I am becoming the flatmate I hated last year

I have a problem. I am trying to avoid becoming the flatmate I myself hated last year, but my flatmates are not making it particularly easy.

I like to think of myself as a pretty chill flatmate. Sometimes even too chill maybe. The problem started when I moved in with flatmates that are even more chill than me.

I love my flatmates to bits, but I really do not know how to deal when they leave dishes in their room for weeks. Especially when they go away for more than one night, like when going home for the holidays etc.

I do not have any issues with leaving dishes for a day or two, maybe even longer during busy times like exams or those two/three weeks when all university assignments are due and we're all running around stressing. I have also been turning the other cheek when my flatmates use my toothpaste or body wash or even borrow my hair brush, simply because one of my flatmates last year would complain about every single thing that was done in our flat last year. And most of us found it terribly exhausting and annoying most of all.

But I am now finding myself in the situation where I am very tempted to voice my concerns about my new flatmates' habits and I know if I was the recipient of my concerns I would be annoyed that someone pointed it out.

Even though I can agree that I myself am a slob sometimes, there are certain things I could never justify doing. Like leaving dishes in my room if I go away for more than one night. For one I don't particularly see why anyone would like to leave dishes in their room for starters. I would rather leave mine in the kitchen so I wouldn't live in the smell of food, and naturally I would rather they left them in the kitchen as well so I at least could justify doing them as I love doing dishes.

Because we have had some issues with mice and I don't like knowing there's dirty dishes around, I am now tempted to do their dirty dishes even though I know it would be some kind of invasion of privacy going into their room to get them.

I guess the question is:

How can I resolve this recurring issue without turning into that annoying flatmate I hated last year or will I just have to continue turning the other cheek?

Reply 1

ultimateradman

17

bump so someone else sees this, I agree with you but i don't have any experience in this matter.

Reply 2

username1546701

4

You have every right to voice your concerns and if its the first time your voicing them considering its coming to the end of the year I don't think they should be annoyed.

At the same time, its there dishes and i think that its up to them what they do with them, where they place them and when the wash them. Maybe they left them in the room out of consideration so people don't have a crowded sink of dishes sitting for days. I don't think you should tell them what they can do with their dishes inside their rooms. Mind your business, lol :tongue:

If mice is a huge risk then inform them on a casual basis like "hey i left dishes before and got mice etc just be aware"

You are living in a shared space so you have every right to voice your concerns but dont do it in a confrontational way of your right im wrong. Your friends, speak to them lightheartedly.

Reply 3

seaholme

19

When I found people using my stuff and didn't want to start a confrontation I just removed my things from public spaces. Keep your bodywash and your hair brush in your room and take them to the bathroom to use them when you need them in a bag or something.

As for the dishes I think it's hard to control what other people do in their rooms and you definitely shouldn't go in to other people's rooms to pick them up. If you have a genuine problem with mice or run short of dishes if people hoard them, that's different because you can make the public good argument that you all need to have access to enough plates/don't want to encourage the mice. If you've seen like one mouse months ago or something minimal you probably should just leave it. If people want to live in filth in their specific room that's their problem, shut your door and keep your own space clean.

Reply 4

meowbeat

OP

1

Thanks for replies guys. I am getting the general consensus that I should just leave the dishes. It is just very annoying when we have 8 dinner plates between the 3 of us, half of which I brought with me from my old flat when we moved in, and 5 of them are being held up dirty in someone's room while they're away on holiday.

It's not just a problem when they are on holiday, also when they are in the flat and when someone points out the lacking number of plates in the kitchen and they'll deny having any in their rooms/saying they don't know where they are. Cutlery has also been a problem, especially forks.

As for bathroom stuff I would feel petty removing my stuff from the bathroom unless I was going away, when we all keep our stuff there. I did however once bring my toothpaste into my room cause I was running low myself, as an experiment to see how long it would take them to buy their own. I guess what annoyed me about it was that they wouldn't even try to hide the fact that they had used it, as they would leave the cap open etc and I never do that.

I have also stopped buying 4packs of apple/orange juice from ASDA because someone else always opens them and drinks them. How do I deal with stuff like that?

Reply 5

seaholme

19

Original post by meowbeat

As for bathroom stuff I would feel petty removing my stuff from the bathroom unless I was going away, when we all keep our stuff there. I did however once bring my toothpaste into my room cause I was running low myself, as an experiment to see how long it would take them to buy their own. I guess what annoyed me about it was that they wouldn't even try to hide the fact that they had used it, as they would leave the cap open etc and I never do that.

I have also stopped buying 4packs of apple/orange juice from ASDA because someone else always opens them and drinks them. How do I deal with stuff like that?

I understand what you say about being petty. Basically the way I justified it to myself was this - I would rather be petty about things in order to stay calm than continue to let things of mine be taken/used and consequentially bottle up inner rage and anger until we had a massive disagreement and rather than being subtley petty, my inner nature came out with a vengeance for all to see. Sometimes you won't be more 'relaxed' about this stuff than your flatmates and if you don't find a way to manage it that limits the damage, you risk blowing up later about it. It's either that or you sit down and have a flat meeting and lay out your ground rules about respecting your stuff/each other's. In a way this can make things worse because if they continue to do this stuff after you've made your case (fairly likely if they're all so chill about doing it before), the fact you've highlighted it already means either a) you'll be seen as EXTRA petty when you take your stuff out the bathroom or alternatively b) you'll find you were much more patient back when it seemed like a careless thing than an intentional thing, and it'll make you absolutely fuming. Cue arguments.

Just from personal experience. Obviously you're not me, but I've made the above mistake and subsequently lived with other people and took care of my own 'problem' (problem being the fact I want people to respect my stuff and vice versa) in my own way without bothering others. It seemed to work better for me and for them. Better somebody notices (although I find the people who do this are uniquely unobservant as indeed your flatmates sound, not even replacing things where they found them and putting toothpaste caps back on, so a lot won't even blink an eyelid) and thinks you're a bit possessive of your own stuff than you poison the relationship with them by letting it escalate to the point things become intolerable and you become an angry grinch like patroller of dishes. IMO.

Reply 6

username1546701

4

Original post by meowbeat

Thanks for replies guys. I am getting the general consensus that I should just leave the dishes. It is just very annoying when we have 8 dinner plates between the 3 of us, half of which I brought with me from my old flat when we moved in, and 5 of them are being held up dirty in someone's room while they're away on holiday.

It's not just a problem when they are on holiday, also when they are in the flat and when someone points out the lacking number of plates in the kitchen and they'll deny having any in their rooms/saying they don't know where they are. Cutlery has also been a problem, especially forks.

As for bathroom stuff I would feel petty removing my stuff from the bathroom unless I was going away, when we all keep our stuff there. I did however once bring my toothpaste into my room cause I was running low myself, as an experiment to see how long it would take them to buy their own. I guess what annoyed me about it was that they wouldn't even try to hide the fact that they had used it, as they would leave the cap open etc and I never do that.

I have also stopped buying 4packs of apple/orange juice from ASDA because someone else always opens them and drinks them. How do I deal with stuff like that?

Oh I didn't know that you shared dishes, Could you not keep your portion of what you bought in your room or buy some more so at least you have your share of things always there in case you need them? Like at least one plate and a set of like knife a fork and a spoon.

Maybe the deny it because they literally forget they have the forks in the room if they're a messy person.

In terms of buying packs of orange juice do you not have a fridge in your room if so could you not put them in the fridge their or put 1 carton in the fridge and the rest in your room until youve finished that carton and then if they drink it just confront them that youd like to be made aware of they want some and maybe you can come to an agreement of them paying you a bit to get them some juice or whatever. I suggest keeping multipacks in your room and taking as and when is needed.

I am becoming the flatmate I hated last year

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