My best friend just told me he’d pick his boss over me
I don’t know what to do about this, I’m so hurt right now. If I’m being too emotional do let me know.
His boss has given him many opportunities and a very promising future in his company. I know he really looks up to him, and that’s fine.
So it started when we spoke about something that’s happening in the world right now, a very touchy topic. I was texting him about it and he told me his boss told him something else that was on some internet articles that were later proven false, but I already knew it was false just from the way it sounded at the time. I did somewhat disrespect his boss because I didn’t appreciate the misinformation and those claims could be seen as offensive for my group of people. I expect grown adults to know better.
So from then on, he had been talking to his boss about it and what I would tell him about that topic (he didn’t tell him what I said about his boss, just my views on the situation). I had no idea he was telling his boss about my views. I know it’s because he wanted to learn more about what’s happening so he was sharing information, it was innocent and that’s fine. Two days ago he kind of blew up and told me that me and his boss are having it out for each other and he doesn’t want to be in the middle. He told me he doesn’t want to see two people he cares about being in conflict and it’s clear we don’t like each other. He told me his boss thinks I’m bigoted and has accused me of being against certain groups. I’m literally not, and I asked my best friend why his boss said that and he said he doesn’t know why and doesn’t understand it himself. That he told him I'm not etc. I’m ngl I'm really offended that someone who doesn’t know me and just heard my stance on something has accused that of me, I did get emotional and accuse his boss of being against my group of people for even making that claim against me for no good reason. My best friend told me he doesn’t want to talk about his boss with me anymore.
So today, I spoke about that same topic again, and my best friend told me he rather not talk about it anymore, I asked him if he was still talking about it with his boss and he is. That’s when my best friend told me to stop mentioning him and told me “If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”.
I never asked him to choose between us. I never would, why would I want to mess with his career? In my eyes he’s just said that out of the blue. Can someone that’s unbiased in this situation just tell me who’s at fault and if I should move past what he said to me? I’m so hurt right now and I don’t even know what to think after he’s clearly told me he’d pick him over me if it came down to it. Later on he said “It's not about you as a person. I like my job and I'm not going to listen to you talk **** about my boss. It’s about shutting up.” I responded with “he called me a bigot” and he said “Yes you both have said things I don’t agree with. There’s been slander on both sides. I said if I had to. I don't know any real world situation off the top of my head where I would have to cut one of you off”
His boss has given him many opportunities and a very promising future in his company. I know he really looks up to him, and that’s fine.
So it started when we spoke about something that’s happening in the world right now, a very touchy topic. I was texting him about it and he told me his boss told him something else that was on some internet articles that were later proven false, but I already knew it was false just from the way it sounded at the time. I did somewhat disrespect his boss because I didn’t appreciate the misinformation and those claims could be seen as offensive for my group of people. I expect grown adults to know better.
So from then on, he had been talking to his boss about it and what I would tell him about that topic (he didn’t tell him what I said about his boss, just my views on the situation). I had no idea he was telling his boss about my views. I know it’s because he wanted to learn more about what’s happening so he was sharing information, it was innocent and that’s fine. Two days ago he kind of blew up and told me that me and his boss are having it out for each other and he doesn’t want to be in the middle. He told me he doesn’t want to see two people he cares about being in conflict and it’s clear we don’t like each other. He told me his boss thinks I’m bigoted and has accused me of being against certain groups. I’m literally not, and I asked my best friend why his boss said that and he said he doesn’t know why and doesn’t understand it himself. That he told him I'm not etc. I’m ngl I'm really offended that someone who doesn’t know me and just heard my stance on something has accused that of me, I did get emotional and accuse his boss of being against my group of people for even making that claim against me for no good reason. My best friend told me he doesn’t want to talk about his boss with me anymore.
So today, I spoke about that same topic again, and my best friend told me he rather not talk about it anymore, I asked him if he was still talking about it with his boss and he is. That’s when my best friend told me to stop mentioning him and told me “If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”.
I never asked him to choose between us. I never would, why would I want to mess with his career? In my eyes he’s just said that out of the blue. Can someone that’s unbiased in this situation just tell me who’s at fault and if I should move past what he said to me? I’m so hurt right now and I don’t even know what to think after he’s clearly told me he’d pick him over me if it came down to it. Later on he said “It's not about you as a person. I like my job and I'm not going to listen to you talk **** about my boss. It’s about shutting up.” I responded with “he called me a bigot” and he said “Yes you both have said things I don’t agree with. There’s been slander on both sides. I said if I had to. I don't know any real world situation off the top of my head where I would have to cut one of you off”
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Stop trying to fight with your friends boss through them? Seems obvious you could make a choice at any time to stop this.
Your friend has a weird attachment to their boss but I agree, just stay out of it as best you can. Disagree with any nonsense but don't labour the point.
Original post by Admit-One
Your friend has a weird attachment to their boss but I agree, just stay out of it as best you can. Disagree with any nonsense but don't labour the point.
Do you think I should carry on speaking to my friend after his comment about picking him over me or shall I let it go?
Original post by StriderHort
Stop trying to fight with your friends boss through them? Seems obvious you could make a choice at any time to stop this.
To be fair, I didn’t really know what was going on until 2 days ago. He didn’t tell me until then, so he was getting wound up without me realising it or having any idea why. I only spoke about his boss in the beginning when it started and then another time I showed him a video and he said “I’m going to show my boss” and I asked him what his boss said a few days after because he never got back to me, but he kept saying he’s tired and busy to dodge the topic. I didn’t know there would actually be an issue with his boss doing the same to me at this time. Obviously when I found out what he said about me I was going to be offended, but yeah there were better ways I could have handled it
Original post by StriderHort
Stop trying to fight with your friends boss through them? Seems obvious you could make a choice at any time to stop this.
I can’t edit my last response so will just have to respond a second time, I also didn’t know he was talking to his boss about what I was telling him based on our conversations until 2 days ago. So I wasn’t fighting his boss through him consciously, I didn’t know he was talking about me with his boss at all until he blew up and told me and he acknowledged it was partly his fault at the time
Original post by Admit-One
Your friend has a weird attachment to their boss but I agree, just stay out of it as best you can. Disagree with any nonsense but don't labour the point.
His boss used to be a colleague of his in another company that they both left this year, he asked him if he wants to join his business and he agreed. He has practically changed his life in terms of salary and he really enjoys his job so I get it. He didn’t need to ask him, I don’t believe there were any interviews involved either, so yeah I do get why he looks up to him.
Original post by Anonymous
I can’t edit my last response so will just have to respond a second time, I also didn’t know he was talking to his boss about what I was telling him based on our conversations until 2 days ago. So I wasn’t fighting his boss through him consciously, I didn’t know he was talking about me with his boss at all until he blew up and told me and he acknowledged it was partly his fault at the time
Spitting hairs, the whole thing is still pointless. The boss doesn't care what you think, you don't care what they think, all this is doing is leaving your friend in the middle and you can't be too surprised they are expressing frustration. You can't control either of them but you can make a choice yourself to stop carrying on like this.
Another way to put it is 'Do you see any way to 'win' this? If not, stop pushing it.
Original post by StriderHort
Spitting hairs, the whole thing is still pointless. The boss doesn't care what you think, you don't care what they think, all this is doing is leaving your friend in the middle and you can't be too surprised they are expressing frustration. You can't control either of them but you can make a choice yourself to stop carrying on like this.
Another way to put it is 'Do you see any way to 'win' this? If not, stop pushing it.
Another way to put it is 'Do you see any way to 'win' this? If not, stop pushing it.
Ok fine.
Should I move past what he said about picking his boss over me if it comes down to it or is it worthy of ending the friendship? I mean I knew he would if he really had to because it’s common sense in a way, he has a very good job and he obviously isn’t going to choose me over his career. I never asked him to though, and the fact that he had to say it to my face to hurt my feelings bothers me.
Original post by Anonymous
Ok fine.
Should I move past what he said about picking his boss over me if it comes down to it or is it worthy of ending the friendship?
Should I move past what he said about picking his boss over me if it comes down to it or is it worthy of ending the friendship?
Should be able to move past a single angry comment for a best friends sake I'd think, or at least be direct about it.
“If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”
It does sound obv he felt a bit stuck and attacked in the whole matter, you could certainly argue he's played a part in the back and forth starting but v much doubt he saw it going like this. If he told you what his boss was saying, you should have expected he was also telling them what you said unless it was specifically private. He asked you to stop talking about his boss, then you wanted to talk about their boss again so they've made it more direct that they want this dropped.
As I asked before, how do you see a win here? It's caused a lot of tension for a 2nd hand conversation, you've been asked to drop it and you've brought it back up again, why? what is your goal here?
Original post by StriderHort
Should be able to move past a single angry comment for a best friends sake I'd think, or at least be direct about it.
“If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”
It does sound obv he felt a bit stuck and attacked in the whole matter, you could certainly argue he's played a part in the back and forth starting but v much doubt he saw it going like this. If he told you what his boss was saying, you should have expected he was also telling them what you said unless it was specifically private. He asked you to stop talking about his boss, then you wanted to talk about their boss again so they've made it more direct that they want this dropped.
As I asked before, how do you see a win here? It's caused a lot of tension for a 2nd hand conversation, you've been asked to drop it and you've brought it back up again, why? what is your goal here?
“If I have to pick someone it's the guy that pays my bills. So tough luck” I just responded with “what” and he said “I'm saying if you want to cause a divide, it's a losing battle for you” me: “Wow, so you’ve made this about me as a person vs him”
Him: “No you did. You both did”
It does sound obv he felt a bit stuck and attacked in the whole matter, you could certainly argue he's played a part in the back and forth starting but v much doubt he saw it going like this. If he told you what his boss was saying, you should have expected he was also telling them what you said unless it was specifically private. He asked you to stop talking about his boss, then you wanted to talk about their boss again so they've made it more direct that they want this dropped.
As I asked before, how do you see a win here? It's caused a lot of tension for a 2nd hand conversation, you've been asked to drop it and you've brought it back up again, why? what is your goal here?
I can consider that now, and tbh I didn’t think about how it might make him feel. I knew he didn’t mean it to get here and that’s it obviously uncomfortable but I didn’t think about it the way you said it.
No, I’m not going to think he’s also telling my opinion to his boss if he’s telling me about his, we are best friends. He tells me everything, with everyone. We talk most days, I’m not going to assume he’s talking about me to others because it’s not typical. I know his boss knew about my existence beforehand but I had no reason to believe he’s telling him about what I think regarding what’s happening in the world right now. My best friend even took these exotic crisps I bought him to his work for his boss to try and would tell me his boss enjoyed them and thanked me in the past.
I can’t help but also feel his boss is being somewhat inappropriate since there’s clearly a power imbalance, since that’s his boss. I feel like he shouldn’t be openly discussing other people in my best friends life like that, even if my best friend was the one to bring it up. To say someone is a bigot and holds views against a certain group of people when it’s your employees personal life is crossing a line to me.
The only thing I wanted to do with all this was make sure his boss wasn’t giving him misinformation because he did in the past, when this whole thing started. I didn’t trust where he was getting his information from and didn’t appreciate him spreading false information. I always made sure to give sources if my best friend asked for it, his boss didn’t and it wasn’t all true. I just felt like his boss was immature to be bringing these things up just because he “heard” it on the internet.
Original post by Anonymous
I can consider that now, and tbh I didn’t think about how it might make him feel. I knew he didn’t mean it to get here and that’s it obviously uncomfortable but I didn’t think about it the way you said it.
No, I’m not going to think he’s also telling my opinion to his boss if he’s telling me about his, we are best friends. He tells me everything, with everyone. We talk most days, I’m not going to assume he’s talking about me to others because it’s not typical. I know his boss knew about my existence beforehand but I had no reason to believe he’s telling him about what I think regarding what’s happening in the world right now. My best friend even took these exotic crisps I bought him to his work for his boss to try and would tell me his boss enjoyed them and thanked me in the past.
I can’t help but also feel his boss is being somewhat inappropriate since there’s clearly a power imbalance, since that’s his boss. I feel like he shouldn’t be openly discussing other people in my best friends life like that, even if my best friend was the one to bring it up. To say someone is a bigot and holds views against a certain group of people when it’s your employees personal life is crossing a line to me.
The only thing I wanted to do with all this was make sure his boss wasn’t giving him misinformation because he did in the past, when this whole thing started. I didn’t trust where he was getting his information from and didn’t appreciate him spreading false information. I always made sure to give sources if my best friend asked for it, his boss didn’t and it wasn’t all true. I just felt like his boss was immature to be bringing these things up just because he “heard” it on the internet.
No, I’m not going to think he’s also telling my opinion to his boss if he’s telling me about his, we are best friends. He tells me everything, with everyone. We talk most days, I’m not going to assume he’s talking about me to others because it’s not typical. I know his boss knew about my existence beforehand but I had no reason to believe he’s telling him about what I think regarding what’s happening in the world right now. My best friend even took these exotic crisps I bought him to his work for his boss to try and would tell me his boss enjoyed them and thanked me in the past.
I can’t help but also feel his boss is being somewhat inappropriate since there’s clearly a power imbalance, since that’s his boss. I feel like he shouldn’t be openly discussing other people in my best friends life like that, even if my best friend was the one to bring it up. To say someone is a bigot and holds views against a certain group of people when it’s your employees personal life is crossing a line to me.
The only thing I wanted to do with all this was make sure his boss wasn’t giving him misinformation because he did in the past, when this whole thing started. I didn’t trust where he was getting his information from and didn’t appreciate him spreading false information. I always made sure to give sources if my best friend asked for it, his boss didn’t and it wasn’t all true. I just felt like his boss was immature to be bringing these things up just because he “heard” it on the internet.
He spends time with his boss most days too and it's evidently a potentially polarising issue, honestly I think you were taking it for granted that the flow of opinions was 1 way only.
The sad fact is the boss can prob talk crap if he wants and should be dismissed as such, it's hardly a new issue with the internet and some amount of people used to believe any old crap they saw in whatever paper, but it was generally something to be mocked. Making it about misinformation, power imbalances and the like might be seen as just taking it too far and formal. You did say you kinda disrespected him first, so you can't complain too much about him responding in kind. Likewise I still feel the only mature action here is to drop it like you were asked - expecting to be able to stop your boss talking to or 'misinforming' your friend is unrealistic, all you can do is try and keep them right.
I can sympathise a bit with your friend as my old boss was frankly a bigot, he was also old and set in his ways to the point of it being futile to pull him up over every little offensive thing. If I were to start explicitly relaying opinions from my old boss to my younger more progressive friends it would just end up a pointless horror show, I'd also be unemployed.
Original post by Anonymous
I can consider that now, and tbh I didn’t think about how it might make him feel. I knew he didn’t mean it to get here and that’s it obviously uncomfortable but I didn’t think about it the way you said it.
No, I’m not going to think he’s also telling my opinion to his boss if he’s telling me about his, we are best friends. He tells me everything, with everyone. We talk most days, I’m not going to assume he’s talking about me to others because it’s not typical. I know his boss knew about my existence beforehand but I had no reason to believe he’s telling him about what I think regarding what’s happening in the world right now. My best friend even took these exotic crisps I bought him to his work for his boss to try and would tell me his boss enjoyed them and thanked me in the past.
I can’t help but also feel his boss is being somewhat inappropriate since there’s clearly a power imbalance, since that’s his boss. I feel like he shouldn’t be openly discussing other people in my best friends life like that, even if my best friend was the one to bring it up. To say someone is a bigot and holds views against a certain group of people when it’s your employees personal life is crossing a line to me.
The only thing I wanted to do with all this was make sure his boss wasn’t giving him misinformation because he did in the past, when this whole thing started. I didn’t trust where he was getting his information from and didn’t appreciate him spreading false information. I always made sure to give sources if my best friend asked for it, his boss didn’t and it wasn’t all true. I just felt like his boss was immature to be bringing these things up just because he “heard” it on the internet.
No, I’m not going to think he’s also telling my opinion to his boss if he’s telling me about his, we are best friends. He tells me everything, with everyone. We talk most days, I’m not going to assume he’s talking about me to others because it’s not typical. I know his boss knew about my existence beforehand but I had no reason to believe he’s telling him about what I think regarding what’s happening in the world right now. My best friend even took these exotic crisps I bought him to his work for his boss to try and would tell me his boss enjoyed them and thanked me in the past.
I can’t help but also feel his boss is being somewhat inappropriate since there’s clearly a power imbalance, since that’s his boss. I feel like he shouldn’t be openly discussing other people in my best friends life like that, even if my best friend was the one to bring it up. To say someone is a bigot and holds views against a certain group of people when it’s your employees personal life is crossing a line to me.
The only thing I wanted to do with all this was make sure his boss wasn’t giving him misinformation because he did in the past, when this whole thing started. I didn’t trust where he was getting his information from and didn’t appreciate him spreading false information. I always made sure to give sources if my best friend asked for it, his boss didn’t and it wasn’t all true. I just felt like his boss was immature to be bringing these things up just because he “heard” it on the internet.
You seem to be making a major drama out of not very much. You have one view, his boss has another. So what? It sounds as if your friend doesn't have fixed views and you are concerned that he might end up with opinions that don't agree with yours
Just drop it!! What did you actually hope to gain in using your friend to play the intermediary in an argument that isn’t his? Completely stupid, immature thing to do.
Original post by StriderHort
He spends time with his boss most days too and it's evidently a potentially polarising issue, honestly I think you were taking it for granted that the flow of opinions was 1 way only.
The sad fact is the boss can prob talk crap if he wants and should be dismissed as such, it's hardly a new issue with the internet and some amount of people used to believe any old crap they saw in whatever paper, but it was generally something to be mocked. Making it about misinformation, power imbalances and the like might be seen as just taking it too far and formal. You did say you kinda disrespected him first, so you can't complain too much about him responding in kind. Likewise I still feel the only mature action here is to drop it like you were asked - expecting to be able to stop your boss talking to or 'misinforming' your friend is unrealistic, all you can do is try and keep them right.
I can sympathise a bit with your friend as my old boss was frankly a bigot, he was also old and set in his ways to the point of it being futile to pull him up over every little offensive thing. If I were to start explicitly relaying opinions from my old boss to my younger more progressive friends it would just end up a pointless horror show, I'd also be unemployed.
The sad fact is the boss can prob talk crap if he wants and should be dismissed as such, it's hardly a new issue with the internet and some amount of people used to believe any old crap they saw in whatever paper, but it was generally something to be mocked. Making it about misinformation, power imbalances and the like might be seen as just taking it too far and formal. You did say you kinda disrespected him first, so you can't complain too much about him responding in kind. Likewise I still feel the only mature action here is to drop it like you were asked - expecting to be able to stop your boss talking to or 'misinforming' your friend is unrealistic, all you can do is try and keep them right.
I can sympathise a bit with your friend as my old boss was frankly a bigot, he was also old and set in his ways to the point of it being futile to pull him up over every little offensive thing. If I were to start explicitly relaying opinions from my old boss to my younger more progressive friends it would just end up a pointless horror show, I'd also be unemployed.
His boss didn’t know I disrespected him though, it was between me and my best friend. I just told him that his boss “can stop trying to enlighten others when he doesn’t really understand it himself” and “Well if there’s no merit to it your boss can stop exaggerating like he’s some 10 year old telling a story”. Like yeah it’s not nice but I could have been more mean than that if I wanted to disrespect someone. I was more mean when I found out what his boss had said about me.
I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling his boss is in his 30s so not that much older than us. I don’t get the vibe that he’s an old man, it was a new business he started this year and asked my best friend to work with him as they were both leaving old job as colleagues at the time. Their dynamic seems to be more as two people with a smaller age gap than a large one.
Thanks for all your responses. I didn’t know if you’d even read the last one since it was a whole essay.
I think my main concern is that he pretty much told me I’m the least important person in this situation so if it comes down to it he would drop me. Like I said, I get how he feels in all this now but I never asked him to pick. I don’t know how I feel wanting to carry on being friends knowing he said confirmed that to me and we are all supposed to move on like it’s nothing. It’s more about the pain it caused me to have him say that to me. I’ll have to take a few days at least to get over it and sit with my feelings
Original post by Anonymous
Just drop it!! What did you actually hope to gain in using your friend to play the intermediary in an argument that isn’t his? Completely stupid, immature thing to do.
Imagine going on Anon to respond to a post because you’re too chicken to show your identity. Yeah listen, I asked for advice but I don’t take it from weirdos. Peace ✌🏼
Original post by marple
You seem to be making a major drama out of not very much. You have one view, his boss has another. So what? It sounds as if your friend doesn't have fixed views and you are concerned that he might end up with opinions that don't agree with yours
The issue for me is; his boss said something quite rude about my character that was untrue. It was more than the “bigot” word but I’m paraphrasing. And he told me I’m the least important person in this situation pretty much. I never asked him to choose between us but he told me that anyway. Like obviously I know he would probably pick his boss because it’s his livelihood, it’s the fact that he said it to my face in an argument … and we are just supposed to move on now when he told me I don’t matter as much as others, for free.
Yeah, that’s what it is. I know a lot more about this situation because it’s very close to my heart and something I was brought up knowing about, I didn’t just find it out now when it’s being talked about. I don’t want my friend to be on the wrong path, and I don’t usually feel like this towards other peoples opinions and views. I’m pretty open minded and my friend is very different to me in every way, this is just something I can’t have him be misinformed about because it’s not a normal situation where you can just be on the wrong side of things. It is what it is. We actually talked about this in our last conversation and I expressed this to him, we are done talking about it.
Original post by Anonymous
Imagine going on Anon to respond to a post because you’re too chicken to show your identity. Yeah listen, I asked for advice but I don’t take it from weirdos. Peace ✌🏼
Says the anonymous OP!! Pot calling the kettle black!!
In fact it’s just being sensible. We all know what issue you are talking about and don’t want to start a major idealistic argument on TSR.
Original post by Anonymous
Says the anonymous OP!! Pot calling the kettle black!!
In fact it’s just being sensible. We all know what issue you are talking about and don’t want to start a major idealistic argument on TSR.
In fact it’s just being sensible. We all know what issue you are talking about and don’t want to start a major idealistic argument on TSR.
Very predictable response. I think you need to think about context and the fact that I’m sharing things about my life on here vs you. Someone who didn’t want their own response attached to their identity. Very different things
Well done Sherlock, and well done for knowing the reason why, so smart. This isn’t about the topic we spoke about, it’s about my friend, his boss and me and our situation. So, I don’t know why you’re acting like it’s a bad to not want to distract others from the main point of my post. It isn’t. Go touch some grass
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