year now that I've actually realised how much she took away from me.

Before my relationship, I was a really sociable, popular so to speak, and a "fun" young man. Now, I don't have many true friends, I don't really go out as much and I can't remember the last time I did something to really enjoy myself. During my relationship, I became a bit distant from my friends and that's really cost me. I didn't do so intentionally, and I didn't do it because I didn't need them - I did but because of the nature of my relationship with my ex, I just didn't have time to give to anyone else. The only time I had left for myself, even that was selfishly taken away from me. When we parted, I didn't go back to my friends. That would be shallow of me & even though I desperately need someone to listen to all I had to say, I couldn't just go running back to them. So I stayed alone for a few months, I kept my thoughts in me and tried to derive happiness from the tiniest of things that I came across. It was really hard but I stayed strong enough to get through it. A few months later a friend of mine approached me - because similar to me, he had broken up with his girlfriend (his relationship was completely different to mine and wasn't as long). So we got talking again and through him, I got talking to another friend of mine. Both of these friends considered me to be their best friend, and vice versa. Things were different though, and I didn't see how.

It came to my attention a few weeks ago that one of the friends that I've regarded as a "best friend" for almost 10 years of life is not really a best friend, and that my loyalty towards him was carrying our relationship more than the actual concept of friendship. I've come to realise that he only ever contacts me when he needs something, and that unless I'm any use to him I'm not really a friend. This has been evident over the past few years and even when I told him this a few years ago - nothing changed. He is now married and yet I've never met his wife. If he doesn't get what he wants/needs then its one word answers, like he's playing mind games with me. I mean, I'm we're 21! He shouldn't be playing games, it's immature. He doesn't open up to me anymore, and hides things from me. He doesn't like including me in his plans - and because I would never beg to be included I just don't ask. For example, there was a time we all went to play football, and I heard him saying to my other friend "yeaaah im definitely on it after this!". So after a while I ask him, "do you wanna do something after this? I'm on whatever.." to which he replied "umm, I don't know.. ask him..". I got the point. I stopped, and left him to it - he obviously didn't want me there. I got it. So I just let him be. The other day he called me just after I finished a really long shift at work (after a week or two of not speaking at all) and started speaking like we used to back in the school days (in a borat type accent). It made me happy. After a minute or two he goes, "oh yeah, I'm at uni and don't have my car.. could you come and pick me up please?". Instantly, without thinking.. I replied "yeah sure". Then he messaged me and says "could you come 3 hours later actually, I need to do something" - which was fine (even though I had to be revising for my UKCAT exam). Then I checked my bank account and realised I didn't have much money and that I had to have £100 or so in my account to pay bills, (I had around £110). So I messaged him and told him that I wouldn't usually ask but I don't have much money in my account so he may have to pay for petrol.. then he replied "dw then". THATS when I thought.. wdf? Its been around a week since its happened and I've heard nothing from him. This always happen, he never calls me to have a chat, or to go gym, or to do anything - only calls when he needs something. He hides things from me, he makes plans without including me, he has never introduced me to his wife.. I just get the feeling he doesn't like me anymore.

I respect him, and love him as a brother - probably always will. But I've realised that again, I'll just have to walk. I can't be around someone that doesn't want to be around me.

So that leaves me with just one other friend who I feel like I can call a friend. And he isn't much of a friend but I don't want to type his story out just yet because I don't want to bore the many few people reading this. I will do if asked to do so.

That initial relationship took so much away from me.. I even asked a friend of mine the other day if I've changed and he said yeah I have.. but I've matured. But the way he said I've matured was as though its a bad thing?

I was a really active sportsman back in the day, I excelled in football, basketball, cricket, badminton etc and I was reaaaaaaally good at them all. I can't do any now because theyre all team sports and well, I don't have much of a team to go and play with. I used to go out loads and enjoyed it but I just cant now.

There is so much more but I'm cutting it all down so that I don't bore the readers.

I just feel like that relationship took away so much from me - and I'm finding it increasingly hard to rebuild myself. I was, and still am really confident in my looks and I know how to treat a woman, how to make her happy, how to maintain a relationship etc but I don't want to get back into one. Confidence is never an issue with me, its the other stuff. To be honest, I can't put my finger on the crux of the problem here. I just feel like so much has been taken away from me.

I stupidly gave her everything, and now I'm left with nothing.

I would usually say thank you for reading and that I don't expect a reply but today I'm asking for someone to give me a reply. To actually talk to me. Please

I couldn't be bothered to read all of it, but you sound like a friend of mine who too got his heart broken because of a girl. He lost all his friends and went into a state of depression. But in all honesty, if you want to move on and live your life again then you have to grow up and stop acting like a baby! This may sound harsh but you have to stop mopping over a girl whose gone, and start to experience things again. Be an adult and stop whining...

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Stop whining? This is like the second/third time in a YEAR that I've opened up about it =\

My post isn't even about her, I am over her - I don't care about her. I just feel as though the effects of the actual relationship is being felt.

Thank you for your reply though

I couldn't be bothered to read all of it, but you sound like a friend of mine who too got his heart broken because of a girl. He lost all his friends and went into a state of depression. But in all honesty, if you want to move on and live your life again then you have to grow up and stop acting like a baby! This may sound harsh but you have to stop mopping over a girl whose gone, and start to experience things again. Be an adult and stop whining...

Posted from TSR Mobile

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from someone or something that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy"

I go by the above in almost every walk of life. So, when I realised that all I received from my relationship was pain and negativity, I walked away. Once I turn my back I will make sure that I don't go back. My relationship was long term and its been a year now that I've actually realised how much she took away from me.

Before my relationship, I was a really sociable, popular so to speak, and a "fun" young man. Now, I don't have many true friends, I don't really go out as much and I can't remember the last time I did something to really enjoy myself. During my relationship, I became a bit distant from my friends and that's really cost me. I didn't do so intentionally, and I didn't do it because I didn't need them - I did but because of the nature of my relationship with my ex, I just didn't have time to give to anyone else. The only time I had left for myself, even that was selfishly taken away from me. When we parted, I didn't go back to my friends. That would be shallow of me & even though I desperately need someone to listen to all I had to say, I couldn't just go running back to them. So I stayed alone for a few months, I kept my thoughts in me and tried to derive happiness from the tiniest of things that I came across. It was really hard but I stayed strong enough to get through it. A few months later a friend of mine approached me - because similar to me, he had broken up with his girlfriend (his relationship was completely different to mine and wasn't as long). So we got talking again and through him, I got talking to another friend of mine. Both of these friends considered me to be their best friend, and vice versa. Things were different though, and I didn't see how.

It came to my attention a few weeks ago that one of the friends that I've regarded as a "best friend" for almost 10 years of life is not really a best friend, and that my loyalty towards him was carrying our relationship more than the actual concept of friendship. I've come to realise that he only ever contacts me when he needs something, and that unless I'm any use to him I'm not really a friend. This has been evident over the past few years and even when I told him this a few years ago - nothing changed. He is now married and yet I've never met his wife. If he doesn't get what he wants/needs then its one word answers, like he's playing mind games with me. I mean, I'm we're 21! He shouldn't be playing games, it's immature. He doesn't open up to me anymore, and hides things from me. He doesn't like including me in his plans - and because I would never beg to be included I just don't ask. For example, there was a time we all went to play football, and I heard him saying to my other friend "yeaaah im definitely on it after this!". So after a while I ask him, "do you wanna do something after this? I'm on whatever.." to which he replied "umm, I don't know.. ask him..". I got the point. I stopped, and left him to it - he obviously didn't want me there. I got it. So I just let him be. The other day he called me just after I finished a really long shift at work (after a week or two of not speaking at all) and started speaking like we used to back in the school days (in a borat type accent). It made me happy. After a minute or two he goes, "oh yeah, I'm at uni and don't have my car.. could you come and pick me up please?". Instantly, without thinking.. I replied "yeah sure". Then he messaged me and says "could you come 3 hours later actually, I need to do something" - which was fine (even though I had to be revising for my UKCAT exam). Then I checked my bank account and realised I didn't have much money and that I had to have £100 or so in my account to pay bills, (I had around £110). So I messaged him and told him that I wouldn't usually ask but I don't have much money in my account so he may have to pay for petrol.. then he replied "dw then". THATS when I thought.. wdf? Its been around a week since its happened and I've heard nothing from him. This always happen, he never calls me to have a chat, or to go gym, or to do anything - only calls when he needs something. He hides things from me, he makes plans without including me, he has never introduced me to his wife.. I just get the feeling he doesn't like me anymore.

I respect him, and love him as a brother - probably always will. But I've realised that again, I'll just have to walk. I can't be around someone that doesn't want to be around me.

So that leaves me with just one other friend who I feel like I can call a friend. And he isn't much of a friend but I don't want to type his story out just yet because I don't want to bore the many few people reading this. I will do if asked to do so.

That initial relationship took so much away from me.. I even asked a friend of mine the other day if I've changed and he said yeah I have.. but I've matured. But the way he said I've matured was as though its a bad thing?

I was a really active sportsman back in the day, I excelled in football, basketball, cricket, badminton etc and I was reaaaaaaally good at them all. I can't do any now because theyre all team sports and well, I don't have much of a team to go and play with. I used to go out loads and enjoyed it but I just cant now.

There is so much more but I'm cutting it all down so that I don't bore the readers.

I just feel like that relationship took away so much from me - and I'm finding it increasingly hard to rebuild myself. I was, and still am really confident in my looks and I know how to treat a woman, how to make her happy, how to maintain a relationship etc but I don't want to get back into one. Confidence is never an issue with me, its the other stuff. To be honest, I can't put my finger on the crux of the problem here. I just feel like so much has been taken away from me.

I stupidly gave her everything, and now I'm left with nothing.

I would usually say thank you for reading and that I don't expect a reply but today I'm asking for someone to give me a reply. To actually talk to me. Please

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from someone or something that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy"

I go by the above in almost every walk of life. So, when I realised that all I received from my relationship was pain and negativity, I walked away. Once I turn my back I will make sure that I don't go back. My relationship was long term and its been a year now that I've actually realised how much she took away from me.

You realised you were giving too much (and not getting enough back I assume) and you left it, great for you. Good move, now stop thinking about that and blaming that bad part of your life as the reason for the failure of the rest of your relationships. Blaming doesn't fix things.

Before my relationship, I was a really sociable, popular so to speak, and a "fun" young man. Now, I don't have many true friends, I don't really go out as much and I can't remember the last time I did something to really enjoy myself. During my relationship, I became a bit distant from my friends and that's really cost me. I didn't do so intentionally, and I didn't do it because I didn't need them - I did but because of the nature of my relationship with my ex, I just didn't have time to give to anyone else. The only time I had left for myself, even that was selfishly taken away from me. When we parted, I didn't go back to my friends. That would be shallow of me & even though I desperately need someone to listen to all I had to say, I couldn't just go running back to them. So I stayed alone for a few months, I kept my thoughts in me and tried to derive happiness from the tiniest of things that I came across. It was really hard but I stayed strong enough to get through it. A few months later a friend of mine approached me - because similar to me, he had broken up with his girlfriend (his relationship was completely different to mine and wasn't as long). So we got talking again and through him, I got talking to another friend of mine. Both of these friends considered me to be their best friend, and vice versa. Things were different though, and I didn't see how.

If you don't have any 'true' friends now then they weren't 'true' friends to begin with.

It came to my attention a few weeks ago that one of the friends that I've regarded as a "best friend" for almost 10 years of life is not really a best friend, and that my loyalty towards him was carrying our relationship more than the actual concept of friendship. I've come to realise that he only ever contacts me when he needs something, and that unless I'm any use to him I'm not really a friend. This has been evident over the past few years and even when I told him this a few years ago - nothing changed. He is now married and yet I've never met his wife. If he doesn't get what he wants/needs then its one word answers, like he's playing mind games with me. I mean, I'm we're 21! He shouldn't be playing games, it's immature. He doesn't open up to me anymore, and hides things from me. He doesn't like including me in his plans - and because I would never beg to be included I just don't ask. For example, there was a time we all went to play football, and I heard him saying to my other friend "yeaaah im definitely on it after this!". So after a while I ask him, "do you wanna do something after this? I'm on whatever.." to which he replied "umm, I don't know.. ask him..". I got the point. I stopped, and left him to it - he obviously didn't want me there. I got it. So I just let him be. The other day he called me just after I finished a really long shift at work (after a week or two of not speaking at all) and started speaking like we used to back in the school days (in a borat type accent). It made me happy. After a minute or two he goes, "oh yeah, I'm at uni and don't have my car.. could you come and pick me up please?". Instantly, without thinking.. I replied "yeah sure". Then he messaged me and says "could you come 3 hours later actually, I need to do something" - which was fine (even though I had to be revising for my UKCAT exam). Then I checked my bank account and realised I didn't have much money and that I had to have £100 or so in my account to pay bills, (I had around £110). So I messaged him and told him that I wouldn't usually ask but I don't have much money in my account so he may have to pay for petrol.. then he replied "dw then". THATS when I thought.. wdf? Its been around a week since its happened and I've heard nothing from him. This always happen, he never calls me to have a chat, or to go gym, or to do anything - only calls when he needs something. He hides things from me, he makes plans without including me, he has never introduced me to his wife.. I just get the feeling he doesn't like me anymore.

The guy is married, he WILL keep things from you. Why do you need to be introduced to his wife? Especially considering you've already established that he doesn't seem as close to you as he used to be anymore, he probably doesn't see the point or the need for you to meet his wife, she probably doesn't have any interest in meeting her husband's friends. This guy is baggage, he is using you by the looks of it, let him go.

I respect him, and love him as a brother - probably always will. But I've realised that again, I'll just have to walk. I can't be around someone that doesn't want to be around me.
Exactly, so that entire paragraph was pointless because you know the friendship is a flop.

So that leaves me with just one other friend who I feel like I can call a friend. And he isn't much of a friend but I don't want to type his story out just yet because I don't want to bore the many few people reading this. I will do if asked to do so.

There's that saying about it being better to have less friends as long as they are good friends.


That initial relationship took so much away from me.. I even asked a friend of mine the other day if I've changed and he said yeah I have.. but I've matured. But the way he said I've matured was as though its a bad thing?

So the hell what? Why does it matter if you've matured and whether someone else considers it a good thing or a bad thing? Your own opinion of yourself is way more important. If you're not happy with yourself then go ahead and fix up, change what you think needs to be changed but if you're cool with how you are then disregard the BS anyone else says to you.

I was a really active sportsman back in the day, I excelled in football, basketball, cricket, badminton etc and I was reaaaaaaally good at them all. I can't do any now because theyre all team sports and well, I don't have much of a team to go and play with. I used to go out loads and enjoyed it but I just cant now.

Find a new team! Sports is sports! Find people who enjoy it and join in. Your initial team started off somewhere, you had to work to form friendships, get to know people etc so do it again.

There is so much more but I'm cutting it all down so that I don't bore the readers.

I just feel like that relationship took away so much from me - and I'm finding it increasingly hard to rebuild myself. I was, and still am really confident in my looks and I know how to treat a woman, how to make her happy, how to maintain a relationship etc but I don't want to get back into one. Confidence is never an issue with me, its the other stuff. To be honest, I can't put my finger on the crux of the problem here. I just feel like so much has been taken away from me.

I stupidly gave her everything, and now I'm left with nothing.

I would usually say thank you for reading and that I don't expect a reply but today I'm asking for someone to give me a reply. To actually talk to me. Please

Sometimes, the 'tough love' approach works. Sometimes it does not. What the OP was simply after was for somebody to talk to him, and to maybe give him some pointers in how to move on with his life. It's no good simply saying 'you have to grow up and stop acting like a baby', because to talk about something which has hurt you like this is not babyish. It's this sort of attitude that means that people (generally men) do not open up about something, when it might be beneficial for them to.






OP, I can't say that I've been in a similar position to yours, so I can't speak out of experience, but what I will offer now is just some advice as to what I would do in your situation.

For the first 'friend' that you mention - he is no friend of yours. He is a user. You identified it yourself when you said that he only contacted you when he needs something. This is not something you need in your life right now (or indeed ever). If I were you I would cut him out of your life. It sounds brutal, but it is doing you more harm than good.

As for the friend, I can't say because you haven't mentioned a backstory. If you tell me, I could give you some advice. But the way you have described it, you definitely have reservations. Its up to you.

From my experience of gaining and losing friends, I can say that its never the case that you have no friends. I would consider trying to make up with some of your other friends. I know if it were me, and I had a previous friend come back after experiencing what you experienced, I would not consider it shallow, as you suggested.